Going to ruin my relationship

[niwolo]

Hi all,
I am looking for experiences / advice / words of wisdom on this as I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.

A bit of background, I am 27 and have been with my fiancé (who's 25) for 3 years. We are in the process of buying our first house, we are currently renting a house together and have been for the last 2 years.

We have a lovely relationship and get along like best friends. He is very loving and tells me that he loves me every day, how beautiful I am how he can't wait to spend his life with me etc.

The last few weeks I feel like I have been sabotaging this relationship in my head. He used to be obsessed with me more than I was, but I now feel as though this has switched a bit.

I used to be independent, always have plans with others, do my own thing and didn't worry about the relationship.

Lately I feel as though my life revolves around him. I am constantly worrying that he is speaking to somebody else or is going to find someone better than me. I often think what would I do if we broke up, how would I cope.

For example, he often enjoys going to the pub and seeing his friends on the weekends which never used to be a problem as I would see my friends too. But now I find myself wondering why he would rather see them than me, he doesn't want to spend time with me, etc.

I feel so needy and insecure and just as though he doesn't enjoy my company.

He has never given me any reason to feel like this, and I obviously don't voice my feelings to him as I would never want him to know I feel this insecure at the moment!

I suppose I am just looking for tips on how to stop feeling like this? I have always been a confident person who never needed a man so this is very out of character for me.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 6 years and never felt like this with him either, so I'm wondering why it's come on so suddenly.

You say you feel like your life revolves around him. Have you kept up your social life and activities outside of the relationship? If not is there a reason for that?
its very easy to slowly let go of the things that gave you confidence and independence in your life when you are 2 years in, but it really pays to keep those things going so that you still have a world without him.

Could it also be the natural worry that comes with the relatively big commitment of buying a house together?

@Asantesauna thank you for your comment. I still keep up with my social life. I work full time, go to the gym and have friends who I speak to daily and see pretty much every weekend.

But in the back of my mind I'm still worrying and thinking that he's going to turn around and say he doesn't want to be with me or that he's found somebody else. I have no clue why i have this fear of him cheating when he hasnt given me a reason for it, and its not as if i have been cheated on in the past so have past trauma!

It could well be the change of a house move, although we have lived together for 2 years so im not sure

"He used to be obsessed with me more than I was, but I now feel as though this has switched a bit."

So is it that he has withdrawn from you recently? What do you feel has changed in the dynamic on his side?

So you never have a weekend just the two of you?

@category12 I don't even know, I just feel as though at the start he was all for me and me only. But now he will often go on nights out with friends and things, whereas before he would just want to spend time with me

It is probably much healthier now, I understand that we must spend time with others and want to do other stuff so I should see it as a good thing. I suppose because he used to be all for me, I think that I'm worried that he will be happy without me.

I know I probably sound crazy and this is why I have come here to vent instead of talking to anyone irl!

@AtrociousCircumstance yes we do spend the odd weekend just us. But probably every other weekend I'll see my friends and he'll see his on a Saturday say, and then we'll spend the Sunday together if that's the case.

No, I totally get this. I’m a few more years in than you are and we don’t live together.
I still feel as I did in the beginning. If it were up to me I’d be with him every night.
He has always been independent and hasnt lived with anyone for years. He’d often prefer being at the pub with friends than here with me…but I have kids and am more restricted…so I get that to a degree. Having children is my responsibility not his and I would never expect him to take them on ( not his kids, and he has none)
When I dont have the kids I stay at his, he stays here far, far less, which does mean I am sometimes lonely. At some point it may be a deal breaker…but its ok for now. The positives of the relationship currently outweigh the negatives.
I do believe he truly loves me more than he’s loved anyone else. I think he is just different to me. More independent.
We have both made concessions to meet in the middle. Though I have possibly made more.
Do you feel loved and valued? Is it just that he has less need for the intimacy that a relationship offers compared to friendship?

Have you got out of going on nights out together? Would factoring in a regular date night help maybe? It's good practice to keep up, especially if you have DC's one day.
Wonderful though it might of seemed that he had you on a pedestool, nobody can keep up that level of adulation for years, it's bound to wane, and that is natural.
This could well be wrapped up in a bit of panic over the commitment of buying a house. You are over-analysing prior to committing and looking for flaws and reasons not to.

I am 27 and have been with my fiancé (who's 25) for 3 years.

Far too young to be deciding what you want in life at your ages.

Sorry. But give it 10/20 years you'll be back on here on how to get out of the drudgery.

Go travel, study, move to a new place, whatever. Life your life!

If you are not sure now, you will be in married hell soon enough.

Just read through the MN active before committing yourself....

Wishing you all the best OP. Twenties are meant for living, not tying yourself down.

I'm 69, been around the block many a time lol

I have recently been dumped by my boyfriend. At first I was devastated but on reflection I spent the last 6 months feeling how you feel now. He changes me from an independent, happy, secure, and strong person into someone who was needy, clingy and insecure. It was always my fault that k was feeling like this, my responsibility to sort. It's been 3 weeks since we split and I can now look back and see that it was his behaviour and the relationship that caused me to change. I am slowly rebuilding myself.

Please be careful, your mental health is priceless.

I know I probably sound crazy and this is why I have come here to vent instead of talking to anyone irl

I'd say that the problem is that you've started to invalidate your own feelings. This is shown in the quote above. You're creating (without him even knowing) a 'if he really knew me, he'd reject me' narrative. This is called an anxious attachment style. Have you heard of that? This might help you find out if it is that:

Anxious Attachment Style Guide: Causes & Symptoms (attachmentproject.com)

You need to validate yourself. You don't have to think all your feelings are great and fabulous, but you do need to accept that they're ok, they're part of who you are, and that, if he really is someone you are compatible with for marriage, he will accept them and still love you just the same.

I'm like you. The trick is finding a compatible partner, and being open. It's not about demanding your feelings be accepted. If I feel this way, I'll say 'God, I feel really insecure today, no idea where that's come from. Are we ok? Do I need to worry about anything?' and my partner will either say 'Oh, no, love there's nothing to worry about, come and have a cuddle!' or 'Well, I was a bit naffed off that you left all that washing up last night (or something)', so that I know what's actually up, and get some reassurance and clarity. We both do it.

Attachment styles come from our childhood and you likely had a similar concern in your relationship with your Mum. That's how it works traditionally!

Ring any bells, or am I barking up the wrong tree?

I think you're both very young to be buying a house together particularly when you don't spend all the time together.

It's unusual for people to spend most weekends apart isn't it? Usually friends are joint friends by then.

Why don't you go to the pub with him? Why don't you see friends together? Is it possible to hold fire on buying a house just now?

I think he’s only 25 and it’s natural to want to spend time with your mates. It is very hard to judge why you habe become clingy and needy . There could be many reasons, from mental health issues to possibly him pulling away.

If nothing else has changed in the relationship, I'd suggest it's the magnitude of buying a house together and a combination of this and an awareness of whether you want your future to continue looking like spending every other Saturday night doing your own thing that is bothering you. At least on a subconscious level.

What's next on the cards? Marriage? Children? Do you want that level of commitment whilst he is still going out with friends every other weekend? I wonder if this is more about you being ready to change the parameters of the relationship in to a more settled and 'mature' model and are uncertain about whether he wants to do the same?

People are right that your 20s should be about having fun, exploring, developing your career etc but that doesn't have to exclude a relationship. But that will only work if you are both maturing at the same rate. There's also nothing wrong at all with still going out with friends. But maybe you feel the frequency isn't aligned with how you see your future?

I'd suggest there is an underlying fear in you that this is the way it's always going to be. No one can know whether that will be the case or not. You are both young and I found what I wanted from a relationship changed dramatically from my early to my late 20s (eg in my early 20s, I wanted a boyfriend but to be quite independent and focused on going out and having fun. By my late 20s,.I still wanted that but I also wanted to be more 'settled' too.)

Are you kind of panicking because you are buying a house together and see that as a big commitment? Sometimes people look fo excuses to not commit. If you are saying you are sabotaging your relationship it may be related.

Thank you so much everybody for your lovely comments, they have been so helpful and reassuring to read.

We do spend a lot of time together, we live together so spend most evenings together and will do something every weekend even if it's on a Sunday. Even if he does go out with his friends on a Saturday night, I am always welcome and I am good friends with some of his friends girlfriends so we often do join.

It must be an issue or insecurity in my head, as I always feel as though he would rather be spending time with them even though he has never done anything to make me feel like that apart from going to the pub on a Friday night (which of course is normal now and again).

Last week I asked him if he'd like to go home shopping on Sunday and his reply was "I can't say for definite yet because I think me and the boys are doing X Y Z" which automatically made me feel as though I was second choice, but I'm trying to tell myself that it is completely normal to make plans with other people it isn't all about me I have no clue where these feelings have come from!

For example, on a weeknight if I am in another room doing my own thing he'll be asking me when I'm coming to bed to watch tv together saying that he wants to spend time with me, so when I actually think of it there is no real reason I should be feeling like this.

It's funny because I'll feel insecure for a few days, then will feel back to myself, then repeat in a few weeks.

To the PP that said I have an anxious attachment style, you are spot on!

So sorry for waffling but I'm just trying to explain everything that's going on in my head lol