Am a bit fed up with my friend. She asked me whats wrong. I of course, said 'Nothing'

[Maidamess]

Why? My friend ....is a bit bossy and demanding but can be funny, entertaining and a good ear for a problem.

However, she has this habit, and always has done of 'holding court', ie demanding that we all travel from far and wide for a night out with her.

When you get there there are soo many people invited you don't really get to see or talk to her, it costs an arm and a leg at the restaurant or wherever, and you feel right proper fed up.

There is never any gratitude for how far you've travelled or how much of a faff its been to get your dh home from work early to have the children etc etc. its like she expects it.

Anyhoo, I've just decided to cancel the 'engagement ' we were due to go to to see her this week...and she phoned up and asked me if she had upset me in some way.

Why didn't I say what I've just blathered on to you lot about? Am I a crap friend?

no I think you're trying to spare her feelings at the expense of yours.

just explain how you feel, if its easier put it in an email or letter

i dont think you are a crap friend...why c ant she visit you for a change????

no, you just don't like confrontation...

but i do think it's worthwhile addressing the issue. i'm sure you're not the only one. how about an email instead?

Just tell her that although you enjoy your nights out sometimes you haven't got the energy required and this is such an time. Although if she wants to come to you for a bottle of wine and a chat she is very welcome.
Friendship is give and take, like all human relationships.

Thanks for your advice so far...I wish I had had 'the conversation' with her years ago when she started demanding my presence at things.

Its almost as if thats how she judges how loyal a friend you are. What complicated things is that she lives abroad and doesn't visit the UK very often, so its go go go when she gets back.

We drove a 3 1/2 hour round trip to visit her yesterday...with 3 kids and a grumpy dh. Rather than being a friend, I think I'm a mug!!

ph god I have an aunt like that, after her visits we all have to breath out and rest for a week

Its exhausting isn't it?

I was dreading yesterday, i feel awful saying that as she isn't a monster, but just a bit OTT. Now I have cancelled the evening do I feel SOOO much better.

yes completely. I don't mind as I'll maybe take the kids down once but when my mum, who is seriously ill with cancer, knackers herself trying to keep up for the week that annoys me

well done you for finally saying no, its not easy is it

ah - well if she lives abroad it's possible that if she didn't see her friends all at once she wouldn't see you at all. time shortage and all that? still, not very accommodating of her...

Have you thought that maybe she feels resentment about it always having to be her that organises a big night out for everybody and/or she is worried that if she doesn't invite everybody they will be offended with her?

I only ask because I've been in that situation of living a long way away from a group of friends and feeling obliged to invite everyone for a night out when I am in the area even if I would prefer to go out in a smaller group. I always assume that people won't come if its too much trouble, or will suggest something else if they would rather. I know that there are some people who would feel left out if I didn't invite them everytime I was arranging to meet up with friends in the area.

It's sad to think they might be brooding resentfully over 'having' to meet me rather than simply telling me they would rather not meet in a large group.

I'm not having a go at you, just pointing out that your friend may see things very differently from you. And how is she supposed to know that it pisses you off if you don't tell her?

does she have kids? often people without them just dont realise. or they think it gives you a break to go to them instead of being at yours. have you tried organising something near you and inviting her? maybe she organises things because she wants to see you but thinks it would be rude to invite herself to yours. you could also try going on your own, without grumpy dh or kids! am sure that would be much more fun

if you dont want to go just rin up and tell her the truth - its too difficult with the kids. she doesnt sound particularly awful (neither do you btw!) and if i were in her shoes i would rather know so i could do something about it

millie I can see your point totally...its just that when she does organise these get togethers, be it a small or large group , she really makes little effort to converse and just sort of sits back and lets us entertain her like we've been summoned as court jesters! There is little or no appreciation for the efforts everyone has gone to to get there.

And yes she does have kids, 2. And does not flinch from using them as a reason not to do something on someone elses terms!

I think this all boils down to the fact I'm stubborn and hate being bossed about and unappreciated!