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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i know its common but i would like to have a moan about my DH please.

28 replies

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 11:51

Its long and its mainly to get it out of my system, nothing like a good ol' moan to make a gal feel better.

Got back from US on thursday afternoon. millions of people descended upon us, which although hectic was actually quite nice. Made a mess though (in fact 8 people came over over the afternoon).

Friday, DH and I decide that rather than just unpack and stuff things back in drawers, we would have spring clean and clear out loads of stuff, hallway was becoming a dumping ground and was bedroom, and a good time as any to start it before we go back to work this week. I was due back today, DH on Wednesday.

So Friday - DH unpacks one bag, slowly, one peice at a time, takes about 1 hour, gets bored, pops his head in and out of front room on computer, then goes round to see a friend who has bought a new flat. I continue unpacking the other two suitcases, plus put back all the clothes we took out, bagged up clothes we were recycling, cleared out rubbish, reorganised cupboards etc etc, did not quite finish clearing sides as DH then comes in, having conversation with a friend who was going to pop over for a cup of tea saying 'no its not inconvenient, I am making plenty of spagetti, we really want to see you' Comes off the phone and asks why I am looking annoyed. I had wanted the evening just us, after one month away from our home. But its done so I go with it and we have a nice evning. After I hoover the hallway, tidy the kitchen as best I can, clear up some of DDs toys. DH cooks a great meal. Dishwasher has leaked so washing up is left until the morning.

Saturday - I feel awful, start of a bug he already had. No lie in though. So, I finish the bedroom clear of al clutter, looks all fresh and spangly, incense on, fluffed scatter cushion, a picture. Start on the hallway, after going out for breakfast. DH breaks up some carboard boxes that need chucking, decides two side cabinets could go to a friend, so he called agreed to take them over. I persuade him to take DD with him, he says he will be a couple of hours or so?!!! To take two effing drawers a 5 minute drive away?!!! Whilst he is out, I put things in the loft, clear the hallyway, dust, add some things on to freecycle to get rid of, hoover, tidy up DDs bedroom, cleared out coat cupboard. DH comes back with DD, I fix dishwasher, clean kitchen, Dh watches footie or something on tv 'looking after dd' we both clean out two drawers of the kitchen (spring clean like I said) and he cooks dinner - left over spaghetti.

So, Sunday. I had asked for a lie in and the grumpy bugger stayed in bed whilst I sorted out DDs breakfast, unpacked dishwasher, repacked, washed the floor, cleaned bathroom including floor. Dh gets up at 10am which is actually 11am, and a friend comes over to visit for a cuppa. DH cooks breakfast/lunch. I clear the garden of junk, do two runs to the tip, including packing the car, and sweep the floor. DH has a bath with DD and then goes shopping for tea, leaves DD asleep here.

DH gives the living room a quick tidy which involves stacking some paperwork and removing ups. I finish it by dusting vacuuming and hoovering, and generally making it look more pretty. Some more friends come over, stay for a few hours, DH cooks a great curry, which created a mess but was lovely.

So, I have pretty much cleaned the entire house, I had no issues doing it, although it sounds like I do, I do it better than he does, he hates it, I dont mind it.

However, here is my moan.
\I woke up this morning due to start work at 8am, to find the alarm was still set in US time, so it was 9:30am and the alarm had not gone off. I had been up twice in the night with DD, DH was snoring, and I felt awful, horrid cough, blocked nose, swollen glands. I ahd not yet said to Dh I was not going to work as he got up and put kettle on. Phone rang, friend wanting him to help move. DH says he cant as he had DD all day, friend says another friend with a child will sit until 12:30pm. I tell DH I am not going to work as I am feeling awful, I end up with DD, even though I asked for friend to look after her until 12:30pm as agreed, and I felt like I was being unreasonable expecting that!!!
Milk has been left out in the kitchen, tea from last night left, beer can on kitchen table, clothes over his side of the floor, bins not taken out for binmen, and he upted and bloody left on command of his friend, no idea when he would be coming back!!!

DD is being a pickle, a lovely pickle, but nevertheless a pickle, and I am furious and now feel annoyed that he helped so little over the weekend or even acknowledged how hard I worked. Should have gone into work today then he would have had to sort it himself!

I said it was long! I am

OP posts:
Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 12:05

ok, ok i know its too long.

How about if I just say I am annoyed with my husband for being a lazy inconsiderate arse?

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 31/03/2008 12:11

You have my sympathy/empathy. If he is anything like my DH, he would paint that weekend as him having done at least his share because he cooked .

Can you persuade DD of the virtues of a sofa/duvet/TV orientated day?

Kindersurprise · 31/03/2008 12:13

Do you really want my opinion?

You are being a mug, running about doing all the work.

He is an lazy arse for letting you but you need to put a foot down.

I hate cleaning and DH does not mind, but I still would not leave him to do all of the work.

He sounds like a little boy getting his mum to clean up his room for him.

Kindersurprise · 31/03/2008 12:15

Sorry if that was a bit harsh.

You just reminded me of my friend and I am pissed off at her and her stupid DH.

He is Mr Sociable, oh, yes lets have all the friends around. And she does all the work. Even now when she is pregnant with DD2 and taking care of a 3yo. Even when she is having early contractions (at 20 weeks)

EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 12:22

Hmm, this sounds familiar

I think there are 2 issues here (from experience)

  1. Who does what and how - you are doing more, but I bet if you asked your DH he would say he was doing stuff as well it's just that you don;t notice. If the balance of chores annoys you, get together and work out who does what. And don't expect your DH to do things the same way as you (DH is a potterer, I am more of a blitzer).
  1. How you feel about what you are doing - you say you don't feel appreciated and would like to be at least thanked for doing all the work. Now, I get this as well but I really think it's an expectations issue. I do stuff and expect DH to go 'Wow! She cleaned the kitchen, so I don't have to, it looks great, I should thank her'. DH actually goes 'Do I need to wash up to find a clean cup? No? Good.' If you want to be thanked for the stuff you do I think you actually have to ask (and be prepared to thank your DH for the stuff he does too)
Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 13:48

He just phoned, will be 3-4 hours. PAH!

kindersurprise - not harsh. he has this way, wh ere if I complain he well says what Effie said he probably would! He also says, it does not need to be done all at once. He prefers piecemeal where he will do a bit, then do it another day by which time its back where it started and he then just cant be assed. Its not that he gets grumpy with me if its not done by me, its just that if its not done, it doesnt get done.

I dont really expect thanks. he does tho!! i just would prefer that he did not go running of to lug stuff for hours for a friend who does nothing for us, when I have asked him to get rid of stuff in our yard for months and then eevntually do it myself, with him stropping because I just want to do all of it, not leave half until next weekend (or month!).

Or for him not to leave a dirty nappy in the hallway that I just cleaned, or his dirty laundry around the bedroom I spentalmost two days cleaning.

Dont get me wrong. He does do stuff, he cleans the cat litter, admittedly I have to remind him, but he does it. He mostly takes the rubbish out, but not always before it starts stinking, he sometimes changes DD (she is 21 months), he cooks and will do shopping as long as it is not a proper shop, only for that days dinner. he is also a great dad, takes her to music club, likes cuddles and plays with her a lot so when I get fed up with the cleaning and lazy stuff from him I remind myself of that.

If I try to discuss it, it ends in a row, with him saying, I will hoover up, but you do it first, doesnt get that I dont want it done every two weeks, or when he can be bothered or so filthy he cant cope.

I have tried to go on strike. It ends with the house in chaos, filthy, and then I have to work harder, with him in a mood cos I am stubborn!!!

I am most likely just annoyed cos I am feeling poorly, DD is watching hi:5.

OP posts:
Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 13:54

stuff in our garden? christmas tree, slowly rotting. Sofa since January! plus a pile of wood from cupboards we ripped out in November las year. I got so fed up I did it. DH thinks because I did it, I wanted to, so did not offer to help!!!

I guess its different standards. I would love our place to look great, and not too messy (given we have a child, some mess is inevitable), and if both of us clean, it will stay that way. If he wont do it, I should just try to accept that it will always be clean, but not always tidy, and the washing wont ever be kept on top of! Not until I can afford a cleaner

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 13:59

The thing is, if you do have different standards (as DH and I do), you have to compromise. The piecemeal/delaying stuff is very familiar! But I cam e to the conclusion that I preferred having a fairly harmonious home life to a spotless kitchen or scrupulously divided chores. I don't feel guilty about asking him to do stuff though! The differece is I no longer expect it to be done in my way, to my timetable (i.e. NOW). Maybe you should just pick your battles? Re the back yard, talk to him and pick a date for it to be cleared so you can do X (make something up, develop a yearning for tubs or hanging baskets or something).

Walnutshell · 31/03/2008 14:02

Pavlov, that was a pretty short list of things that your dh does do you provided there...

How you got past the 4th paragraph in your OP without demanding some equality I do not know!

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 14:14

I demand equality all the time Walnut. I am not passive wife who does what she is told. I have no problem with saying what is on my mind, and I can probably get grumpy ae datbout things that are unnecessary, like peanut butter not being put away. its not the peanut butter being put away, its all the other things when I am annoyed. The funny thing is, in my job, I work with people to change their behaviour, in order to make positive changes (criminals) using cognitive behavioural therapy. Funny thing is, cant even go there at home, told not to use psychobabble on him! Even if it is me trying to use some of things that in theory work, for myself, he sees it immediately! Its only ever in jest mind, but still funny that what I can teach other people, cant apply at home.

He does cook most days though. I hardly ever cook, mainly as I dont cook as well as him, cant be bothered!
I agree Effie - i think I am going to give some slack. Funny, he always says that expression about picking the right battles!

The yard! He gave me dates...saturday. Next Saturday. I will go to the tip tomorrow. Tomorrow. The X is that I have plants that need potting, would like to get t the washing line to hang washing up, and we have a 21 month desperate to go out there... !

Oh, I would so love a home without stuff all over the floor and sides...next time

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 31/03/2008 14:15

Sounds a bit like my DH!

This weekend just gone (only one in 6 we have to ourselves) he:

  1. Went out Friday night with the lads
2 Invited friends over Saturday for a bike ride and invited friends to stay...
  1. Sunday organised a gig with his band.......

I cleaned the house, did all the jobs etc)

And, when he got back on Sunday from the gig he said: I had to fill the car up with petrol again....... like somehow that was a big job!!!

to be fair, it depends how much it bothers you.... For me, I HATE when DH starts cleaning.... And god forbid he gets the hoover out!!

But, if it does bother you, then you have to put your foot down.... If you need a lie in, then lie in.... I bet your DH didn't ask you if it was OK!!

EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 14:15

Could you pay someone to clear the stuff away? How much would it cost for a bloke and a van?

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 14:20

effie - apart from the sofa, i cleared the entire garden yesterday, nd felt quite good about it.

I would not be moaning if I was not poorly. Or if DH did not just bugger off, when I should have been at work, but am off ill and when he had arranged for someone to look after DD anyway, then left a trail of crap all over the house I spent the last 4 days cleaning! If he had stayed at home, or taken DD, or just cleaned after himself, I would probably have just gone to sleep and got over it.

FWIW - DD is just amazing. Even when she is putting a cable in her mouth and I grab it off her and she says NO! She comes over to me pushes her head under my arm and squeazes herself onto my lap wth strong arms around me, babbling and copying words. She is great. Makes me feel so much better

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 14:22

So did you cancel your childcare because you were at home? I would have shunted DS off and gone back to bed

Youcannotbeserious · 31/03/2008 14:25

Pavlov....

When I want to make a point to my DH, I clean ALL the house EXCEPT his mess.

This way, he can't generalise and say 'oh, you've been in all day and the house is a mess'........ Make sure the only mess is HIS mess!

It works a treat for me (but to be fair, DH is VERY clean and tidy and it's usually me, DSDs and the dog making the mess!)

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 14:29

a friend of ours has a boy similar age to DD, DH told friend who is moving that he cant help him as he has DD, friend called other friend, then phoned DH back to say that said friend would love after DD until 12:30pm, so he could helphim move!

When I told DH I was not going to work, but could he take DD to friends house until 12:30pm anyway, he said really quite angrily whats the point in that for gods sake, it means I got to get her dressed, take her there, and you are not at work, you are here!!! I explained that if I had been at work he would have had to do this, and he said 'so?' I hate it when he says that!!!!

So, instead of him helping until 12:30pm, or even taking DD to friends until 12:30pm and I get her then after a sleep, I am looking after dd until 5pm or so!!! Luckily i am feeling a lot better and taking advantage of time with DD. And enjoying a good moan about my DH!!! .
DD is a very active baby, not easily lulled into bed with tv, although did give me half hour.

She has done 'washing up' with me while I tidied the kitchen and we have sat and done puzzles. the rest can wait.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 14:30

Right, next time your DH is ill leave him with the baby! Grrrrr.

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 14:32

youcantbeserious
Most of the mess is his, so that would make light work! Apart from DD, which is easy to clean up.

And to be a little bit fair on him, he does not complain that I have not tidied if I dont. he does not expect me to do it, just does not think it needs doing itself if I dont. IYSWIM, so it wont get done, until he states one day, thi place is such a mess we must clear this up, its doing my head in. Thus becomes our problem and he will do enough to look busy!

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 31/03/2008 14:42

If it's all his mess, then I'd tell him HE needs to clean it......

the one thing DH isn't great at sorting is stuff to do with his hobby, so I got a chest of drawers and I put EVERYTHING in there. (sometimes the drawers hardly shut )

But if he wants something, he has to tidy the drawers up to find what he's looking for!!

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 15:02

Dh does have a 'man drawer'. within days of him having it, it is chaos. he cnt ever find anything! And if its in there its usually my fault he cant find it for putting it in there!

Anyway, he is now home, earlier than planned. DD and I were having late lunch/early tea of curry as she did not want her lunch earlier. DH decided to let DD eat chicken off the bone and they both made mess.

I was just about to take a bath with DD, when he took DD all covered in curry sauce and said I am all yucky from the move, DD want a shower with daddy, that would be nice wouldn't it? And off the toddle, into the shower, leaving me to clean the kitchen floor of rice.

DH has kindly told me that I could go to bed, in fact he says he wants me to go to bed. How nice of him! Well I am not. I am going to be stubborn and sulky around him, as I suspect thats why he wants me to go to bed. HA!

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 31/03/2008 15:04

and men think they stand a chance of figuring us out!!!

have a good afternoon!

Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 15:05

effie - absolutely I will. I will take great pleasure in getting my hair done, going for a long swim that kind of thing, obviously taking a snack with me, leaving debris on the kitchen side, and rooting through the wash basket scattering it all around looking for my swimsuit, only to find it my drawer afterall .

He is in a pleasant mood though, which I should not knock!

OP posts:
Pavlovthecat · 31/03/2008 15:07

DD is giggling with him, I might forgive him

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 31/03/2008 15:08

GO TO BED WOMAN

He is quite capable of cleaning the kitchen!

Walnutshell · 31/03/2008 15:09

In the nicest possible way, if you have no problem asking him to do his fair share, I don't really understand your complaint. Unless it's that you can't persuade him to actually comply!