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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to seperate

5 replies

Rover83 · 18/04/2024 13:56

My husband has become really lazy since we've had kids, he spends all of his time on the sofa when he's not at work. I asked him to leave last year and he refused, we rent a 3 bed house. I think mainly because he doesn't have anywhere to go, neither of us have friends and he has no family. I don't really know where to go from here.

He looks after the kids alone while I'm working and hardly ever does anything with them. He also in generally cares quite poorly for them, he hardly ever cooks and often apparently gets them to make their own food or get cereals themselves (three children under 9yrs)

We stopped having sex as I can't bring myself to be intimate with someone who shows such little care and compassion. I've also suspected for a long time that he's been assaulting me in my sleep. He generally works nights during the week and I work nights at the weekend, so we dont often share a bed. It's hard to explain as I have no proof but I'm certain he's cut holes in my PJ bottoms and if we ever share a bed he attempts to be intimate with me whilst I'm asleep. I've called him out on it a few times and sometimes he'll deny it and say I've imagined it and other times he apologises. He is also quite financially irresponsible and takes money out of the joint account constantly even though he has money in his own account, often leaving me struggling to buy food for the kids.

How can I make him leave? I have no money so I really can't just take three kids under 9 somewhere.
How can I keep working? I'm pretty convinced if he leaves he won't be doing any childcare
I'm worried he could turn things petty, I've made some parenting decisions that I'm not proud of like smacking the kids, it doesn't happen often but it has happened.
I'm so tired of it all I really do just want the best for my kids and to have a peaceful life. I spend way too much of my time hoping something bad will happen to him to get us all out of this situation

OP posts:
BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 18/04/2024 14:00

Get your finances sorted, copies of all paperwork and tell him that you are divorcing him. Apply online. You don’t need his permission to do so.

do you have enough joint money to pay deposit on a rental for him?

Rover83 · 18/04/2024 14:08

No we've got no money at all, he spends it all or moves a lot of it into his own account. I suspect if he stopped wasting money on clothes, shoes and other rubbish he could afford a small flat or something. I've also got lots of debt from stuff we did before we had kids so saving money is really hard.

I'm not so worried about the actual divorce it's more making him leave but also making him look after his kids safely so I can keep working

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 18/04/2024 14:08

He's sexually assaulting you while you sleep, and while you don't need a reason to leave a man, this is a very good concrete indisputable one.

Get in touch with Womens' Aid they have a live chat service if you can't make a phonecall, and they will help you work out the best steps to get yourself into a better safer place with your children.

Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Women's Aid's live chat service lets women chat directly with a support worker

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/?_gl=1*1kbx009*_up*MQ..*_ga*Nzk5NDI5Mzg3LjE3MTM0NDU1NzI.*_ga_C8H9JGBD77*MTcxMzQ0NTU2OS4xLjAuMTcxMzQ0NTU2OS4wLjAuMA..

GrumpyPanda · 18/04/2024 14:15

Try to get him to admit to the sexual assaults/rapes in text form. Then police.

Open a separate account and get your salary paid into that. Talk to your bank about freezing the joint account. Get debt counseling.

Then take it from there.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2024 14:27

Reading this with my mouth open.

OK so...First, get down to the police station right now and report your rapist. Which is what he is. Take the clothing he's cut holes in as proof.

The police will remove him from the home.

Second, get your OWN bank account. Put your money in it and make sure your work pays into it.

Confide in any trusted friends and family what has been going on.

Speak to a solicitor about divorce.

Get the house on the market as you need to free up funds (though the divorce will help push the sale through if he gives you issues). You also need to be somewhere your rapist no longer has access too.

If you aren't ready to go to the police yet,make sure you baracade yourself in your room at night.

You could work whilst saving for a bit. Sell anything to raise some money. Just make sure everything goes to your account.

Tbh you really need to report this though.

Remeber once he's gone to claim cps ASAP too.

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