Should I stay away from the apps

[advicesearcher24]

I am having a terrible time dating, I have dated 3 complete arseholes back to back.

First one I met in person and was vile and asked me for a nude when I was in hospital with sepsis 🙈 not 'how are you' it was 'send me a pic babe'. I was going through a really difficult period of my life and would never entertain the behaviour as long as I did (4 months I think) had I been in a normal state of mind.

Second one was a complete Walter Mitty and fabricated his entire life pretty much. Caught him out when he gifted me a fake Rolex he tried to pass off as real.

Recent one said I was the one, could see us getting married, our babies would be cute, he was ready to get married and have babies but his actions never made me feel secure, a lack of real effort and passion. He cheated on a night out and I found out, I cut it off straight away, blocked him from contacting me and will never speak to him again.

I have good friends who would tell me the truth and they all say it's just been a case of bad luck and that they genuinely don't believe that it is me that's causing it. The three men have been completely different first one very successful, good looking age 50, second one not attractive at all and 32 and third one, good looking and 33, I tried to go for the safe and sensible option here after the bad experiences, he was a bit boring but I had just accepted that I was going to be more extrovert in the relationship. I actively sought out someone who wasn't flashy and who seemed very secure in themselves.

Im attractive, I got 9,999 likes on tinder within 48 hours so men find me attractive. I have lots of friends and I really believe I have a good personality, I am kind and thoughtful. I'm successful in my career, established and driven.

In starting to feel really gutted that this isn't working out for me, my close friends are now starting to say that they think the problem is the guys in the apps (tinder and hinge) and that I should make more effort to meet people in person but I thought a huge % of people and marriages were from OLD...

How can one person have such bad luck? I don't feel there is anything wrong in saying that the want that human connection with someone romantically, I do want that. People keep telling me to just be on my own, I don't want to be on my own. I want to meet the right person.

Every other aspect of my life is really good, I'm healthy, I feel in the best shape I have ever been, my kids are happy and healthy, I have a great friendship with my kids dad, financially secure, love my job and good friends.

Just dating is an absolute shit show.

I'm 29 for reference.

Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope the last 3 have been bad luck? Do I have to take a break and be by myself although I want to meet someone and have that connection, do I come off the apps?

I'm not sure I can deal with a 4th time disaster of dating.

It just says 9,999+ likes on the diamond bit on tinder. I feel like the way I worded that looks like I made it up 😂

Also my spelling and grammar is atrocious. Lots of typos... feeling tired and can't sleep. Didn't pay enough attention when writing it.

My terrible grammar Is not the reason I attract awful men 🤣

I'm not sure what demographic hinge is but isn't tinder largely known for one night stands rather than long term things? The best free one imo used to be OK cupid but it might not be around now?

Failing that, would you perhaps get a better sort of guy if you paid for a profile? Having said that it might just mean they're richer and not necessarily less arseholey haha.

Thank you for replying! I thought about trying another app but i thought tinder was just the most widely used and that maybe these other ones okcupid, pof, match were for people who were desperate. To be fair i want to meet someone and having crap luck so maybe I'm desperate it's time to give that a go 🙈

I think one more 'hey, how's your day?' Type conversation might actually kill me 😂 death via boring online dating small talk...

I sympathise with you it does sound like you’ve had bad luck I’ve had a number of relationships from online dating from decent blokes that have eventually fizzled out no one’s fault they just didn’t work out I’m 32 so been single now two years the only reason I haven’t gone back on the apps is I just can’t face it and the crap that comes with it there’s always going to be people on these apps for the wrong reasons or to mess people around but that’s not everyone and you could go on to meet someone it’s just sort of weeding through the time wasters don’t give up but if it is affecting you then by all means take a break good luck ☺️

Step away from all dating apps, none are worth it.

Thank you 😢 I guess I just wanted to see if from strangers looking at the situation if it looks like it's something that I'm doing or can pin point where it's going wrong. Three short relationships back to back going horribly wrong is a serious amount of bad luck I feel.

But so many people meet online, I'm sure the stats were like 25% of marriages are now from OLD so it must be working for some people and it's so much more convenient and comfortable than having to find and arrange occasions to meet people in person 🙈

It just sounds like bad luck also FYI all the relationships I’ve had are from ok Cupid lol and I can assure you I’m not desperate lol my problem is I enjoy being single too much. I’ve never used tinder so can’t comment on it I loathe Pof I truly believe it’s awful but I do have a friend who’s getting married to a man she met of there so must work for some people? Also I agree about online dating small talk it’s dreadful sadly it’s how most people meet nowadays most of my friends have met there partners online there all 30-37 years old so it does work just takes time

Many men won't care about your career, but will value the qualities you mention.

Having kids may make many who want a LTR and their own families think again.

Yes totally, I do want more children though so I thought that wouldn't rule out lots of people.

General consensus being resilience is key and just to keep at it on the apps and suffer the small talk til I meet the right one.

Is it desperate to send this message after they first 'hey, how are you?' -

"I can't tell if I like someone until I have met them in person, the small talk of OLD is painful for everyone involved so let me know if you want to meet up person some time"

I can't do weeks and weeks of small talk and waiting for them to eventually ask me out just to meet up and they are stinking or something. Just can't do it 🙈 but IRL I would always wait for guys to approach me.

Well I am a man in my forties who has never had a date from an app so take what I say with the appropriate pinch of salt but I have long thought that when future historians try to figure out how our civilisation collapsed they'll trace its beginning to the invention of the smart phone. Which is not to say necessarily not to use apps (although I do think if you have other options it's worth thinking about), but that if you do use them, do so strictly as a tool to find people. Do not conduct a courtship via them or other social media.

It seems to me the psychological effect that instant messaging has, in the context if trying to develop a strong romantic relationship, is of not just a different degree but of a different nature to when previous generations would exchange letters or even emails to communicate. When I think of past relationships the idea that any of them would have grown had all remote communication been conducted via WhatsApp seems impossible.

There's no point in spending weeks and weeks talking with someone. Just meet them within a week or so in order to move on if the man is not what you are looking for.

Ypu have been unlucky but you might also need to address your personal filtering system.

Is it desperate to send this message after they first 'hey, how are you?

I ignored all of these when I did it. I didn't meet anyone via online dating but I didn't have horrendous experiences either. I didn't give anyone a second chance or the benefit of the doubt amd especially not in the initial stages of messaging when all I had to go on was their age and how good looking they are.

I think what stands out is you stuck in there too long especially with guy 3, his actions never made you feel secure, I know it's easier said than done when you really like them, but you owe it to yourself to stop dating soon as you have doubts. It will help in the long run of not building a relationship with them then going through heartbreak.

Meeting them irl is not always better, I'm at the age where that was the only way in my youth and had some dreadful relationships and experiences. Having some time out single to evaluate will help you.

Sounds like you really need a break from the apps.

Take a few months out. In the meantime, maybe try speed dating or singles nights, try thjngs you wouldn't usually, accept every opportunity to socialise, go to the opening of an envelope :D, ask mates/family if they know anyone they could see you with.

Then if nothing comes of that, go back to the apps, hopefully when you're feeling less jaded.

There's no such thing as bad luck. The apps seem weighted heavily with tosspots though. It's not you either. These blokes would do this if it was anyone they're communicating with not just you. I'd guess 75% minimum of them on there are stupid jokers like these.

I have deleted the apps this morning, I think I need a break. Good point about what someone said with ending things at first doubt in future. I think because I have had quite a few back to back that haven't worked out I'm starting to doubt myself in relationships and thinking that I'm the problem.

I think I will give myself a month or so break and see how I feel. Will do my best on the extra socialising front although I truly can't be bothered 🙈 once or twice a month is probably quite enough for me.

Could you join a niche app for people with shared interests? I would steer clear of Tinder and hook-up apps. I would do a three month trial of a paid for one.
If you want to ditch the apps, join some social groups with no expectations. If you meet new friends, you're winning.

I think the fact you are thinking about this might mean you want to do it. Do you ever give yourself a break take a few months off. Particularly if you’re in a relationship that has ended taking time for self care. Have you considered therapy to help with your boundaries? Or hobbies to meet people in real life?

What are some suggestions for adult hobbies where I can meet people in real life? I live in a small city with not a great deal happening.

Take a break
focus on other things and create some space

when you are feeling stronger and better in yourself then try again
its very hard to OLD when you are hurt and bruised

ps even when I was 48 years I got an insane amount of tinder likes . I think they randomly click on any nice face !!!

Park run seems quite a popular thing.

You could look at MeetUp and see if there are any local groups that appeal to you? There seem to be walking groups, film clubs, age-related socialising groups that are mixed sex and quite general.

What are you interested in?

It depends what your interests are. Every community has seemingly endless groups for this and that. Doesn't need to be a big city in fact better if it isn't.