Partner depressed help

[Aerial200]

I have been with my partner for 7 years and the past month his moods have become progressively worse! He’s constantly snappy with our 2 children (toddlers) when I ask him what’s wrong he says he doesn’t know. And I’ve said if he wants to talk I’m here but he doesn’t unless I force him.
the most I have got out of him is that he loves me and the kids and that won’t ever change but he doesn’t love our life and he can’t cope with the children’s constant needs and crying ect.
I have told him he needs to book a doctors appointment but he is refusing!
I am at a loss really it’s starting to make me ill now! I am trying to support him as well as take the pressure off as much as possible.
we also have a mortgage too and I am just scared he doesn’t want us any more! I work part time as well as managing the kids too which is hard!
has anyone had any similar situations with there spouses? I just don’t know what to do! :’( I’m so scared as I love him so much and I can’t seem to help him!

What happened a month ago?. What was he like prior to then?.!

I would not readily assume he is depressed and besides which he is not wanting to seek any medical help. In turn you are not expected to be his sounding board nor rehab centre.

Does he work?. How does he behave to and around people outside of home?.

I would tell him to move out if he cannot treat his children nicely, they are toddlers after all and he’s supposed to be the adult here. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. Make the children and you your number 1 priority instead.

Nothing in particular he’s been grumpy for a while but nothing extreme, Yh he works full time and it’s quite a stressful job. I think this gets on top of him a lot. I know he struggles with the fact we can’t go out as and when we want and seems to struggle with the mundane part of life of routines no excitement.
he tends to put a mask on the rest of the time that’s why I think depression. I’m the only one that really sees this side.
I am in two minds to just let him get on with it and when he’s ready to talk or whatever that’s fine. Stress is making me ill.
Yh he looses his temper so easily (never done anything to them) just shouts at them but most of the time he doesn’t have to have them on his own.

If he is shouting at the toddlers and it's making you ill with stress it would be best for him to move out. Is there somewhere he could stay, parents perhaps? He needs to see his GP and start to take responsibility for the way he is behaving. You can't help him if he won't help himself.

If this treatment is solely reserved for you people as his family he is abusive towards you, not depressed. Do not in any event readily assume depression here. Do not take on any mantle of responsibility here re him and his moods aka emotional abuse.

He is also not interested in seeking help and wants to use you as a scapegoat for his inherent ills. You have a choice re this man, your children don’t. What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

And can you imagine how scared they must feel when dad shouts at them?. They must be terrified. You in turn feel awful.

You cannot fully protect them from him whilst you are all under the same roof.

There isn’t anywhere he can stay, however he is trying to stay out of the way when he feels overly stressed!
I’m hoping he will choose to go to the Gp soon and realise he needs help!

My DH has suffered from depression for most of his adult life. It's not something you can fix for him if it is depression. Can't say it sounds like it to me though from the little you've said.
Honestly, I'd sit down when the kids are in bed and have an honest chat to come up with some solutions. You've said he's not happy and you are worried. You want to stay together - you are in this together, so work on it together. Both of you are facing challenges and he needs to know that his behaviour is putting your health and potentially your relationship at risk. Imagine if this continues? How will you feel in a year or 2 years of this same behaviour? I'd be at breaking point after a few months I think.
So figure out what the root cause is and come up with a solution to fix it between you. it might feel impossible but a few small tweaks can make a huge difference.
Child free time? find some trusted babysitters, start going out for a few hours just the two of you. Make a space in the house that is a child free zone.
Easily losing his temper is a bit of an issue, it's not adult behaviour and he needs to reign that in. I'm a big advocate for counselling but it's not everyones cup of tea.
Good luck

Sounds like postnatal depression - men suffer from it too.

Is there a perimental health team / organisation / charity near you? I link in with one for part of my job and they run online sessions once a month for dads. Maybe this is something to look for. Your health visitor may know what is about.

He is probably not seeing them at their best but when they are tired at the end of the day. Maybe suggest he take a day of to spend with the kids even if it is one at a time and go the local park/olay group so he gets to see the fun/nice/positive parts of parenting.

I'd also suggest a visit to the GP if things don't improve.

@Welliwould
yh he struggles with not having time for ourselves massively and as you know time flies when managing work, and daily life and before you know it months have gone by and we haven’t had time together ect.
at the moment as well all he wants to do is sleep! I have tried to have a few conversations and he just doesn’t want to talk about what he’s struggling with or what we can do. End up just reassuring him that I’m there when he’s ready. Also his dad died when he was a teenager and recently he keeps bringing up about how he wonders what it would have been like to have a relationship with him. Don’t think he’s ever dealt with this properly, and only started to mention his dad since having the kids xx

@BrizzleMaverick
that could be a possibility when we had our little girl he loved her and had all the time in the world for her but since having our lil boy he appears to have struggled! Don’t get me wrong he’s hard work at times, which is no excuse, however he just wasn’t as excited? I don’t think thats the right word but it wasn’t the same!
but you are right he just gets the tired times a lot of the time and he’s tired too from his job, mentally stressful works silly hours sometimes!
thank you for this idea! I will have to check if anything like that is around my area! X

@AttilaTheMeerkat
he is aware that it not acceptable and feels awful after he has shouted at them.
it’s not intentional, though I am not making excuses for him.
he needs to get some form of support/help all this is very recent and I feel he just isn’t coping with life!

You get tired too and yet you do not treat your children like he has done.

He cannot be seen by his children to treat them by potentially favouring one over the other. It will affect their sibling relationship markedly in years to come.

I would still ask him to move out as he is currently disinterested in wanting to seek help. He must not be allowed to drag you and his kids down with him. You need a calm and peaceful house.

Can you imagine a giant three times your height shouting at you? In a new world where you have no power and depend on that giant for food and shelter? That is what he is doing to your toddlers.

And that is where I would draw the line.

Fine, sleep,sulk, go out, do anything but go to the GP eh, but shouting at toddlers is beyond my line.

This is where I would start OP

I would sit him down and make him understand that if he pulled that nonsense one more time we or he would be out of the house.

And I would rapidly not love him so much if he shouted at my toddlers

He may have some degree of awareness but this is repeated behaviour from him. It’s not acceptable whichever way it’s looked at.

How was he raised, what did he learn about relationships when he was growing up?. What was his late father like towards him?. It’s his sole responsibility and not yours for him to get support and currently at least he does not want support. I would directly ask him
why.

@frozendaisy
my lil one tells him not to shout.
I know shouting is not nice and it frustrates me.
it’s a difficult situation
thank you for your reply xx

If this frustrates you it’s even worse for the child on the receiving end of their dad’s shouting. Your child already also tells him not to shout. How does that make you feel?.

What are these young people going to remember about their childhoods, their dad’s shouting at them cannot become the cornerstone of it. You cannot protect them from this whilst you are all under the same roof.

Article on the guardian today about emotionally immature adults

There are four kinds of emotionally immature parents, according to Gibson: driven parents, who try to perfect everyone around them; passive parents, who avoid all conflict; rejecting parents, who don’t seem to enjoy being with their child at all; and emotional parents, who have mood swings, are emotionally inconsistent and need others to stabilize them.

Anything recognisable OP?