I have only been married to my husband for 5 years. Everything was great until we had a child together, and he will remain our one and only child together.
It has been almost 3 years and I still do not feel close to myself, physically... my physical appearance hasn't changed from prebaby. But it kind of feels like my body isn't my own a lot of the time, so I can't grant someone else permission to touch it.
I had a crazy amount of stitches after giving birth. The doctor made a shocked comment on how much damage had occurred and she had to do some "cosmetic work." That took longer to heal then the doctors had expected, but I don't feel like my husband was understanding of that.
Sex was the last thing from my mind but "men have needs" as someone told me. That really rubbed me the wrong way and I am really struggling to let that go. Sex was also painful and uncomfortable for close to 2 years.... but then I hated the idea of sleeping with my husband, all my issues with sex were psychological, and as far as I saw it, that damage was caused by his insistence that sex is "how he feels loved" and all that other nonsense and sex has very much been non-existent in my house for almost 3 years - more to that.
I found out roughly a year after DS was born, my husband had been secretly sexting some other woman (this is when the men have needs comment from a relative came out), months later, I then found him messaging her again, but comparing her sex with mine... then her trying to get him to "sneak out" to meet her in the middle of the night, after work and so forth. I don't know if he did.
Then I found out he had been messaging her inappropriately 2 months after we got married. He no longer mentions the lack of sex in our home... I don't know this person, I am not looking to hook up with a house mate, so it's not on the table and he knows it.
At the beginning of the year, I learned and confronted him about the $700 he spent on only-fans in the space of 5ish weeks. Now he works stupid long hours to avoid being home, he says he has to work those hours, but I have thoroughly read the EB agreement.
I work full time, with a crazy big workload, but I make enough money to cover almost all of the household expenses. He might pick up a bill here or there, and he pays his phone bill.
His money is meant to be our disposable income, going into paying off the mortgage faster but no extra payments have gone in there.
No matter what I express to him, or how I bring up a topic, he is the victim and I am "attacking" him.
He sometimes spends time fluffing around the house, but nothing is actually getting done, short of the washing. He mostly takes care of the washing but only because he doesn't have enough work clothes to get through a week, and I refuse to wash them. I do sometimes remind him they need doing (but that's because I want something washed that's in the load).
I do the cooking, the cleaning, pack bags, lunch boxes, picks and drop offs. I have to remind him to bath the our son while I clean the kitchen. I then have to put him to bed, which has started becoming, what feels like a battle for me, because this kid ain't going to sleep until 10pm, even though he is so tired. Meanwhile, dads fallen asleep next to him at least an hour before hand.
Once upon a time, my husband would take DS out to the park or for a bike ride, or out in the garden for a play while I cooked dinner. I can't supervise my kid in the backyard from the kitchen. But if dinner isn't on the table by 5:15 this kid is into snacks like he hasn't eaten in 3 days and then he won't eat dinner. Come 8:30, he's hungry again and somehow has become allowed to eat biscuits in my bed before he goes to sleep - something I have verbally expressed I am not cool with. But this kid just wants to spend some time with his dad, and he's been limited to weekends, if daddy's home and that is mostly just watching tv or going shopping for new toys.
Currently my husband is on his dream holiday overseas for 13 days (he'll be back on day 13, but late at night). Last night he called, after I had been dealing with DS carrying on like the world was ending due to ads on the TV every 3-5 minutes, for over an hour. I expressed my frustration at this to my husband, who then stated "No, do not pull this now. Do not do this now."
I immediately felt like I was burdening him, like I was the one off having a fantastic time with my friends overseas and I was complaining about one tiny little responsibility. This lead to an over the phone argument in another room because how dare he! I have been on my own since he left.
I should note, that the night before he left, I was up all night with a vomiting child, I then had to wake him up twice so he could get to the airport on time, and then he woke up the child, who started vomiting immediately.
The only thing I get from DH is a vague acknowledgement of what ever crap he's pulled to tick me off, and I know damn well that is just to end the argument.
We do not live like a married couple. We do not communicate. The only time any communication can occur without me "attacking" him is if it is about what ever he's interested in, then he get's in a huff because I have nothing to say about tv shows, computer games, movies, his friends who I don't know, his holiday or his job.
We aren't really together anyway expect under the same roof, with a piece of paper. He's the only one wearing a wedding ring and likes to pretend he's either happily married, or has a controlling wife who doesn't let him do anything.
Our last date was 2.5 years ago.... it was so romantic, I don't know how anyone could resist sitting in a stoners garage while listening to band practice. Especially after stating a 100 times you don't want to go.
I need to learn to stop expecting him home at a reasonable hour. To stop expecting anything from him in any way to be honest. It only bothers me because he says he'd do something with DS, who doesn't forget a thing and then I am dealing with the fall out.
We don't co-parent. I can explain the importance of a routine, I can explain not buying new toys every week, I can explain and model how to support DS with emotional regulation, teaching personal hygiene and everything else... it falls on deaf ears, or he's "just a deadbeat dad."
I don't see a way to save the marriage. I am not interested in "getting back out there." I was happy on single for more than 5 years before him, I can be happy single now and in the future.
I am looking forward to getting my hair done for the first time since I married the jerk. Might get my nails done too.
I am not looking for a leave him response... I just wanted to vent, my friends have so much going on in their own lives, I know they'd happily listen, but they don't need to be stressing about me on top of their own challenges.
But it is nice to get things off my chest. I married a dud who pretended not to be a dud. I was never big on the whole married thing before I met him. I saw it as a piece of paper.... and that's what he made it. Our marriage, our lives, is a just piece of paper backing a whole heap of broken promises.
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Just a heap of broken promises
11 replies
Username7684 · 18/04/2024 02:33
OP posts:
Motnight ·
18/04/2024 06:26
Username7684 · 18/04/2024 03:25
I don't need a "leave his ass!" Because I already know that.
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