Should I reach out to my ex after 3 years?

[milkyway512]

Hi, I’m 24 and when I was 20 I dated a man who was 25. When we met through tinder, I just wanted to lose my virginity and he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but he said he wanted to see me again and from then on it went very quickly, we began a relationship and I got very overwhelmed. I broke up with him, then got back together with him, then broke up with him again. We were only together for a month 😳 but it was so intense, i can’t shake the feeling something is really wrong. It’s been 3 years now and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him or what I did. It’s been sort of eating me up and I don’t know what to do. Everyone reminds me of him and everything does as well. I even have this imaginary scenario of him being with my best friend and that eats me up as well! And makes me so jealous.

i’m prepared for a rejection or no response - I just don’t know what I’d do if he actually wanted to meet, as it’s what happened last time and I don’t know if I’m ready. I just need to get this off my chest and I’ve put off messaging him for ages, as friends and family have suggested it but I said no as I didn’t want to upset him again and I thought it would be bad for me as well. But now I think what of, maybe it would help? And help me let go and help me finally answer this question of whether he is indeed with my best friend, or whether it’s ocd, and whether he is my ‘soulmate’ as my mind keeps telling me he is. The truth is I feel as if he might me the love of my life, as he told me I was his, and he told me that we’d grow old together. I didn’t actually believe him at the time. But what if he was right and he knew something I didn’t?

I just don’t want to make the mistake of messaging him and reopening old wounds, hurting him, and being selfish. It may help me but not him. Or maybe I have nothing to lose?

what should I do? Thank you

Work on yourself for a while. You don't sound as though you're in the right place for a relationship. Three years after a month long relationship, this isn't healthy. You say that that month was full of huge emotion and splitting up - that's not how a relationship should be.

I think you need to focus on being a stable, happy person in your own right before you try to have a relationship. You can't possibly know this person properly, and you're obsessed with the idea of who he might be, not who he is, an image you've made up. Even if he was the perfect person, that relationship didn't work out (maybe timing, maybe circumstances) and so you move on and look for someone else.

You sound like you are intense and overthinking things.

Yep - work on yourself. Can you have some therapy op?

It's not healthy to be that attached to someone that wanted a quick on/off fling.
Dont idolise him as your soulmate, is that really a thing? Be more open minded that are plenty more opportunities to meet other men more suitable, don't tie yourself to mentally to a man from the past, relationships come and go, there is no certainty that one lasts forever, you were very young and that makes it less likely.
Get out more with your friends at your age and have fun.

Consider focusing on personal growth, perhaps through therapy. Learn to make decisions based on reason rather than solely emotions.

He was never committed to you. Despite his early warning of not wanting anything serious, he took advantage of your eagerness with lies.

Be cautious when someone claims to see a future with you after just four weeks, especially if it's not mutual or arranged. True feelings take time to develop; there's no need to rush.

It seems he returned for selfish reasons like sex and boosting his ego, discarding you when he saw no further use.

He's moved on; there's no need to keep tabs on him or his relationships. He's not your "soulmate".

Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

Focus on personal growth rather than dating for now.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Do not message him. Work on you instead through therapy and love your own self for
a change.

Well if its your best friend you are paranoid about theres a simple answer, just ask her if and who she is dating. But if she is a best friend, shouldnt you know that already?
The whole 'soulmates' thing is just BS, there are many people in life who could be more compatible than others. You cannot know this after a month. You do sound like you are obsessing about something very short that was on and off, which makes it sound more like a MH issue on your part. Has something other happend lately in your life recently that has made your mind turn to thos as a distraction? If so deal with what else has gone on and ignore these thoughts, its a red herring by the sounds of it.

Hasn't this already been posted? I'm sure I left a scathing reply already?!

Exactly what @YesIminbedsowhat said.

You had a fling that lasted 4 weeks. He is not the love of your life and it's concerning that you'd be so fixated on a short fling so many years after the fact. Particularly to the degree where you're creating fictional scenarios in which your best friend is dating him. Go to therapy, work through the feelings and why you're hanging on to something so brief.

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages! You’re all absolutely right and I do need to focus on my mental health instead of fixating on this man I only knew for a month. I do think it’s related to other issues in my life, and I use this as a distraction from that. Thank you for your reasonable responses :)

I hope you don't mind me asking but did you lose your virginity to him? It might explain why you were so attached after a short time.

And how is your relationship with your mum and dad? Did you suffer abandonment in some form?

Yes I did lose my virginity to him, it was a really impulsive idea to go out on tinder and do it to ‘get it over with’. How stupid am I!

and yes, my parents split up when I was three, my dad left.

First loves tend to be very intense and the first cut is the deepest.

i would meet, just so you can take of you're rose tinted glasses off.

Don't contact him, it won't help. Book in with a counsellor to talk it over and as others have said use the situation to develop yourself.