Abusive ex partner & Social Services

[StrugglesSadness]

Hello, I've been advised to post on here from the parenting board.

I've been split from my partner (my children's dad) for 7 years.

We have SS involved due to my son being extremely aggressive towards me & sometimes his sister, this is after or before a change at school, change in routine, also being asked to do/not to do something. He would never talk about his feelings but is getting slightly better with this.

I love both of my children but I am finding things very, very difficult. When SS became involved, they took all of my other support away.

SS have said today that they what to do a Parenting Capacity Assessment.

My ex has remained abusive to me but nobody else seems to be able to 'see' it. For years, he told me that my son's behaviour was my fault because I was 'Clearly mental'. (He used to bang his head on the floor when upset but doesn't do this anymore) & the other day he told me that my daughters behaviour is my fault too (she is extremely defiant & struggling to listen)

I'm not really sure what I want from this post. I don't think that the Parenting Capacity Assessment is going to be a good thing.

SS seem to think that my ex is wonderful & can do no wrong.
He recently had the children for 3 nights (longest he's had them since lockdown 1) & spent 90% of that time sending me nasty texts.

I tried to tell 'Family Solutions' (who we used to have involved) how my ex is still financially abusing me now, & she found it funny, & didn't offer any help or advice.

Sorry that this is so jumbled, just trying to get it out.

What sort of support got taken away?

I think you need someone to advocate for you and advise you - could you get in touch with Women's Aid or the Rights of Women?

category12 I think that too. I've been trying to find an advocate but it's very difficult. I don't think I've tried Rights for women. Women's aid can't do much, I'm doing parenting courses with them (I've done the Freedom course before)

I had a volunteer who worked for Family First, so I lost the support of Family First & the volunteer (she used to go to parenting groups with me, came to the CAF school meetings with me & used to come & visit me once a week at home) & also the CAF support worker herself, always used to answer emails & texts, used to visit me every other week & saw the children at school weekly/every other week.

All three of those just stopped when I got SS involved.

The Social worker has seen the children in November & March at school & myself just the once at the last CIN meeting & for a few minutes at home once in February(ish)

How old is your son? Not sure why ss got involved my daughter is autistic and lashes out at siblings and I have never had ss involved because of this..

MagicLemon He's just 11. They got involved because we had the early help team involved for nearly 2 years & I asked for some more support.

Biggest mistake I've ever made, but there you go.

Ah right school have suggested they can refer me to early help before but I declined so looks like I made the right decision there! Could you not show them the texts as proof? Sounds like he is very charming for everyone to believe he is a nice guy

Hi, I can fully sympathise with where you are. Things went really badly for us as SS listened to the ex and saw him as a Disney dad that could do no wrong and was engaged with his children. Are there any parenting groups local to you such as a parent and carers alliance? A lot of parents with children with additional needs have been through battles with SS. They can be there to support you, point you in the right direction and just listen.
Please do keep a log of everything! I know it sounds boring but doing it after every interaction won't take long, rather than trying to remember and look back when needed.

Thank you MagicLemon. I could but he would most likely talk his way out of it & they aren't interested anyway.

He absolutely knows how to wrap people (women) around his finger.

A few years back, we went for mediation, he hadn't paid maintenance that month as he was annoyed with me (20 days late on the day of the meeting) so he told her that he'd paid it that morning & she laughed & told him to pay it on time in future (he didn't)

Thank you tiredandbroken I hope you are in a better place now?
That's exactly how things are going for me. They were fine at first (apart from SS taking my other support away so things have gradually become more difficult for me as times gone on)

But once their dad decided to actually parent a bit more, it's like they are all in awe of him.

I'm not sure. I keep trying different places but they can't help for various reasons or they give me a list of other places to try, who can't, etc.

Better now but 2.5 years of social care and court involvement and even the police. They even criticised me for not having pictures on my fridge (like he did)! Feel free to message if you want to chat further. I would recommend in any parenting assessment to try to avoid talking about your ex. They see it as a bitter ex and you are more focused on him than the children.

Thank you tiredandbroken. I'm glad that things are better for you now.
Yes, I'd thought about that (about not being too negative about my ex)

OP has your son been assessed for his mental health/autism/adhd. Sounds to me he could be neurodiverse in some way.

I recommend you contact the PAC - they're fantastic. They work with parent carers of children with additional needs, which it sounds like perhaps both of yours have, and they do a lot of work to prevent parent blaming. The have an advice line, a low cost advocacy service, and a retired social worker who can advise parents.

Has anyone suggested that your DC may be ND?

Thank you Tomselleckhaskindeyes That is a long, horrible story but in short, I've been trying to get him assessed since he was 8.

Currently where we are at with this is I have a letter from his Barnardo's Counsellor saying that he needs to be assessed BUT the Social worker has so far refused to do her part & I can't do it alone.

Thank you DeleteIfNotAloud I will have a look, I don't think I've heard of them.

I do have my suspicions about my daughter sometimes, I'm not sure, but my son definitely.

The Social worker, on meeting them both for the first time, mentioned Autism for both of them. This was back in August & she still won't do my son's paperwork.

Honestly get in touch with them and join their FB group. They are excellent.

Good luck.

Ask school to help you with ds's forms. Ime involving them will get a truer reflection of what you are dealing with and be able to statement as such.

School did the first set of forms but it was refused, & the Senco says that she isn't allowed to do it a second time.

School don't 'see' much of it, it's all at home/out of school although they've seen him upset/anxious at the start & ends of the school day sometimes (but generally he's fine) they've seen him burst into tears & they shrug their shoulders & say 'He's been fine all day, he must be anxious about going home'.

Having said that, it was school who mentioned 'Masking' & Autism to me, back when he was 8, before that I'd been told since he was 3 (when I first asked for help with him) that I just wasn't parenting properly.

I know that this thread was quiet, but I had to delete my other thread for the time being (MN will put it back up when I ask them)

The NDD paperwork has been sent off.
That's obviously a good thing.

Everything is awful though. My ex is making my life hell & I just don't know what to do or who to ask for help.

I spoke to WA the other day but they really weren't much help.