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Original poster

I want to sleep in separate beds, he refuses

28 replies

Ethaniol · 18/04/2024 23:10

My boyfriend is really good and he’s the classic case of all my female friends being like “ooo he’s not like a normal man” which I hate anyway, I’ve always said I’d never settle for someone who didn’t want to pull their weight and be equals etc. he does his fair share of housework and actually does all the cooking, I then just do the deep cleaning bits but it all averages out as fair and I’m very happy. We are healthy with communication and I do feel he’s done a lot to accommodate me (not because I won’t compromise) but simply as he says to me “I don’t have any strong opinions on this so if it is important to you, we will do it that way” type of thing, so obviously when something is important to him, I want to try and accommodate that but I’m really struggling. I have lived in my place on my own for 6 years and he has stayed in his family home since he finished uni. He’s at mine quite a bit (been dating 10 months) and I get no sleep… I hate it. He’s tall and heavy and I wake up with him literally all over me, legs heavy on me and it wakes me up, roasting hot, etc. like I genuinely can’t cope with this sleep anymore. I end up moving to the sofa almost every time in my own home… it’s actually stressing me out because I’m now thinking can I actually ever be in a relationship. I then realised how some couples sleep in different rooms all together! Obviously not possible at mine as I have one bedroom but I did think about having 2 beds next to each other and he has said absolutely not, but he’s happy to have a super king bed one day (it’s not possible in my current place as the bedroom then wouldn’t fit anything else in) but I’m now here actually worried because do I really just have to accept I’m never getting decent sleep again when he stays? Like I know it sounds horrible but I often look forward to the nights he goes home so I can sleep properly and it shouldn’t be like that, but this is like the only issue I’ve got so surely this will be the same in any relationship… now I’m worried I just can’t be in one! Help!

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 18/04/2024 23:13

It's your house, if you want to get separate beds get them, he doesn't get to dictate what you do in your own house!

FWIW, I've been married 30 years and when I want to sleep alone I do!

C0NNIE · 18/04/2024 23:14

Lots of couples are very happy in two beds in the same room or even separate bedrooms. With visits for sex/ cuddles and then sleeping alone.

You can’t live your life sleep deprived. If he won’t compromise then you are not compatible and you need to end it.

Scarletttulips · 18/04/2024 23:14

I don’t see there’s an issue if you wanting to get some sleep - a bigger bed is a must!

I quite resent having a 4 bed house and 3 kids - I pay full whack and have to share!! Spent years as a teen sharing and desperately wanting my own room. That feeling never leave you!!

parsleydog · 18/04/2024 23:17

Separate duvets. Try that before you despair.

Mumof1andacat · 18/04/2024 23:20

Do you have a double or a king? Me and dh are OK in a king but a double is no good

Original poster
Ethaniol · 18/04/2024 23:22

parsleydog · 18/04/2024 23:17

Separate duvets. Try that before you despair.

to be fair we both seem to end up without a duvet because of the absolute jungle it ends up feeling like, I wouldn’t mind if I could just be left alone on my side of the bed, but I wake up with him all over me (and he isn’t doing it on purpose) but it’s extra bad when he is double the weight of me so a leg is quite heavy! And enough to wake me up

It’s my place and it does feel unfair to be the one having to always end up on the sofa or be constantly sleep deprived for him to wake up going “ah you have the best bed ever, I sleep so well here” but I try to act like it’s our home and stuff as I imagine he will end up living here one day and I don’t want to sound unreasonable by constantly bringing up it’s my place as if one day it’s not, I know I’ll have to find a balance then anyway so trying to do that now but I just wish he would go for the separate beds next to each other, as I say one day we will definitely get a super king but it’s not realistic right now but seriously the thought of having this lack of sleep get even worse the more he stays/one day moves in is getting me down

OP posts:
Original poster
Ethaniol · 18/04/2024 23:24

Mumof1andacat · 18/04/2024 23:20

Do you have a double or a king? Me and dh are OK in a king but a double is no good

We are in a double but it really is just no good for us still (well, for me) as he needs more than what half a double is to stay off of me

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 18/04/2024 23:28

The fact that you’re having to act a certain way to please him - totally contrary to the truth - is a big red flag.

The fact that he doesn’t care about your wellbeing because he gets what he wants is a big red flag.

Turns out he’s one of those common or garden selfish entitled men your friends admire him for not being after all.

Be straight with him. Don’t tiptoe around him. You matter. It’s your house. This is a deal breaker because no one should be expected to sacrifice their well being for their partner, and your partner shouldn’t basically say “I don’t care if it’s shit for you, I’m happy with the way things are so NO”.

Fathomless · 18/04/2024 23:28

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/04/2024 23:13

It's your house, if you want to get separate beds get them, he doesn't get to dictate what you do in your own house!

FWIW, I've been married 30 years and when I want to sleep alone I do!

Agree. bad sleep would drive me mad

RightOnTheEdge · 18/04/2024 23:30

It's your house, he doesn't get to say "absolutely not" about anything in your house, especially when you've only been seeing each other for 10 months!

Your house, you get to pick the furniture.

TyneTeas · 18/04/2024 23:31

How does he think he can refuse?

You are saying that you do not want to sleep in the same bed as him

In matters of consent, no trumps yes.

BeakyPIinders · 18/04/2024 23:32

I have a separate bedroom to my beloved. Cannot sleep in the same bed, it drives us both mad

LemonyFace · 18/04/2024 23:32

Tell him he can't sleep over anymore. If he can't respect your space, he needs to go home to sleep.

RedToothBrush · 18/04/2024 23:35

Ethaniol · 18/04/2024 23:22

to be fair we both seem to end up without a duvet because of the absolute jungle it ends up feeling like, I wouldn’t mind if I could just be left alone on my side of the bed, but I wake up with him all over me (and he isn’t doing it on purpose) but it’s extra bad when he is double the weight of me so a leg is quite heavy! And enough to wake me up

It’s my place and it does feel unfair to be the one having to always end up on the sofa or be constantly sleep deprived for him to wake up going “ah you have the best bed ever, I sleep so well here” but I try to act like it’s our home and stuff as I imagine he will end up living here one day and I don’t want to sound unreasonable by constantly bringing up it’s my place as if one day it’s not, I know I’ll have to find a balance then anyway so trying to do that now but I just wish he would go for the separate beds next to each other, as I say one day we will definitely get a super king but it’s not realistic right now but seriously the thought of having this lack of sleep get even worse the more he stays/one day moves in is getting me down

Show quote history

I can't sleep being hugged by DH. It's suffocating. He crushes me.

He doesn't do it now because I won't tolerate it.

He's physically considerably bigger than me.

The way I view it, is I have to consent to being touched in any way whatsoever. If I make it explicitly clear I'm not happy with physical contact whilst asleep, I reserve the right to wake him up.

That soon drives home the message.

He may feel differently, if every time he drops himself, you wake him up.

Separate beds I think is something else. He needs to respect your physical boundaries. Being asleep isn't a justification.

pelotonaddiction · 18/04/2024 23:38

Superking with separate duvets might work
That's only if he sticks on his own side though!
I'm 5ft 10 and couldn't share a double with someone now

Talipesmum · 18/04/2024 23:39

It’s really not ok, and it’s not a minor thing. The first time you had to move to the sofa because you couldn’t sleep with him there - that’s when he should have tried to fix it. Offered to sleep there himself, at least alternate nights.

However, I’m a bit confused about the space. How could you potentially fit two separate beds in the room, but you can’t fit a king size? A double plus an extra bed is much bigger than a super king, and two singles are the same as a super king.

Also I would say that a king size bed - not even a super king - is sooo much better than a double. It doesn’t look like much on paper but it’s so much more spacious. I feel horribly crowded in a double but a king is brilliant.

It’s a lot about his attitude as well though. Make sure you tell him exactly how bad it is for you. It’s not ok to go on like this.

MrDobbs · 18/04/2024 23:40

You mentioned a super king is not realistic right now but is there any way you can get a king sized bed?

For us the difference between a king and a standard double is the difference between a good night's sleep and almost no sleep. Doesn't sound like it's much bigger on paper but it's a total game changer.

HeddaGarbled · 18/04/2024 23:41

I wake up with him literally all over me, legs heavy on me

I’d try addressing this first. He needs to stay on his own side of the bed.

GrumpyPanda · 18/04/2024 23:46

It’s my place and it does feel unfair to be the one having to always end up on the sofa or be constantly sleep deprived for him to wake up going “ah you have the best bed ever, I sleep so well here” but I try to act like it’s our home and stuff as I imagine he will end up living here one day and I don’t want to sound unreasonable by constantly bringing up it’s my place as if one day it’s not..

So next time he goes on about how he "sleeps so well here" why not just tell him "-well, I don't." Ownership is a red herring. The fact is you're both supposed to be comfortable, and you're not. No different from continually faking orgasms - just tell him what your needs are.

Incidentally, adjoining twin beds (with separate duvets) are the norm in quite a few countries and it hasn't killed off intimacy going by the population statistics.

Anniissa · 18/04/2024 23:46

I think absolutely you should be able to say you need to sleep separately for you to be able to get your sleep as it is totally miserable to not be getting a decent nights sleep…. But equally if he is not happy having separate beds he is not being unreasonable, you’re just incompatible. I totally understand for some people separate beds is the way things work for them but personally I would never want a relationship which involves separate beds so someone who wanted otherwise is perfectly fine to want that but they’re not compatible with me. If you both want different things either you find a way for you both to be happy with a compromise or you realise it just won’t work.

altmember · 18/04/2024 23:47

It's your bed, and it's your house. So entirely up to you what the sleeping arrangements are (even if it was a joint home he still couldn't force you to share a bed with him). So tell him if he wants to stay over it needs to be in separate beds if that's what you want. If he doesn't like that he can go home at the end of the evening.

Maybe in future when you have space for a bigger bed it'll hopefully be possible to share comfortably. Could a compromise be that he only stays over in your bed on weekends? And on a 'school night' he sleeps on the sofa or doesn't stay over at all?

My guess is that he has absolutely no idea how much he's moving and spreading about while asleep. It doesn't sound like he's just affectionately cosying up to you in his sleep, but completely oblivious to there being another person in the bed with him. I've never experienced anything like this with a partner, I don't think it's all that common. Maybe if he was aware of just how much he's dominating your bed he might be more sympathetic. Maybe try prodding him in the ribs forcefully to wake him every time he strays too far over in the night?

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 18/04/2024 23:48

possible at mine as I have one bedroom but I did think about having 2 beds next to each other and he has said absolutely not,

You've been dating 10 months, it's your house, and he thinks he is in charge? Fuck That. He's not the one who gets to decide!!!!

TheBlueRoad · 18/04/2024 23:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GridlockedKey · 18/04/2024 23:50

Separate duvets was a game changer for me. I'm amazed at how much difference it makes.

I couldn't sleep in a double
With my husband.

ExcitedButNervous0424 · 18/04/2024 23:57

YANBU at all.

Me and my husband sleep in separate rooms because I cannot share a bed with him and sleep. After years of us taking it in turns to sleep on the sofa we decided to just formally have separate rooms and it’s been a life saver.

You need to spell it out for your boyfriend that you cannot sleep when he’s in your bed and so he cannot spend the night at your house anymore unless he sleeps on the sofa. Also tell him that you can’t imagine ever feeling different even if your relationship continues to progress to the point of living together and that if he can’t understand your need to sleep then it may not be worth letting the relationship continue.

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