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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating again at 45.

20 replies

Darllenadeall · 17/04/2024 09:44

I've recently started dating again after a long marriage.
I've met a lovely guy who I've had a few dates with. He text most days, seem to get on.

But he is very busy, he works away and has kids a lot when he is home.
He recently text to allologise for not being able to see me for the next week as he has a lot on. He suggested a date next late next week, which I can't make.
But how much chasing should I do in this situation?
I feel as if, as he is the one who is usually busy, I should let him take a lead. But waiting around for him to ask drives me crazy.
Is it OK to say - tell me when you are free, and I'll work around you, or does that look overly keen?

And, is this normal in the early days of a relationship, or is is this a sign that he is not v keen, and I should let it go?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 17/04/2024 09:57

Just because who you want to be.

If you want to send "let me know a couple of possible dates and I'll try and work something out" then send that.

Try and not over guess his responses or how long he takes. If you feel he's not keen enough then move on. If you don't mind the pace and understand he has other commitments just be chill.

frozendaisy · 17/04/2024 09:57

Just be who you want to be.

Opentooffers · 17/04/2024 14:32

Look in a general sense at possible incompatibility issues. If he works away and has DC's in between, is there any room and any point? You can expect scraps off him all the time, he's already testing what you'll put up with.

samestyle · 17/04/2024 14:37

Say that date doesn't work for you, give him some alternative days he can choose from, don't be too invested in him at this stage, still talk to others and be open to other dates, if he really wants to see you, he'll keep trying until you both have free time to meet, but if it's always going to be this difficult, it'll be hard to make anything of it.

Watchkeys · 17/04/2024 14:46

I should let him take a lead

and

I should let it go

'Shoulds' come from authority. From someone/thing telling you what the 'right' thing to do is. Who decides what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' do? And what do they base it on?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 17/04/2024 14:56

If you like him ask for some dates. He likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be texting you every day.

Original poster
Darllenadeall · 17/04/2024 15:14

Thanks all.
I really hate the thought of chasing men, but I also hate having to wait around and see if he bothers to ask me out - its a shit feeling.
I think what I'll do is suggest a date or two and then see what he says. If he can't make it, then I'll see if he contacts me but I'll be open to seeing other people too.
Sounds simple enough, but makes me very exious for some reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darllenadeall · 17/04/2024 15:16

Opentooffers · 17/04/2024 14:32

Look in a general sense at possible incompatibility issues. If he works away and has DC's in between, is there any room and any point? You can expect scraps off him all the time, he's already testing what you'll put up with.

Yes, this is what worries me. He's testing what I'll put up with!
I don't want to be a pushover.

OP posts:
Peal4 · 17/04/2024 16:24

He's messaged you to apologise for not being able to see you next week and has suggested a date for the following week. I think that shows effort and forward planning! 100% message him back with a couple of alternative dates.
My situation is similar and I also get an anxious feeling in my gut with it all. Difficult to know what to do, or if it's worth carrying on with. I hate all the who's turn is it to message or who's turn is it to suggest meeting up. The best thing is to chat about it if it's bothering you.

Rania78 · 17/04/2024 16:34

I am of the opinion that If someone wants they will find time.
Just accept the date he suggested and next time he tells you “Apologies I don’t have time” reply back tht “no worries. Let me know when you have time and maybe we can work something out. Have a nice evening” and then leave it on him.
For me If someone doesn’t find the time it means he is not interested so I just let it go. I would also advice you to continue looking at other men on OLD and dating.

SamW98 · 17/04/2024 16:38

I don’t see asking him to suggest a few dates when he’s free as chasing him. It’s his response that will tell you what you need to know I think.

It is difficult when you’re older and have busy lives to sometimes find something that works for you both especially at fairly short notice.

I prefer to meet quickly but there’s been times when I’ve been chatting and we’ve both had pre booked plans and it’s been a few weekends before we can meet up. Life happens but it has to work for you both, not just you fitting in with him.

MrsBosomworth · 17/04/2024 17:15

Peal4 · 17/04/2024 16:24

He's messaged you to apologise for not being able to see you next week and has suggested a date for the following week. I think that shows effort and forward planning! 100% message him back with a couple of alternative dates.
My situation is similar and I also get an anxious feeling in my gut with it all. Difficult to know what to do, or if it's worth carrying on with. I hate all the who's turn is it to message or who's turn is it to suggest meeting up. The best thing is to chat about it if it's bothering you.

This, 100%.

You already know that he's very busy, so it's not like he's just making excuses not to see you. He's suggested a day to meet up so he obviously wants to.

You clearly like each other a lot so it would be a shame to throw it away.

Watchkeys · 17/04/2024 18:43

but I also hate having to wait around and see if he bothers to ask me out - its a shit feeling

Then find something else to do. This isn't about men, or waiting to hear from people; this is about the fact that if he doesn't reply, there's a gap, and you're waiting for someone to fill it for you.

shivermetimbers77 · 17/04/2024 18:48

I think he sounds like a decent guy- he’s busy but he’s contacting and you and letting you know he wants to see you. I think reciprocating by also suggesting dates and showing you like him too isn’t ‘chasing’ , it’s just showing you’re interested too. Don’t overthink it.

Peal4 · 17/04/2024 18:49

I agree. Don't overthink things. I know it's hard not to. Friend of mine who is far more relaxed said - just go with the flow. I'm trying to channel my inner her 😏

Peal4 · 17/04/2024 18:51

Let us know what his reply is!!

Original poster
Darllenadeall · 17/04/2024 22:01

Watchkeys · 17/04/2024 18:43

but I also hate having to wait around and see if he bothers to ask me out - its a shit feeling

Then find something else to do. This isn't about men, or waiting to hear from people; this is about the fact that if he doesn't reply, there's a gap, and you're waiting for someone to fill it for you.

Yes, I'm realising that this is exactly what it is!
I need to concentrate on keeping myself busy with things and people I like and try not to overthink. This can be easier said than done for me, but that's down to me, and my own insecurities - its not to do with him.

I text and suggested a day to meet. He replied and said that he couldn't do that day, but suggested another day.

So, I just need to try and relax and be less of a worry bag!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 19/04/2024 09:18

I don't think that wanting to see someone more frequently than they have time for, and feeling uncomfortable otherwise is 'being a worry bag'. Why are you trying to minimise your feelings? No wonder you feel anxious: nobody is prioritising your comfort, here. Not even you. Overthinking isn't a thing: if something bothers us, we think about it a lot. The key isn't to silence the thinking, it's to sort out the thing that's bothering us. You don't overthink situations you're happy with, do you?

If you want a partner you can see more often than he has time/requirement for, you're not compatible, so stop trying to make that feel good.

Sososal · 19/04/2024 09:33

Personally after a long marriage, I wouldn’t hang my hat on one guy.

Dweetfidilove · 19/04/2024 09:41

Morning OP. I agree with @Peal4 .

You know he is busy working away and depending on how far ‘away’ is, it’s possible he just can’t see you. It’s also important that he spends time with his children, especially if he’s working away.

He has texted you with a plan and keeps in touch, so have a conversation. I am not available on that day, but I can do xxx.

I also believe you should be filling your time with other activities- not waiting around for anyone.
It's also unwise to have all your eggs in one basket at this stage, so you may want to date other people too.

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