Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was going to leave, now pregnant?

15 replies

Darkav · 18/04/2024 15:33

Hi all,

After so long of being with someone self centred who is a man child, doesn’t care for me or contribute much and has me doing everything I decided I was going to leave the relationship.

My partner who I have a almost 2 year old with pays half the rent however I pay the other half, all the bills, I work from home 9:00 - 17:30 whilst taking care of our toddler. I also do the chores, if the chores don’t get done for weeks no one does them (it’s as if he is blind) sometimes the dishes pile up and it’s because I don’t have enough hours in the day. I do the grocery shopping etc he just about throws the bins out and even still sometimes I have to as they pile up.

Because of this, I no longer am attracted to my partner so do not sleep with him. It is a sexless relationship. However in almost 2 months we had sex once by chance because he initiated it. I’d decided I was going to leave but I’ve just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant and it came off the back of that once.

I have no idea what to do or where to go with it, I still no longer want to be with him. Since finding out I’m pregnant not once has he given me a hug, not once has he asked if I am okay or how I’m feeling. I said 2 weeks ago to him I already think I’m a crap mum because of everything I do I don’t get to do enough with our son his response was “you’re doing alright”. We moved into a new place and 2 months in still sleeping on a mattress because he hasn’t built the bed, he also hasn’t arranged for the sofa to come from storage so sitting on the floor. I suffer from severe sciatica during pregnancy there are days I struggle to walk, get up and move and the pain of getting up off the mattress kills me especially since pregnancy the crouching and all sorts he never asks if I’m ok or anything he said I needed to clear the hallway for the sofa to come through I did this just over 2 weeks ago and nothing?

I’m so sick of him, he does not fulfill me not one but I am expected to do the household and raise the baby and provide yet all he does is pay half the rent and throw the bins out sometimes? Changed probably 1/2 nappies in the last 3 months.

My career is what keeps a roof over our head and keeps me and my son fed and clothed now I’m pregnant I’m so concerned about how it will be, I already feel so lonely 6 weeks into the pregnancy as he doesn’t show care towards me. Carrying his baby is no big deal to him it seems so casual like a whatever situation so care about what the woman goes through. My first pregnancy was horrid with him!! I didn’t want to get pregnant and had told him clearly and genuinely if I thought this one time out of my ovulation cycle I would get pregnant I would’ve taken the pill. However the thought of abortion scares me too as last year I got pregnant and he coerced me into aborting the baby I didn’t want to as it’s something I’m against so he began making accusations of it being someone else’s and that’s why I wanted to keep it that still up until today haunts me.

im someone who thought I was infertile as per the doctors advice for over 10 years this is not what I imagined my pregnancies to be like if I thought I ever would I really thought they would feel so special I obvs picked the wrong person and I completely understand it takes 2 and I should’ve been cautious but I really feel at a loss and no idea what to do, where to go with it and I just don’t know I feel like such a terrible person and I don’t even know why

OP posts:
Darkav · 18/04/2024 15:34

My job is so important to me and my son, I’m a manager earning 34k+ which keeps me and my son comfortable and the roof over our heads I’m so worried if I go on maternity the pay just won’t be enough and I’ll have to return to work but I then don’t have the support of anyone and no family. I’m all alone I just feel so scared

OP posts:
QueenBakingBee · 18/04/2024 15:40

oh OP this is a difficult one. May I ask, gently, is continuing with this new pregnancy the best for you and your existing child? I understand it's a difficult thing to consider. The way he has treated you is appalling, and if it was me, I'd want as few reasons as possible to be tied to him, including going through another pregnancy the way things are/how he is with you.

Mmmmdanone · 18/04/2024 15:41

It sounds as if he was no support anyway. As someone who stayed when I found I out was pregnant please finish it now. I stayed another 12 years and wish I hadn't. How much harder can it be?

Mmmmdanone · 18/04/2024 15:42

Also, do a benefits calculation online and see what you could get.

Darkav · 18/04/2024 16:43

That is my concern, I have really thought about abortion and even almost booked an appt but the thoughts of when he made me abort the previous baby go through my mind and then I look at my toddler and think me and him are so alone in this world maybe it would be nice for him to have a sibling however I’m afraid my love for my son might make me keep the baby but on the other hand I do not want further ties with this man and I’ve really thought about it and thought I genuinely can’t be tied down with 2 kids with this man and let it impact the quality of life I give to my little boy now but I feel so selfish.

I really don’t want to stay with him because of the pregnancy and am certain whether I choose to keep it or not I will not stay with him at all. I absolutely resent the man.

I have also tried the benefits calculator and I’m entitled to only 1300ish if I have 2 children and go on maternity leave however my rent alone is £975.

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 18/04/2024 21:01

OP this was my situation (well v similar). Unpleasant partner and pregnant after one solitary bonk. I continued with the pregnancy (first child was only 6 months when I got preg) and had a second DS.

I don't wish I'd made a different choice, as I have my 2 DSs. BUT I can imagine making the decision to have a termination and leaving with DS1 and having a happy life.

It has to be what is best for you. I spent a further 4 years with my abuser with the 2 DC.

I have reflected on how things would have been if I didn't get preg or if I had a termination.

I think, in truth, it would've been easier, I would've got free sooner, I would have had more success in my career.

It's so stigmatised talking about this stuff. Do think about what you will get from this man (not much?)

Whatever you decide is OK, it really is Flowers

category12 · 18/04/2024 21:13

It seems like not the right time or father for this pregnancy. I know it's tough but I think probably terminating and using this as the motivator to finally call it off with him, might be your best way forward.

Then you could have a fresh start.

"but on the other hand I do not want further ties with this man and I’ve really thought about it and thought I genuinely can’t be tied down with 2 kids with this man and let it impact the quality of life I give to my little boy now"

It's not selfish - you need to be practical.

Zebracat · 18/04/2024 21:38

So sorry. It sounds awful. Does he notice that you do everything? In your shoes I would seriously consider a termination.My Dd has 2 babies, a loving, involved partner and 4 times your income. And she still finds it hard. I really think you can do better on your own. Do you have support in your life?
Honestly why are there so many shit men about?

SunflowerTed · 18/04/2024 21:49

In the kindest way it probably isn’t a good idea to continue with this pregnancy. I would concentrate on leaving this lazy, uncaring shit and settling your son into a new place and concentrating on rebuilding.

Opentooffers · 19/04/2024 00:45

After 3 pregnancies, it's safe to say you are in no way infertile. In your situation I'd seriously consider abortion which would be via pill as early stages. If you wanted another DC in future, perhaps you could, with a better man. You and your current DC will have it tougher with another child at present. Would it be possible to move nearer family as you wfh so that you have some support? If your family are the type to and in a position to help, then it might be doable. It's safe to say you'll get no help from him as he does nothing now, so you will be going it alone.

Andthereyougo · 19/04/2024 09:03

Work out if and how you can work with a child and a baby on your own. If it is doable then continue the pregnancy . He sounds 100% unreliable so child support may not be consistent or sustained.
If you can’t manage emotionally and financially to work with two children, pay nursery fees etc… then consider seriously if continuing the pregnancy is the best option.
It’s a very sad decision to have to make. Wish you the best whatever you decide.

and definitely get rid of him.

WiseDog · 19/04/2024 09:10

You could have baby alone or try relationship counselling or other option is having a termination and cutting your ties but you might be depressed then x

Mumofoneandone · 19/04/2024 09:18

You had already made the decision to leave, so stick with that resolution. It will make you feel stronger.......I know time isn't on your side whilst deciding on an unexpected pregnancy but make contact with a midwife and talk things through with them. Don't know whether you can get emergency counselling to help you make a decision about the pregnancy - whichever decision you make will be really tough.
Good luck

TheSandgroper · 19/04/2024 09:22

All the reasons why you were going to leave him are still there. Every single one. And there are probably a few more if you look. I would probably carry on with those plans including planning for very little input at all from him.

Re this pregnancy, I can’t help. How much support do you have? And I believe you can punch the numbers to see what sort of government help you might get?

CurlewKate · 19/04/2024 09:44

You have choices about this pregnancy.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread