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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so confused about my relationship with DH

23 replies

tootoo · 31/03/2008 20:15

I'm so so confused about our relationship, sometimes I really really can't stand to be around him (that's most of the time).

We have a 20mo dd who I do everything for, he is not really a family man although our dd is the light of his life, he spends most days working, even weekends and if he is not working for someone else he will be working on our house. It's very rare we have any family time or outings together - in fact on Sunday we went to MFI all 3 of us and he thought that this was a day out!!!

He works really hard but is really old fashioned in that he doesnt do any housework or childcare but he really annoys me too. For instance I have been working late today and he was home before me, I called him to ask if he could pick our dd up from the childminders but he said no he was too busy so I've had to collect her, bath her and put her to bed. I've then tidied the house (he has moaned at me whilst doing this because he couldnt find the kitchen roll and told me not to kid myself that I'm a tidy person!!) Whilst I was tidying the house - most of it his mess by the way, he has started to cook himself some tea and make a cup of tea - both without asking me if I would like anything to eat or drink. Am I asking too much to be asked if I even want a cup of tea, let alone some food.

I've then asked if he has much work on this week (he's self-employed) and he as told me to stop prying!!

I havent shown it to him but I am so pissed off with him - this is only the tip of the iceberg by the way - there's loads more that goes on, he puts me down quite often but then about 10 minutes later he is absolutely fine with me as though nothing has been said. I am fed up with our relationship and don't know if I can or want to carry on.

Am I being pathetic and unreasonable - he is a good hardworking man but because of this he misses out on so much with our dd.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 31/03/2008 20:19

no YANBU, did you enter into the marriage to be his mother, his housekeeper of his wife

maybe time for a slight explosion chat to make him see he's being unreasonable

Original poster

tootoo · 31/03/2008 20:22

I've tried talking to him but he's so much hard work - he's very obstinate and stubborn and thinks I talk rubbish when I tell him how I feel and says I'm always moaning.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 31/03/2008 20:25

how about suggesting things to do at the weekend - family trips etc so he has to come up with some reason for not doing them

try leaving him lists of stuff that needs done around the house, my dh is hopeless unless its spelt out to him

next time he says something to put you down retort with something equally insulting to him - then ask him how he likes it

start telling him he has to take his turn bathing the wee one as he's been at work all day and it would be nice for her to have some 'dad' time

if all else fails throw a complete paddy and see if the shock tactic works

hecate · 31/03/2008 20:27

He sounds awful. What do you want? To leave? To get him to change? To change yourself?

stirlingmum · 31/03/2008 20:28

Maybe turn it round on him.
Ask him how he wuold feel if you had cooked yourself something to eat and made a cup of tea without asking him?
Would he see that as ok?
I am afraid that I would stop doing things for him unless he seriously took on board your issues.
You need to make him see how serious this is for you.

LEMONADEGIRL · 31/03/2008 20:31

He does sound a bit unreasonable -if you think the relationship is worth something I would try and talk to him. Keeping things bottled up only causes resentement and will make you feel worse

BEAUTlFUL · 31/03/2008 20:48

at his not even asking you if you'd like a cup of tea! Farkface.

Make a vow to seem incredibly, serenely happy for the next 2 weeks. This will wrongfoot him. He is expecting moaning - do not deliver. He is prepared for moaning. He already has his counter-arguments all lined up like soldiers in the barracks. Don't give him the chance to release those bad boys.

Don't moan about not having family days. It won't make him want to spend time with you. Instead, plan fun things to do for the next 2 weekends with other people. Don't invite him. It'll only make him feel guilty and burdened if you invite him, so simply don't. Don't bother about getting back in time to make him dinner either. he's proved he's self-sufficient, hasn't he? Brilliant! Now you can stay out later and take your dd out for dinner too, guilt-free.

Give him exactly what he seems to want -- all the time and space in the world to do his own thing, work, DIY, cook his own tea, boil his own lonely selfish kettle, etc. Then he'll realise he doesn't want that. What he really wants is the luxury and security of having you moaning at him to spend more time with you, which boosts his confidence and makes him back off, because he can. Like a little kid, who keeps running off to see if you'll chase him. Now you have to walk off in the opposite direction for a bit. Not moodily, but like you're perfectly happy with this.

And really, you could talk yourself into being happy with this. At the moment he is being a twunt. Do we beg twunts to spend more time with us? Nooo. We are relieved that twunts have their own stuff to do, cos it gives us a chance to hang out with other, lovelier people.

This, of course, makes twunts forget all about MFI and want to be with us all the time. At which point you can decide if you want to.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 20:52

Pack a bag and stay someone else for the night. You have tried talking and it aint workin. Actions speak louder than words. You deserve to be happy.

littlewoman · 01/04/2008 02:25

No YANBU. If somebody makes a cup of tea without making their partner one, it is a very bad sign that they are pullng apart and not together (according to some programme I once watched on married couples). And even if it isn't, is it too much to expect??? Poor you.

Mumcentreplus · 01/04/2008 03:14

He sounds like a bit of a wanker tbh...talk to him and I mean TALK...not when you are both angry...but when you are calm...tell him how he makes you feel...

littlewoman · 01/04/2008 03:24

Beautiful, I like your style

Tickle · 01/04/2008 05:57

Fantastic post, Beautiful

We should all print it out and keep it tucked away somewhere, for when our DHs are being a bit twuntish

Tootoo - follow Beautiful's advice to the letter

MyChemicalToilet · 01/04/2008 09:50

Beautiful

dragonstitcher · 01/04/2008 13:18

You might not think it, but this is domestic abuse. I've had my eyes opened recently, learning all about different kinds of DA. It isn't all overt physical abuse, swearing and name calling. Just as damaging is the covert, manipulating, controling, headworking, possessing abuse. The Dominator.

The dominator wants control. He wants everyone in his world to revolve around him. It's all about him. Even if he does something nice for you, he has an ulterior motive. His wife is his servant, his children are his trophies. He is the King of the castle and women are second class inferior beings.

Please contact Womens Aid. Even if you want to stay with him. This is the group I have been attending if you are interested - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Lovesdogsandcats · 01/04/2008 13:58

Beautiful, bloody brilliant advice.

Miggsie · 01/04/2008 14:09

Beautiful: fantastic stuff..but will it change him long term?
What if he really does just want to sit on his arse and not be "bothered" by a family except in a detached "I have one somewhere" sense.

Dragonstitcher: I agree on this personality type big time. My mum's friends was married to one just like that did NOTHING round the house and barely noticed his two daughters. Marriage fell apart after he had an affair and his adult children now do not speak to him at all. Very sad.

TooToo: this may sound harsh, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who gives very very little but takes a lot?
How will he react when your DD challenges him on anything, (as children do, without even knowing most of the time)????

BEAUTlFUL · 02/04/2008 23:24

where has tootoo gone? has she stabbed her dh with one of his tools and buried him under the MFI car park?

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 23:54

Excellent advice, Dragonstitcher. See my xh in The Dominator.

Beautiful, I do hope she hasn't cos I wanted to hear the story after Tootoo followed your advice

moondog · 02/04/2008 23:58

Very good advice Beautiful.
Exactly what i would recommend as a behaviourist.
Really spot on.

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 02:01

I don't know what a behaviourist is, Moondog, but it sounds very together and sorted. Why can't I be that woman? Where did you learn it? Is it psychology degree related? Oh....I seem to have run out of questions . Very jealous of your ability to think rationally in a crisis.

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 02:04

Do you know, that's what I love about this site ... we all trammel along, following the same old course of action for the same old problems and don't seem to resolve things at all. Then somebody pops up who thinks totally differently to you, and it's like a whole new world has been opened to you. Your problem often has a simple solution when viewed from another angle.

hotchocscot · 03/04/2008 02:45

tootoo, i agree with beautiful's advice totally. let us know how you get on. Slightly off the point but one of the best things i did was when dh was taking advantage of me and being very selfish, i buggered off for a day and a half to see old friends in another town (on pretext of BF crisis) leaving him to care for 10 month old ds on his tod. Came back to a rather humbled and very tired dh.

hotchocscot · 03/04/2008 02:48

oh, and how can dd be "light of his life" if he never spends time with her? is it in a "trophy" way as mentioned above, which would set my alarm bells ringing? or does he think he needs to be amazing breadwinning provider for his wee angel but doesn't realise what she really needs is to have time with her daddy?

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