Growing up

[Ellen55]

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and drug addict father. I have had occasions when I was 10, where my father had a drug overdose in the bathroom, paramedics in home, chaos and then I went into school the next day and told no one about it. Mum never spoke to me about it or my other five siblings. Father’s drug addict friends also used our family bathroom to take drugs and they also overdosed on occasion and I was witness to it. No one had ever spoken to me about this. Mother drinks daily and always has done. Weekends were spent hanging around outside pubs being looked after by older teenagers. I never once spoke about this to anyone. I hid it - probably not very well from school and even from friends as I was so ashamed.
I am now a mum and I just cannot understand my childhood at all. I remember being woken by police in my bedroom, I must have been eleven and my first thought was to go to my younger siblings as they were crying. I am now teetotal and to be honest, the complete opposite with my children. I am organised, they don’t stay away, they have clean clothes, routines, a comfortable home but none of this stops me feeling so shameful of my childhood. To this day, none in my family speaks of it. Some of my siblings now drink quite a bit and will hang around pubs etc with their children. They seem to think of me as weird for not doing it but I just want more for my children.

That's an awful lot to deal with and process at such a young age OP. When growing up with dysfunction we will either become like that ourselves or we break the cycle and become the total opposite. Be proud of yourself for breaking that cycle and being a better example for your children.

My mother has borderline personality disorder and some of things she did to me growing up I just cannot wrap my head around especially since becoming a mother myself. Have you considered going to therapy? It can really help you make better sense of your childhood experiences.