Finding the strength to go

[lurker1000]

I’m scared to go even though I know it’s probably the best thing.

my husband got a flat six months ago and moved out but he never really went - he has always been around - every weekend, nights during week - and we were getting on lots better (background - he’s a gambling addict, 18 months off bet now but at time he was really angry that I hadn’t shared my inheritance - I’d put away for my kids.)

but despite this - nothing feels like it is moving forward. We have just had a lovely three weeks - he was back watching kids whilst I was working and then we had a good couple of weeks but then out of nowhere he kind of turned on me - starting saying that I wasn’t taking responsibility for why he left, I should have been trying harder, how if he hadn’t come over every weekend we would be nowhere. He’s now left to go back to his flat.

i genuinely don’t think there is someone else - could be wrong I guess. But I’ve just had enough. I’ve been paying all the bills for eight months - he is generous and pays for things with kids when around but no child maintenance. His moods are so unpredictable. And after six months where I feel he is calling the shots - I just don’t know what to do.

feeling pretty isolated - my family are just scunnered with him after he left and how he went about it and have no time for him being back….so I’ve not really had them around.

I am just done - six months - when it’s good, it’s great but soooo unpredictable - I don’t want my family separated but I don’t see how I can keep going like this - just needing a hand hold. Heartbroken and sad over here.

Take control of the situation and end it completely. Apply for a divorce online

What if that’s the last thing you want???

He just messaged to say he is out clubbing and he is drawing a line - just heartbroken . Feeling like a bloody sap - please send strength!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Move forwards. Stop pining for him. Set him free. You will be so much happier without all his issues

You don't need us to be sending you strenght.
You have all the strenght in you to do this. You just need to believe in yourself and stop looking outward for people to hold on to. Especially him.
He's not reliable. He's not kind. He's not good. he's not generous. He's not loving. If he was any of these things, he'd be them consistently, and not now and then on a good day.
You don't need him. You've been doing it without him for a long time, you just don't realise it.
It will be easier when he's not in your home, in your daily life, messing with your head. Trust me.

He's selfish and manipulating, and you've already put up with too much from him, it's all about making you jump through hoops, take back control, and get rid once and for all, start calling the shots, you'll feel better and empowered.

What do you want? X

Imagine yourself in this situation in another year.
Why and what for?
Call or text family to say hello.
Addictive issues are a nightmare.
Limit contact with him, and arrange a set time for seeing your children.
Only talk to people who cheer you up.
Perhaps mention your intentions with family, and they may help or be around more?.
Do not let him him be too familiar.
Is anyone else able to help work childcare.
You do not need him.
You have a home, income, and children.
Break the cycle and find someone when you are ready that lifts you up.
I'm out clubbing... I want to upset you and want you to want me, my life seems so much better...I doubt it mate.
Find small steps daily just to get you along to a better place.
If I can do it, I am sure you can!

Thank you all - what do I want? I want it to be how it used to be - for everything to be back to normal. I guess I know that’s not going to happen but it’s why I’ve let him win his way back in - the door was always a bit open I guess. This is my second marriage - I just feel like a complete loser. One day at a time.

I know what its like to be in a relationship with someone with an addicitive personality. They are naturally selfish. Lack in control and dont take accountability for anything.

They hate to see other people with stuff when they have so little and resent people being comfortable if they cant be. Money. Drugs. Drink and cheaters. 4 poisons that kill relationships.

Hes a let down and your family dont like him because you are a decent woman who deserves better than all this.

But sometimes our emotional thinking keeps us there. Is it loneliness? Do you see this being able to change long term.

Why should he have all the money and you and the kids suffer. It makes no sense.

I’m an eternal optimist and would always hope things can change - when it’s good, kids are happy etc but it’s the way he can just take off - on the flimsiest excuse. He has a real issue that everything must be my fault - I don’t know if this is a trait of addiction?

I guess I just love him, love our family - don’t want my kids living between two homes etc

This!!!

Show him you don't need him.
Claim maintenance.

The annoying thing is that on a practical level - apart from one day of childcare a week (which I’ll need to find alternative means) I don’t need him. I do absolutely everything and have been paying for everything for eight months.

its the emotional side - I’m so strong in every other area of my life. Need a kick up the behind and a stern talking to sometimes - and to take my rose tinted specs off

Its ok to love him. We all deserve to be loved. They still have nicer parts. The problem is that you have to choose yourself when the bad is outweighing the good. What happens when hes eaten all the money and you cant replace your broken washer or you cant afford christmas. You cant ever book a weekend away and you cant ever treat yourself or your children.

Last year i was £900 overdrawn. I was working and all that did was clear my overdraft for a few days on payday. Then i was back in it. I couldnt even go to a cafe without cringing at spending a tenner on a meal because i was broke. I was broke because of him. I spent less on food shopping. I spent nothing on myself. He knew how hard it was. I had children and hed take money whilst i slept! I managed to get some money in december from a house i own with an ex. I now have some money and i have approx £2000 at all times in my account. He stole £700 out my house i had in cash gradually over a month. I noticed at £320 then it was down to £190. I had £5 in a glass in my cupboard last week. Thats gone.

I have changed my card number amd can no longer carry cash.

So please protect your money. Addicts only care about their needs. Theyd let their own children go without comfort or basics. They will take money youd spend on clothing to keep you warm and go snort it or spend it without a second thought for you.

Im the one at work 7am until 3pm to provide and hes sat in his flat wanting it all on a plate.

Oh @Sweeties1989 thats just heartbreaking - I recognise loads . Sending so much love.

my partner been off gambling for 18 months so he has money but my inheritance has always bothered him. I put it all away for my kids - this caused huge rows at the time - but also why he seems to think that it’s ok for me to pay all the bills. Just head spinning xx

OP I’ve been battling with similar for a long time. The gambling, the not taking responsibility for anything. As with you my DH did pretty much stop gambling but money is a constant source of tension and worry.
It’s soul destroying knowing that you can and already do everything without them, and you know that you’re not happy, yet it’s hard to make that final move.
I don’t have children with my DH (but we do have them from previous relationships) but I still find it difficult. It’s the hope that things can get better and constantly questioning whether I did enough to try.

Sending you strength 💐

he is generous and pays for things with kids when around but no child maintenance

So he is not generous, OP, quite the opposite. As for withholding money from his children because he wants a chunk of your inheritance— words fail me. What a parasite.

Healing takes time, but the sooner you put him out of your mind the sooner you will be happy again xx

To him you're simply a resource he can exploit. The reason he's angry about the inheritance is because he thinks he should have it all. He doesn't see you as a person with your own needs and wants.

Come on , you can do this, it's amazing having control of your own destiny.

Like my bf. He had hundreds of my money for fags and drugs. Kept asking for £30 here £20 there.

I spent £120 on 3 lovely comfy loungers for the garden and he made some comment thst they were £20 at aldi! Bascially saying id paid extorniate prices. Then he had the nerve to judge me for buying a samsung galaxy tablet for £180 putting £90 birthday money towards it aswel.

They care for themselves. I honestly think they sit there and think why should SHE have savings and im sat here with £0 and she wont even give me a tenner. They will spend £1000 in a week on drugs and gambling and fags and be judgey because youve bought yourself something nice.

They are selfish.

He’s pissed off because he couldn’t gamble it away.

Get rid of him.

He will steal that money if he can find a way. Trust me.

I got stuck with a gambling addict and he begged, borrowed and stole to get his fix. He was always chasing his last loss / win and lost thousands. He was only ever nice when he thought he could get something out of me. Sadly I realised too late and he nearly ruined me financially (thankfully I escaped just in time but it still took years to set everything right again). He’s ruined the next woman who fell for his sob story and is back living with his parents no doubt asking for his inheritance early.

Run.