Advice please

[WhereShouldIPark]

Just looking for some advice on this, separated from ex beginning of last year. 2 children together. Recently towards the end of last year we started seeing each other again with the intention of getting back together, things were going well and I brought up him moving back in and he then informed me that he never wants to live together again.

I can't see how this would work personally. So at the moment he comes down to "visit" us and stays for a week or so but then will disappear for a few days / week back to his when he wants a break. He will make excuses and say he needs to sort things out in his area/ at his place. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of but he tells me it's a good set up and all of his friend's partners are jealous apparently? And they would love to not live with their partners. Yet I'm struggling to see what I get out of this situation. He comes down and plays happy families then goes off and we don't see him for days, he said coming here is like a holiday! He never takes the children to his as he says there's no point so I never get a "break" but then I see threads on here where people say they would love to not live with their partner and live separately so is he right? Surely this doesn't apply when you have children together? Of course I can see the benefits of living separately if there are no shared children involved or if things were more equal but he seems to be the only one benefiting from this situation. He is not saying we will see how things go or in the future he has literally said he never wants to move back in.

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

I wouldn't be accepting that at all OP. He can't be part of a family on a part time basis. I would separate fully.

[Opentooffers]

Lol, of course it's a great set-up, but only for him. Yes you are being treated as a mug and although his friends might love the idea, their partners would absolutely not. As you say, he gets breaks whenever he likes, while you get non.
Sex and a family on their best behaviour when you pop in as you feel like it - easy street.
You might as well cut it out now, as you'll doubtless see a lot less of him when he finds another mug.
He should have the DC's at his and parent them properly. I think you've had the wool pulled over your eyes, don't let him stay another night. This planned setup of his really should have been put in a category of 'wanting different things out of life, so not getting on well after breakup'. I think you'll find you get on less well if you change the rules. You've been in fake loveliness because you've agreed to it all and been placid about it up to now.

[WhereShouldIPark]

Only there seems to be constant posts on here from women saying they would love to not live together and have separate houses? He said it's their partners who have said im lucky and they are jealous apparently?

[Plantmother71]

It seems like he wants the single life when it suits him - meanwhile you have his attention only on his terms and when he’s prepared to give it, and have to deal with looking after the home full time. The downs sound like equality to me. Is he also seeing what is available, dating etc whilst he’s ‘taking time away’? That wouldn’t be a situation I’d agree to but it depends if you feel fulfilled living like this. It sounds more like he may want an open relationship. That’s not something I’d agree to but only you can decide if this is how you want to live. If this isn’t how you want your life to be then tell him he needs to decide is he in or out? You’ve only got one life to live so make sure it’s what you truly want. Good luck.

[WhereShouldIPark]

it would only be open on his side as I have not got the time to be dating multiple people, the children keep me busy enough and tbh I wouldn't want to! But that's how it feels it kind of feels like he is leading a double life. Well at least I'm not going crazy and other women would "love" this set up as he thinks..

[southeastlady]

What the actual F

Im a woman and I wouldnt be happy about my husband buggering off whenever he wanted for a break, I would make it a permanent break.

I would be very suspicious that he has another woman that he lives with while he's not at yours, especially as he doesn't take the children there.

Do you know his address where he stays when not at yours?
How can afford to live in 2 places? Does he contribute financially when with you?

[northernlight20]

u sure he lives alone? not taking the kids to his place, then disappearing? i would just fully separate, what are the kids learning from seeing this happen? why did you separate in the first place? has that resolved?

[Nicebloomers]

So, you do all of the parenting and housework as a single mother and he just drops in to be the glorious returning father, get laid and his dinner made and then pisses back off to a single life with no responsibilities? Did I get that right?

[WhereShouldIPark]

Well it certainly feels that way. I'm pretty sure he lives alone but it is very weird and I can see why it looks like he doesn't. I'm going to call it off I knew it wasn't right but he has been making me seem crazy for not seeing it as a great idea but only he benefits from it. He does contribute when he is here towards food and stuff for the children (not bills)

[Nicebloomers]

It’s a massive no from me. It’s verging on insulting to suggest it tbh. Your instincts are correct, a clean break and you can both move on properly with your lives.

[MotherofChaosandDestruction]

Gosh OP, no wonder he doesn't want to move back in, why would he? He gets family life and single life - he's the epitome of having your cake and eating it too.

Call it off and make him do some actual parenting, he's taking the absolute piss out of you!!

[BigPussyEnergy]

Is he paying child maintenance?
Are you in receipt of any benefits or eg single adult council tax discount?

This might work very well for him but means you could be missing out financially on help available to you, both from him and from the government.

Knock it on the head, you can do better than this half assed arrangement from him.

[WhereShouldIPark]

He isn't paying maintenance no. He contributes to food and stuff when he is here for the children like clothes and shoes but no he doesn't pay me any maintenance. He calls me clingy because I "don't like him leaving" his words says it's clingy to be annoyed when he leaves and makes out like I'm clingy and suffocating and it's good to have "space" says that others would be envious of my situation

[category12]

I think living apart together relationships are great when you don't have kids together.

But this guy is taking the absolute piss. Of course he loves it, you're doing all the parenting and work, while he breezes in and out.

Dump him properly, he's actually showing you breaking up was the right thing all along.

[category12]

And put in a CMS claim tonight.

[roycroppersshopper]

@WhereShouldIPark

He isn't paying maintenance no. He contributes to food and stuff when he is here for the children like clothes and shoes but no he doesn't pay me any maintenance. He calls me clingy because I "don't like him leaving" his words says it's clingy to be annoyed when he leaves and makes out like I'm clingy and suffocating and it's good to have "space" says that others would be envious of my situation

He is taking the rip roaring piss out of you. Don't stand for it, he's gaslighting you, saying other women are jealous. Bullshit!

Finish it properly, get maintenance and him to have the kids EOW at least.

Good luck.

[Ofcourseshecan]

@WhereShouldIPark

Only there seems to be constant posts on here from women saying they would love to not live together and have separate houses? He said it's their partners who have said im lucky and they are jealous apparently?

Yes, but as PPs have said, it’s great for him playing Happy Families when he feels like it! Not for you or DC.
When people say they’d like to live separately from their partner, I don’t think they mean like this. I’ve known couples who love each other, share their lives and are committed to each other, but have never moved in together. That’s different from your case.
Your ex is taking massive advantage. Not fair to you or DC. As well as everything else, he is keeping you on a hook, stopping you from getting over him and moving on. Playing with your and DC’s emotions, very cruelly.
He should be paying child support and having DC at his place regularly.