Golf widow!

[Golfwidow2024]

Just had an argument with DH and need to rant.

DH plays a lot of sport, in particular golf.

Last year he had a discectomy, he was on sick leave from work for about 9 months, he never properly rested and gave himself time to recover, he started playing golf and going football training about 3 months after his surgery. He has recently had to go back to the surgeon for an MRI as he’s been having back pain again - it turns out he’s ’pushed’ more disc out. Surgeon said if he rests it will help and avoid him needing further surgery (which is paid for privately so cost a lot).

Anyway, DH has continued to play golf, he is trying to get into the Club Championship, meaning he’s having to put a lot of hours in to practice. This is pissing me off for the following reasons:

1. he’s not resting as advised by his surgeon and if he does any more damage to his back a) he can’t afford to be on sick leave again or afford more surgery b) I’m obviously concerned about the long term impact of this, if he continues doing more damage to his back could he be end up in a wheelchair?! (Maybe dramatic, I don’t know!).
2. The time required for golf practice is huge, he finishes work at 2pm and he’s not coming home until 6.30pm as he’s been playing golf all afternoon. I feel like he’s going on a jolly every day after work and coming home to a clean home and dinner on the table, while I’m working 8-4 in a demanding job, then sorting DD, cleaning the house and doing dinner. Also it means that he’s not available to spend time with me or DD, for example he doesn’t work Fridays and sometimes I can get an early finish - I’d love to be able to go for a nice lunch just us or be able to do something (anything) together. Saturday he’s usually wanting to play golf but will prioritise spending time as a family if we have plans (but I dont always want to plan in advance, some Saturdays it would be nice to wake up, see how the weather is and say ‘let’s do X’ but if we didn’t already have a plan, he would’ve arranged to go to golf and then blame me and say ‘but I only arranged golf because we didn’t have plans, I can’t back out now it’s all sorted’. Sunday he works all day :-/

When I mention all of this he thinks I’m being unreasonable and says things like “I’m only up the golf course, you know where I am, it’s not like I’m out in the pub or at football”, “we still get evenings together” (which I disagree with as evenings are busy sorting DD and after I’ve put her to bed, i’m pretty much ready for bed myself.) or “if I cause more back damage it’s not impacting you so don’t worry”.

Also, for anyone who suggest that I don’t clean the house or cook dinner for him- having a messy house drive me mad, I need it clean for my own sanity so I just do it and I like to eat dinner with DD at around 5.30 so I can’t wait until he comes home for him to cook.

oh and finally, to top it off, when he is home he constantly has golf on the tv - fing golf! I’m sick of it!

Look, hes not going to change. Its his passion. You either put up and shut up or go leave or find own hobbies

Well do you want to divorce him? Because he won't change, he's a 1950s husband. Don't turn yourself into a 1950s wife.
Tell him it's over.

Sounds like he couldn’t care about your feelings and he’s set his mind on what he is going to do and nothing will change that!

I know lots of golfers. They don’t practice or play every day in preparation for the club championship, they just enter the club championship and play in it. He can go to the range for an hour and hit 100 balls if he really wants to practice. He’s playing every day because he likes it.

He’s playing every day because he likes it better than he likes being at home with his wife and dc.

He won the club championship 4 consecutive years before he was out of action last year, he wants a ‘come back’ and to win again this year. I wouldn’t mind him going for an hour each day, 3-4 hours is a joke though.

@heldinadream yep, I think that’s right! And to think that he’s desperate for us to have a baby.. no wonder I’m not keen.

He doesn't care about himself - other than getting to do what he wants to do
He doesn't care about you or your needs
He doesn't care about your DD's needs
He doesn't care about your family unit

It's all very well for him to say that if he injures his back again it's not going to effect you but who's going to be running him around, who's going to have to manage the family budget with less money, who's going to have to watch the family savings being depleted? Yep, that will be you.
You have to decide if he's now worth accommodating and if the relationship is worth it. I guess that you've probably got the 'ick' now?
You've stated your position and he's ignored it at best and belittled it at worst. It's probably time to tell him to shape up or ship out - you and DD don't need this.

So, having seen your last post, there's three people in your marriage - you, him and his giant ego.

He’s a dinosaur. Move on.

When do you get proper time for yourself? What would he say if you swanned off and neglected responsibilities like he does?

Your husband needs time for hobbies sure but not at the expense of his duties as a father and responsibilities as a husband.

Personally it would be ultimatum time for me.

Oh and my husband plays gold but not only goes he fit golf around family stuff (and not family stuff around golf) but also makes sure I have time for my hobbies and you know what? He's still club champion.

Not keen??

You should be fuming the selfish prick has suggested anything of the sort.

Anyway, what are you going to do OP?

Also, for anyone who suggest that I don’t clean the house or cook dinner for him- having a messy house drive me mad, I need it clean for my own sanity so I just do it and I like to eat dinner with DD at around 5.30 so I can’t wait until he comes home for him to cook.

Doesn't mean you have to leave any food for him though...

Thanks for the responses, it’s validated my feelings as I was wondering if I was being unreasonable based on what he said this morning.

I’m wfh today, just gone downstairs to talk to him and he’s gone to golf..

I’ve had a think about what would work for me and if he’s not willing to compromise and reduce the hours that he’s at golf then he can be single and go to golf all he wants (which would likely be less if we were co-parenting!!).

So.. again another evening alone! app the OH has sooooo much golf in June., His latest “obsession”
started up again 5 years ago, and he is litterly obsessed, lessons, TV practice, practice and more practice, weekends away with his golf mates, new clubs, you name it!
I am trying to learn golf, as OH thinks it’ll be good for us.. however after 3 years I’m still not “good enough to play in the course..
Now we run a business together, it was very successful , last year was super stressful as we had work cancel and it left us in the s*t but I’ve managed to pull it round by kicking ass..
exhausting.. last year OH had 4 weekends away, we had no holiday together or weekends away, we was due to go away if a weekend this month, but I can’t afford it, he can’t as he bought a new driver, he was determined to make that happen. There is no balance with golf, like many other women out their who are going through the same, I feel like all the st is dumped on me, and I don’t believe I factor very highly when it comes to me and his golf.. I struggle with anxiety, therapy has helped a lot with that though.. and I’m not as confident as I used to be, I do go to the gym, but that it. I am so drained as his latest is to go to his bestiest daughters wedding, pay for the accomodation and I have to be happy about the fact “we’re getting away” to be honest I just want to tell him to go f himself!

I feel for you I do, they are so blind as to what they have, tbh.. I’m feeling the same as you!

I’m so fed up of it! During the month of May I worked out that I seen DH only 11 evenings as all the others he was at golf or working afternoons (the working isn’t his fault, but it still calculated that he had more evenings at golf than with me).

I don’t know how much longer I can put up with the selfishness!

You're also facilitating golf for him, if he was single or had to pull his weight at home and with his dc he'd not have time, money or energy to play so much golf.

I'd love to be able to just go to work and do a hobby, go to bed rinse and repeat. No housework, no childcare, no cooking or anything else that is boring adult stuff! But he's got you, you give the illusion of being happily married with dc, but gets to do as he wants to.

I think you set out your stall with him, sit him down and tell him how you feel one last time, tell him what you need from him and tell him that it's potentially make or break for you and the relationship (I don't think ultimatums work). Then give it a few weeks or a month whilst you get your ducks in a row. Use this time to see a solicitor etc and if nothing changes I'd take steps to leave. Let's see how much golf he can play without a housekeeper, cook, babysitter and business partner.

Hearing you on that I feel exactly the same.. he’ll be proper fuming when I tell him I’m booking a week away, which coincides with the wedding and his weekend.. oh he’ll say it’s not his fault, it’s all those competitions.. well who’s fking entered them dickwad! I don’t know about you but I feel weighted down with the stress! Hahah if I take time out, he goes to practice golf!! I cannot believe it..