OLD, he asked why I'm seperated

[HelloLemonPie]

Been having great messaging chat with a guy I've matched on Bumble. Messaging constantly for a week - he's keen to meet but I've been busy so we're meeting next week. He seems a decent bloke, kind, normal etc. I know it's hard to tell before meeting what the real chemistry will be like but we're messaging a lot.

Anyway, I'm a single mum and he's known this from the outset. Last night he messaged "Since we have chatted quite a lot now, I hope you don't mind me asking what happened between you and your child's father? Don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I'm really taken a back he's asked me this when we haven't met yet. Seems very personal. My DC's father was emotionally & physically abusive and I've had to have a lot of support post-relationship. I don't feel comfortable texting someone who is technically a stranger about this, even now it makes me feel sick thinking about my ex. It's really triggering.

I know the guy doesn't know this context and is probably curious. But how do I reply? This is a conversation I would have with someone a few dates down the line...

Also is it normal that he's asked me this so early?

[thinkingcapon]

Morning
I think that's a pretty normal question to be fair ?
You don't need to answer it of course!

[SortingItOut]

Never admit to any kind of domestic violence/abuse from a relationship...some men are looking for vulnerable women.

I usually say to people that we grew apart or we realised we were better off apart and leave it at that...I mean technically it's true in every situation.

[HelloLemonPie]

I wouldn't mind sharing that story with someone, but I feel like I would need to have met them in person and guaged them. It's a really hard thing to talk about, like, the most painful period I've ever been through.

[PoochiesPinkEars]

How about
Let's park that question for another day when we know each other better.

[isthismylifenow]

I think its quire normal question on apps.

I would always reply very vague, 'it just didn't work out'.

I'm not in the apps now as it wasn't very successful for me, but I wasn't giving out any more details to someone I don't know.

[SortingItOut]

@HelloLemonPie You should be waiting a very long time before you tell him your whole story, he doesn't need to know even if you have met him.

Oversharing shows a lack of boundaries.
You wouldn't tell the checkout lady your life story if she asked even if see her every week.

Have you had counselling/therapy since your relationship ended?

[AnOpinionInTheHand]

That’s pretty nosy imo, I’m not sure I’d be opening up to someone I’d only been talking to a week before we had even met. What if you don’t get on when you meet? Then you’ve told all this stuff to a stranger. I’d say

“it wasn’t a healthy relationship so I ended it. I’d rather not go into all that at the moment “ then change the subject

[PoochiesPinkEars]

Agree with pp it isn't wise to reveal the true nature of your abuse for a long time.

Lots of people seem lovely at first and when you've been in a relationship like that your radar can be off.

You need to really know someone before you hand them info like that, playing on people's insecurities is a relationship tool for some people sadly.

[GoodVibesHere]

Maybe he's trying to find out how 'over' that relationship is. I mean like figuring out whether you still hold a flame for your ex like people sometimes do.

You could answer 'I haven't had anything to do with him since and it's all very much all behind me now' or something along those lines and maybe say that it's not something you can summarise by text, but you have nothing to do with him now.

[PoochiesPinkEars]

@HelloLemonPie

I wouldn't mind sharing that story with someone, but I feel like I would need to have met them in person and guaged them. It's a really hard thing to talk about, like, the most painful period I've ever been through.

You should mind.
Caution is a good thing

It's lovely to be an open book in the sense that you're truthful but you should have layers of access to privelage information to keep yourself safe.
sharing that after a brief get to know and a face to face is not long enough to gauge anything with certainty of accuracy and the fact you're open to that makes me wonder about how healthy your boundaries are.

[Mumdiva99]

If I asked that question of someone it would be becauseni want to knownthat a) they didn't cheat and b) it was a long time ago and over. - I wouldn't want to be a rebound.
If there are kods involved I would want to know if it is amicable between the couple - again I wouldn't want to be involved in a messy situation. (Not that that would necessarily be the other person's fault. But would be my relationship preference.)

Do you think he is asking for a similar reason to above? If so....."we broke up a while ago and have both moved on. We still communicate but as parents not partners." - is bland but answers the questions.

Of course completely your perogative to not answer the question at the point.

[HelloLemonPie]

@SortingItOut I had lots of support from Women's Aid and therapy. I've worked on myself a lot and I am a different person now. Ex is still in my life, he sees DC twice a month. We went to court, the works, but there wasn't enough evidence to prove Coercive Control despite the police & women's aid being behind me.

Like I say, the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's something I couldn't even consider revisiting to explain to someone without really knowing and trusting them.

I think I'll reply saying...

'The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Or something along those lines.

I think he probably feels it's ok to ask as we really have text a lot and opened up about perspectives on the world, about our parents, dreams and hopes and we're clicking on that level.

[Elieza]

I wouldn't tell him the full answer yet either and agree with the poster who suggested saying we grew apart or we wanted different things. It's no lie. It's true.

You can say more later. if you feel the time is right. Even as late as next year once you really know him and he's shown you who he is and he's nice! There's no rush.

You can explain in due course that it was difficult to talk about to a new person in your life and he should be fine with that.

The reason you grew apart from your ex was his fault as he's an arse, and wanting different things was also true. He wanted to be nasty to you and you didn't want that. So you aren't telling lies

I hope he's nice and everything goes well for you. :-)

[PoppingTomorrow]

I understand why he's asked (sometimes people give quite telling answers like "she didn't like all the women at work being in love with me" or someuow rveelang that theyre not over their ex) but you don't have to say more than "it didn't work out" or "we weren't right for each other".

Agree, no need to explain more til you know each other much better.

[category12]

Definitely don't tell him about abuse

1. if he's a wrong un, it's giving him information he will exploit to further abuse you
   

1. it's too much too soon

If you're still interested in chatting/dating him, just say something like "it just didn't work out, I've moved on from it".

If he pushes for detail after that kind of closing down of the subject, I'd consider not bothering with him further.

You're not obliged to explain your past and it's frankly dangerous to expose too much vulnerability.

[category12]

The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Gosh, don't send that! It's making it interesting and an obvious thing for him to latch on to.

And 4 or 5 dates is in no way long enough to understand what sort of man the new guy is.

[HollyKnight]

Tbh I'm not really a fan of bringing trauma into new (potential) relationships. I see it as a fresh start. A clean slate. There is no need for him to ever know the intimate or personal details about prior relationships. "It just didn't work out." is enough.

[HelloLemonPie]

@category12 ah ok! I don't want to be dishonest as it's not in my nature, but I'm not ready to open up. Trying to think of a response that honours that..

[Myopicglass]

It just didn’t work out is fine to say. I would add no cheating involved (assuming there wasn’t).

I would ask that question as I wouldn’t date a man who had cheated for whatever reason. Any hint/excuse about cheating and I wouldn’t meet up with him. He wouldn’t be worth my time as there is no excuse for emotional abuse and taking away your spouses consent to STD risk.

[Myopicglass]

Why did he split with his ex?

[isthismylifenow]

@HelloLemonPie

@SortingItOut I had lots of support from Women's Aid and therapy. I've worked on myself a lot and I am a different person now. Ex is still in my life, he sees DC twice a month. We went to court, the works, but there wasn't enough evidence to prove Coercive Control despite the police & women's aid being behind me.

Like I say, the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's something I couldn't even consider revisiting to explain to someone without really knowing and trusting them.

I think I'll reply saying...

'The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Or something along those lines.

I think he probably feels it's ok to ask as we really have text a lot and opened up about perspectives on the world, about our parents, dreams and hopes and we're clicking on that level.

Don't say this. Just say it didn't work out.

Kindly, are you sure you are ready for old just yet? It can be brutal and you do unfortunately need to not take things personally.

[Floofydawg]

@category12

The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Gosh, don't send that! It's making it interesting and an obvious thing for him to latch on to.

And 4 or 5 dates is in no way long enough to understand what sort of man the new guy is.

Yeah I agree, just be vague and tell him if and when you're ready. Not an unreasonable question to ask at all.

[RedHelenB]

@PoochiesPinkEars

How about
Let's park that question for another day when we know each other better.

This.

[PoochiesPinkEars]

@category12

The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Gosh, don't send that! It's making it interesting and an obvious thing for him to latch on to.

And 4 or 5 dates is in no way long enough to understand what sort of man the new guy is.

Completely agree with this.
@Mumdiva99 gives good advice. Bland not tantalising is your friend here.
You need a stock answer that is beige but honest.

'Our differences were too much to stay a couple and we are co parenting to raise DD now.'

Sounds like you're already sharing quite a lot, for a text based relationship. Steady as you go.

[manova366]

OP, it's not dishonest to keep private information to yourself. It's not dishonest to have a boundary.
You write that he said Don't answer if you don't want to, so take him at face value and respond "You're right, I won't be talking about that".
Think of this as a great opportunity for you to test whether he respects your boundaries, takes no for an answer, etc etc.
If he pushes back or sulks, those are red flags and you don't need to continue talking to him.
If he accepts it, great, but it's not a green flag, just the absence of one red flag.