when & how to introduce the children & how much to expect?

[Dixie]

I'll try & keep this brief but you all know how i ramble on.......

ok wih all my personal upheaval of recent months I have some how along the way managed to get involved with a new man!!! It is very early days but he is a very lovely guy & we get on extremely well...he is fully aware of all my personal trauma of recent & is very very supportive & understanding. He knows all about my two children & is fine about the situation he is getting himself into, so......

when should i introduce the children to him & how should i go about it?

Personally i think a little trip out somewhere a few times before he sees them at home as it's their territory but then i thought it may be easier for them to meet him in familar surroundings...so not sure? for info to anyone who doesn't know...one of my two ds's is 2years & the other is 5 months old. The relationship with my new man has only been going for just over a month...is this too soon?

Finally if/when we do meet with the children how much of a part should I expect the new man in my life to play..I don't want a subsitute father but if i'm busy with toddler & baby starts to cry should I allow or even expect him to pick him up & soothe him? etc things like that..I wouldn't expect him to change nappies or anything but then he is a dad himself & been through it so if he offers should I allow him to?

He truly is a lovely guy but I'm also wary I don't know him fully...I think I read too many horror news stories...as I'm very wary of him wanting to suddenly change the baby or toddlers nappy incase he is secretly a pervert prying on a single mother so he can get close to their private bits...gawd that sounds horrid doesn't it but I can't help it popping into my head?

So...views please ladies???

Never been in your situation Dixie so others can proably advise about when and where better. I think as far as soothing the baby/playing with the toddler goes I would follow his lead. If he seems willing to help in this respect let him. There is no need to let him change nappies - a dirty nappy can wait 5 minutes until you are available to do it yourself. TBH no man except my DH has ever changed DS's nappy - but thats not down to me but rather the prehistoric males in my/DH's families so I'm not convinced he'd offer to do that.

I think the issue of where your kids meet him only really applies to the 2 year old.

They are so young that I would just keep it very light & casual - he's just another of your friends and today you are going to the park and the cafe together. It doesn't matter about the baby - it won't mean anything to them. With the other one, they won't think of it as boyfriend/girlfriend stuff unless you say so, so I would just introduce your friend as a friend, and no more. Let him push them on the swings and help out as any good female friend would. Be as relaxed as possible, keep it straightforward and behave just as you would to your ds if you were on your own. However, you don't sound very sure of your new man at all, so I might be inclined to wait a bit. You won't cause your children any harm whatsoever if they meet him, but if you split up your older child might ask about him if they have met often and that might be a bit upsetting. BTW I think it is most unlikely he is a paedophile.

Dixie - have been in a similar situation recently. Met a bloke and had all the same angst about when to introduce him. He was completely fine about the idea, it was me who was worried - worried about my daughter becoming very attached etc. And yes, those horrid thoughts had popped into my head as well.

He finally met her after about a month or two, can't quite remember when. But mainly because she knew I had a boyfriend and was feeling left out. I think she was beginning to feel I was excluding her deliberately. So the timing just evolved naturally.

As expected, she is completely smitten with him and treats him like a human climbing frame etc. and he is fantastic with her. It's all very natural. In fact, I've just remembered how she met him - she knew that he came to stay and, being completely useless about the situation, we used to end up sleeping on the settee cos she comes into my bed in the morning! I know, really teenage. Anyway, we heard sounds in the dining room one morning and she had sneaked down and was listening in to us and then peekd when he was saying and kissing goodbye at the door!! So from then on, she had met him.

Ideally, I would have gone to the park with him and then brouht him back for a drink or soemthing. But kept it short at first. But my initial worries seemed to fade very rapidly and now she completely takes him for granted.

I'd just be guided by your own feelings really and I'm glad to hear things are working out well for you

I agree with what's been said already. Take your lead from him as to how much he does with the kids, and introduce slowly as just a friend. And good luck, try not to worry

Don't agree with Aloha about you not seeming too sure, I have those sorts of feelings about any man who comes into contact with my kids. It's only natural

Hi Dixie, I remember ds meeting dp for the first time. We went for a walk since I thought somewhere outdoors would be good for running off ds' energy. I still remember though that I really wanted ds to be well behaved for new dp so they would like each other. Dp didn't have kids though and your new man does so that's a bonus in that the whole child thing won't be an utter shock. Agree with everyone who said take it slowly and don't expect him to do anything other than join in with whatever you're doing anyway. Also agree with introducing him as a friend, that's what I did too until I was sure it was serious. I hope you have a lovely day. And you're right to be slightly wary until you know this man better. Good luck though!