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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law’s comment makes me upset

26 replies

Anusername · 17/04/2024 16:47

I was having lunch with my mil. She said to me can you believe that xxx (some woman that we see in the park) is actually older than you?! I found this comment extremely upsetting as I have just given birth to a baby girl two months ago and I am conscious of how tired I look. I have however always been told to look younger than my age (but looking after a baby could easily change that). This woman in fact doesn’t look young at all. She looks just her age.

In fact it upsets me so much because she made a very similar comment a year ago which got me very upset and I believe my mil noticed. Yet she still did it again? I just don’t know if she’s simply blunt or wants to attack me. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 17/04/2024 22:50

My thoughts are that she's a real bitch.

No-one decent says something like that once, let alone twice.

She really deserves you to say "I know, it's funny how different people look at similar ages .... for example my friend's Mum/mil is your age but looks years younger. I'd never have guessed she was the same age as you".

Two can play that game.

Original poster
Anusername · 18/04/2024 05:54

Xenoi24 · 17/04/2024 22:50

My thoughts are that she's a real bitch.

No-one decent says something like that once, let alone twice.

She really deserves you to say "I know, it's funny how different people look at similar ages .... for example my friend's Mum/mil is your age but looks years younger. I'd never have guessed she was the same age as you".

Two can play that game.

Edited

it puzzles me a lot why she said it. Even if that’s what she thinks, she could simply say she looks quite young for her age rather than younger than you. AA little bit of background is that she is helping with childcare and I’d say we have a rather good relationship. I can’t help but think she still feels threatened or jealous and that’s why she wants to attack me (even subconsciously)..

OP posts:
Elephantswillnever · 18/04/2024 06:09

Are you sure that she meant it as a slight? My boss realised recently that I am older than him by a few years. Now everyone knows but it’s said with a tone of surprise as they definitely look like they have a good few years on me.

I think when you are tired and feeling a bit run down (normal with young kids) it’s hard to have perspective on how you look.

WorriedMillie · 18/04/2024 06:12

“I know MIL and can you believe <insert name of person who looks 95> is actually older than you?”

Janetime · 18/04/2024 06:35

This is your second thread, I do think tiredness is getting to you, she likely meant the woman looked very young, she’s come over to help you, and it’s two comments over many years, try not to over stress.

how are you feeling In yourself after the baby?

category12 · 18/04/2024 06:37

If you think she's malicious towards you, stop having lunch etc with her, have a more distant relationship.

If you think she's just clumsy or tactless, then treat it as a foible of hers and point it out laughingly "oh my god, mil, thanks for the compliment!" (or something funny, it's early).

Either way, try to stop taking it on board, it's a her thing, she's the one who's being a tool.

CormorantStrikesBack · 18/04/2024 06:39

Maybe she didn’t mean anything to do with looks? Has this woman also got a baby and is she making a comment about her, ie she’s surprised she’s x age as she has a baby?

LittleCarrot12 · 18/04/2024 06:39

How do you know she was referring to how you look? Could it be that’s she older but at a different life stage? A lady I work with is obsessed with people younger than her daughter being further in life ie better jobs, kids etc

Original poster
Anusername · 18/04/2024 06:41

@Janetime thank you for your perspective. I am in general quite well but of course very tired!

OP posts:
DuchesseNemours · 18/04/2024 06:42

Slightly off tangent - sorry OP! - but it doesn't half pee me off that 'looking old' is meant, or taken, as an insult. There is nothing inherently bad about looking older.

Original poster
Anusername · 18/04/2024 06:43

@category12 thanks I know I need to get over with it. It doesn’t worth my time and energy. But I just find it hard the second time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anusername · 18/04/2024 06:52

@DuchesseNemours True. I shouldn’t dwelled on it too much!

OP posts:
IntoTheMild · 18/04/2024 06:57

I’d be upset too OP. She’s either accidentally putting her foot in it, not realising it’s offensive, or she is saying it with malice. Either way, it’s upsetting! Especially during postpartum when your image feels so altered and alien. I’ve had similar recently having just had two babies in three years where people have expressed shock when I’ve told them my age and previously I had always been told I looked young. It’s hurtful even if it shouldn’t be and I don’t think pp are right in blaming your mental well-being.

Original poster
Anusername · 18/04/2024 07:06

@IntoTheMild thank you for being so kind. I think having kids really ages you quickly. I now have constant eye bags and dark eye circles and have no time to take care of myself. Being 5kg more than my pre-pregnancy weight is not helpful either.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/04/2024 07:13

Anusername · 18/04/2024 07:06

@IntoTheMild thank you for being so kind. I think having kids really ages you quickly. I now have constant eye bags and dark eye circles and have no time to take care of myself. Being 5kg more than my pre-pregnancy weight is not helpful either.

But having a bit of extra weight is normal after a baby, being fucking tired is normal!

You're not supposed to "snap back" - only people who can afford personal trainers, personal dressers, nannies and good lighting can.

Give yourself a bit of slack.

fourelementary · 18/04/2024 07:17

Sorry she’s upset you @Anusername and if you’re close I would just say so- “Sally, I know you probably weren’t meaning anything by it but it made me feel like you were saying I looked old and haggard when you compared me to Sarah the other day.”

Or, like other people have said… maybe you can reframe it in your head to be nothing more than an observation. Being older is a chronological thing and nothing more. Due to misogyny we think that women aging as a shameful thing rather than a process that we are lucky to go through as it means we are alive and not everyone gets to live to old age.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 18/04/2024 07:18

"You've said things like that before - it comes across as quite rude and insulting so let's talk about something else..." (Change subject with an open question asking her opinion on platground equipment, toddler classes, soft play centress or something else entirely unrelated to looks)

"I'm not very interested in speculating about people's age. Life's too short to care about that sort of thing"

Or just don't respond and change the subject.

Tourmalines · 18/04/2024 07:30

Why do you think she feels threatened or jealous of you ?

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 18/04/2024 07:39

OP, it’s ok to be honest and say ‘ouch MIL, not great for the morale of an exhausted new mum’ or similar.

And it’s ok to feel sensitive, too, when our lives and bodies have been through pregnancy and childbirth etc.

Mybusyday · 18/04/2024 07:41

Xenoi24 · 17/04/2024 22:50

My thoughts are that she's a real bitch.

No-one decent says something like that once, let alone twice.

She really deserves you to say "I know, it's funny how different people look at similar ages .... for example my friend's Mum/mil is your age but looks years younger. I'd never have guessed she was the same age as you".

Two can play that game.

Edited

Great advice!

Hippomumma2 · 18/04/2024 07:50

She was being passive aggressive. Just tell her beauty may fade but dumb is forever , then wink at her. Horrible woman.

ny20005 · 18/04/2024 07:52

My mil bought me anti ageing cream for Christmas when my eldest was 4 months old !

She was just an utter bitch & we're now nc after many years of

Try not to let any comments get to you & just make similar comments to her

CurlewKate · 18/04/2024 07:52

Generally speaking this sort of thing is cock up not conspiracy. We all say things sometimes that have us kicking the sheets at 4 in the morning. Let it pass. And if it was deliberate not being affected by it is the best retaliation. Be the better person.

Tourmalines · 18/04/2024 07:56

Nothing wrong with someone buying you facial creams , my DIL has bought me some and I love it .

category12 · 18/04/2024 09:04

CurlewKate · 18/04/2024 07:52

Generally speaking this sort of thing is cock up not conspiracy. We all say things sometimes that have us kicking the sheets at 4 in the morning. Let it pass. And if it was deliberate not being affected by it is the best retaliation. Be the better person.

Yep, it's most likely to be accidentally putting her foot in it rather than spiteful.

Yesterday someone asked me about a spelling and I thought they were making a joke about the office environment because of what we'd been talking about. When I realised they were actually asking, I said "really?!" and probably looked a right prick. (Although i am holding onto the hope they were still joking and taking the piss out of me instead). That'll be waking me up hot and cold for years yet. 😂

I mean, mil might be spiteful, but in the absence of other evidence, I'd just go for the said the wrong thing but didn't intend it.