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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did I ruin her day?

13 replies

Doglover321 · 19/04/2024 17:19

Hi ladies, I’m 26, almost 27 and my mum decided a few weeks back that she was going to book for us to go to the spa today. It was just going to be swimming and afternoon tea (no treatments).

Unfortunately, my period started quite unexpectedly yesterday morning and is today quite heavy. I told her as soon as it started yesterday that I might not be able to swim today because I don’t wear and have never worn tampons, only pads (I started when I was 10 and have just never got round to it!). She was livid, kept accusing me of lying and said I was just trying to sabotage her trip. I showed her evidence (sorry, bit grim) which still didn’t change her mind and she was still so adamant that I could still use the pool and likely drip everywhere. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with this. It wouldn’t have been fair on fellow users of the pool and I would have been embarrassed if people saw me dripping everywhere!

I still really, really wanted to go and suggested I just sit on the poolside and watch her swim and be there for company until she’s finished and then we both go off and have the afternoon tea, or I go for a walk for the three hours she’s in the pool and then meet her back at the hotel. I also suggested I refund the trip to apologise for the inconvenience of me not being able to swim.

Her response was that I either come with her to the spa and swim OR leave her house immediately. I told her I’d have to leave the house if she’s not willing to compromise on this, but can I quickly use the loo and find some socks. She wouldn’t let me use the loo or find socks and I ended up leaving the house bursting and with chilly feet. I also offered to walk the dog to which she wouldn’t let me despite him being legally mine.

After about 10 minutes of walking, I decided to head back to our road and see if she had even left to go to the spa which she hadn’t. I asked if I could come in to use the loo, still bursting. She let me. I told her a wasp went in my ear (true story) during my very brief walk and it was a bit scary to which she replied: ‘karma’. She was also quite toxic prior to this and said things like: ‘I was going to buy a property before you came along and ruined my life’. Etc. Etc.

She’s since been messaging friends bitching about me and likely not telling them an accurate account.

I do feel bad about not going in the pool, but I just didn’t feel comfortable. Am I in the wrong? I’d been looking forward to the afternoon tea and am upset that I missed out on it, but she was just being so toxic. If she had been nicer, then I would have been more inclined to just drip everywhere.

Let me know your honest thoughts! Thanks xx

OP posts:
PineappleTime · 19/04/2024 17:20

She's abusive. Can you take your dog and stop spending much time with her?

Motnight · 19/04/2024 17:21

PineappleTime · 19/04/2024 17:20

She's abusive. Can you take your dog and stop spending much time with her?

This. It's disgusting what your mother was suggesting, Op.

category12 · 19/04/2024 17:22

She's off her rocker.

It's not you, it's her.

honeyandfizz · 19/04/2024 17:23

I would walk away and never contact her again OP. She is no Mother, so sorry you got landed with her.

Chemistrychic · 19/04/2024 17:24

Honestly having a period isn't a reason not to swim in itself. Probably too short notice but buy a period swimsuit if you don't want to wear tampons. Having said that her reaction is not ok and you shouldn't need to give any explanation. I can't swim tomorrow should be enough.

category12 · 19/04/2024 17:24

In fact this is so insane, I really hope you're having us on.

Doglover321 · 19/04/2024 17:25

Thanks for the speedy responses ladies. It’s my dog, friends and Meetup group that are keeping me going at the mo! Really want to move out and forget about her altogether, but don’t have the finances x

OP posts:
MummaMummaJumma · 19/04/2024 17:26

OP, I was literally just coming on here to pop in some links of swimming costumes you could swim in on your period.

But after getting to the middle of your second paragraph, I realised a swimming costume felt really insignificant.

This not a healthy relationship, at any age, or with anyone, OP. I think it’s time to create some distance my luv x

RollOnSpringDays · 19/04/2024 17:26

Wow! She’s actually horrible and abusive. Poor you. You have done nothing wrong. Do you live with her? If not, can you take your dog from her house to live with you? If you do live with her I’d be looking to move out. I hope you’re ok.

Motnight · 19/04/2024 17:28

Ah you live with her as well, that's not great for you, Op

LittleMonks11 · 19/04/2024 17:29

Your mum overreacted. Has she been like this your whole life or since she hit mummopause?

MummaMummaJumma · 19/04/2024 17:29

Doglover321 · 19/04/2024 17:25

Thanks for the speedy responses ladies. It’s my dog, friends and Meetup group that are keeping me going at the mo! Really want to move out and forget about her altogether, but don’t have the finances x

If she is chucking you out and you have no place to go, you may be provided temp accommodation whilst awaiting permanent. I’m not to clued up on this, hopefully another poster will be able to clarify?

LauderSyme · 19/04/2024 17:39

She is horrifically emotionally and verbally abusive. I am so sorry you are having to live like this.

You could genuinely present at the Council as homeless due to fleeing domestic abuse. It applies to family members as well as intimate partners.

You will automatically have a priority need because you are fleeing domestic abuse. However the emergency temporary accommodation they may provide is very likely to be one room in a grotty B&B.

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