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Original poster

Is there such a thing as waiting too long before starting a family?

23 replies

Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 18:33

Hi,

I have been married three years and with my DH for 8 years in total. Do you think there is such a thing as waiting too long before having kids? Lots of the couples around us - many who've been together much less time - have kids, or are expecting a baby. I am very broody, hence being on MN, but we haven't taken the step to try yet.

Do you think getting too comfortable as a couple can be bad thing? When is the ideal time in a relationship to become parents?

OP posts:
No1ErmaBombeckfan · 31/03/2008 18:35

When you both want it .. no such thing as an ideal time or waiting too long...

This is assuming that you and DH are in agreement that you want children ...

CountessDracula · 31/03/2008 18:36

No - dh and I were together 12 years before dd came along! (we did try for 3 years though)

MrsMattie · 31/03/2008 18:36

Hi Cosmogirl.

I don't think there is an ideal time to have children, so to answer your question, no, I don't believe you have 'waited too long'. People come to this decision in their own time and their own ways. New parenthood almost always shocks, disrupts and completely transforms most people's lives (and relationships), no matter when you choose to do it!

Have you and your husband discussed this? I'm presuming you both want children?

madamez · 31/03/2008 18:37

When you both want to (or when an unplanned pregnancy occurs and you both think, wow, Ok, we will deal with this). You say that you are broody, how does your DH feel? Because if you have no kids so far due to his reluctance to have any, be sure that he is at least ready enough to try parenthood.
It is possible that he doesn't want children at all - not everyone does. You probably need to have a talk with him and listen to what he says. And if he says he doesn't want children yet/ever then you need to think about whether you value your relationship with him above the possibility of becoming a mum, or whether you want to leave and look for a partner who wants a family (neither of these mindsets is bad or wrong by the way). But pressuring someone into parenthood when that person has no desire for parenthood is a very bad move. the other person will not 'just come round to the idea'. Why should he/she?

artichokes · 31/03/2008 18:39

There is obviously a point where biologically you have waited too long. For each couple this point differs but fertility declines rapidly from 35. However, in terms of your relationship I think it is totally idiosyncratic and the point at which it is right for you and your DP may be very different from your friends.

Original poster
Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 18:40

Yes we both want a family. DH is very laid back though and it would be me who would drive the decision I think. Guess I just want us to both go 'let's do it' at the same moment in time. How do people decide - is it normally the woman? I have too many questions today! Probably overthinking the issue as I usually do

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 31/03/2008 18:53

There are pros and cons each way. We waited a long time and we don't have any regrets because we felt that we had a good run at the whole "having money, freedom and time for each other" thing. On the other hand, some people find it harder because they are set into the money/freedom/time routine and the change comes as a bit of a shock.
As someone who had major fertility problems, I would suggest that the best time to have a family is as soon as you know you want one. What clinched it for us was a pregnancy scare (that obviously turned out to be nothing, hence the fertility treatment). It really shocked us that we had gone from "negative, what a relief!" to feeling really quite flat about it.

Original poster
Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 18:58

That is interesting MrsTittleMouse. I suppose it is just such a big decision that I want to be totally sure it is the right time. But like you say, if we have problems conceiving we will probably wish we had started trying earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 18:59

I do feel like we have had a lot of time just the two of us as a couple. Now at that stage where I almost feel as if someone is missing from the family IYSWIM.

OP posts:
warthog · 31/03/2008 19:03

i htink you have to give serious thought to the biological clock thing. it would be devastating if you knew you wanted a family, but waited too long and then couldn't conceive. i know 2 couples this has happened to.

i got pg the month of our wedding although was hoping for quite a lot longer as just the two of us. i don't regret it for a second. we are a very happy family, and there will be plenty of time later on when there are just the two of us.

justaboutasleep · 31/03/2008 19:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaeWest · 31/03/2008 19:06

Cosmogirl - my DH had the same attitude towards children, they were definitely in the 'future' category. We had been together for 10 years (married 5) when we started trying.

I did have to initiate the conversation with DH, was a bit stressful at the time (and wasn't just one conversation either) to move us having children from something that we might do at some point, to something that was potentially happening quite soon. I think DH felt that we were still young (I was late 20s) and plenty of time etc. I was v up front with him and just said that I wanted to come off the pill. Him being him it took a month or so before it sank in and he felt comfortable with it. I got pregnant after about 6 months and he was so excited when I did the test. He is a wonderful father and is running around upstairs with a noisy toddler as I type.

I think if you're getting broody you need to talk to DH about what that means, even if it means agreeing to wait for a set amount of time, at least you are setting things in motion.

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 19:08

Was with DH for 9 year before DD, although not married until after she was born.

I was glad we waited, gave us a chance to do things together as a couple that we cant now do so easily with a LO, restuarants, nights out to the pub/club, weekends away just us, sleeping in all weekend. We had plenty of time for this, so when DD came along we were happy to change our lifestyle, more dinner parties in, different holidays, weekends away in family friendly places, much less time in pubs, hardly ever go to clubs!

We still see our friends, some have children, some dont, some are expecting now. although our friendship circle changed, in that we are still friends with all those we were before, but we are closer to some and less close to others now we are parents.

I guess its individual though as I do know a couple who chose not to have children as they felt they had left it so long they did feel they could adapt positively to the change/give up their lifestyle.

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 19:13

We never started trying. We decided we would have children in a couple of years. Fell pregnant by accident, realised it was the most perfect time. Absolutely no regrets, and might have just kept putting it off !

Original poster
Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 19:14

Thanks - really helpful to hear how others have come to the decision. We are late twenties, so time is, by rights, still on our side. But still, when you feel broody I don't think it matters whether you're old or young - those hormones are powerful things!

OP posts:
MaeWest · 31/03/2008 19:16

Definitely Cosmo - the rational part of me was worrying about what would happen to my career, my social life, sleep etc, but those pesky hormones are powerful .

cmotdibbler · 31/03/2008 19:53

We had been together for 11 years before we had DS - 9 years before we started trying. We'd decided early on that we wouldn't even talk about the subject before we were 30, and then decided what we needed in place before we could try (car, enough income to deal with childcare etc), then did.

Other friends got married and had kids soon after - but we did all our going out and stuff, so don't miss it at all.

Just talk to your DH, and work out a plan.

StrangeTown · 31/03/2008 20:05

I have just had a baby.
I have never been happier.
I can't believe DH and I nearly didn't do it (become parents I mean).
DH wouldn't have driven things it was one of those things that we both talked about as maybe happening some time...you know.
I had 2 m/c before DS and that really made both of us realise how much we wanted to be parents.
We were together for 13 years before we had him. Sorry to gush, PFB and all that...

FioFio · 31/03/2008 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeMyLilBaby · 31/03/2008 20:09

hey cosmo!!

im witht he consensus on this one no right or wrong time, but i wld say on balance that one can always think of reasons not too, because you dont get the biggest reason too til after you've done it IYSWIM... xx

Fizzylemonade · 31/03/2008 20:22

It was decided for me, I sudenly became unwell and after investgation I was diagnosed with medical condition which meant I could have had fertility problems. I was in my late 20's, I was put on lots of medication and after surgery I was told to have a baby now or risk needing IVF.

I had been with my husband for 6 years and I was lucky that I got pregnant very quickly. We do have some regrets about the freedom we had and didn't appreciate.

However, we have no regrets about our 2 sons now aged almost 5 and almost 2.

Even when the pregnancy is planned when you pee on that stick and it comes up positive you still say "oh my God what have we done!!!!!"

At the end of the day, it does depend on the individual. I totally agree with Pavlovthecat re lifestle change.

Original poster
Cosmogirl · 31/03/2008 22:00

Thanks everyone [hi BB!]

I suppose it is mainly 'fear of the unknown' which is holding us back. We will just have to bite the bullet and go for it . I think I have just been surprised at how strong and powerful the desire to have a baby is...The feelings started the middle of last year and have just got more overbearing...

OP posts:
Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 22:37

I think then Cosmogirl, that you have started the ball rolling already. You say you both want children, you now feel ready, so you need to tell your DH you are ready and see what he says. Suggest coming on contraception, a good, direct starting point.

good luck, its great.

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