Is it best I just move on from this?

[Lilllypad11]

I like this guy, I’d been on some dates with him. Last week he went on holiday so understandably we couldn’t meet up, which was fine by me but said “let’s arrange something for the week I’m back”. He then texted me last night at 5 to ask if I was free this week, I replied 3 hours later at 8pm and said I can do tomorrow or Thursday. He then said to me at approx 6 pm today “ah damn, sorry I was out like a light by then or I would have said tonight but I’m in my work stuff and I’ve not got a change of clothes with me either” (works in a medical setting as a physio) and I took this as a no for tonight anyway, he then just asked me how my day was going at work.

Now, I’m really struggling emotionally at the moment anyway , and I’m a bit confused. I feel there’s mixed messages here, he didn’t suggest an alternative date and me being precious got a bit offended by that. In the end I did text back saying “not to worry, are you free any other night this week?” But I feel super frustrated by it all, I’m just at the point where I’ve found him to be a bit inconsistent at times, do I just have that conversation with him and say sorry this is too much? Idk?

"So Thursday then?"

That's what I would've said.

But you sound like it's more than just this text exchange that's making you wary?

Yeah, I was cheated on a year ago. Unfortunately it’s left my trust in the bin. I second guess everything. Literally everything. A man could tell me he loved me and I’d think but does he mean that. I’m in therapy too. But really, it only helps so much. I ended up asking when else he’s free, but I’m like hmm is it an excuse is it genuine. Why wouldn’t he just say “I didn’t see this earlier I didn’t bring a change of clothes but let’s to Thursday” I just feel like I’m second guessing stuff.

It’s kind of embarrassing to have to keep pushing for a date. It’s not like the ops hanging back. She’s asked for a date and given two specific suggestions. He completely blanked her for a full day until it was too late to do the first one, and gave a crap excuse about it. And then didn’t come back with a counter suggestion so she’s having to ask yet again. She’ll be practically begging him if he comes back with another vague answer and she has to ask yet again.
Op he’s been away and not seen you all week, and he’s really not keen now imo. Do you really want to keep trying to date him?

I'd have replied to his message saying "no worries" or something and seen if he actually came back and made the effort to make arrangements for another night.

You'd already also suggested Thursday which he ignored, and he never suggested an alternative.

I'd leave it for him to make an effort and if he doesn't, that's your answer

Yeah I feel like I shouldn’t have even bothered saying “any other days work for you” I really regret it now. I should have just left it. My issue is he literally asked me on Monday “you free this week” to then say on Tuesday “left my clothes at home” why ask if you can’t do it idk.

I'm maybe not the best person to ask as I'm perhaps as sceptical as you!

If I was in a similar position I'd be thinking he wanted to be seen to be making an effort to keep me on the back burner but didn't actually have much motivation/excitement to meet up. Whether he's tired/busy/dating other people.....

But I'm very jaded from being cheated on followed by years of unsuccessful OLD.

Since you've now asked him when he's free again, I'd try not to overthink that or worry about it, but from now on I'd pull back a bit and see if he makes an effort from here on.

Maybe somebody less cynical would have a different view or better advice.

Sorry, also cynical!

My advice would be: let him come to you.

If he texts to ask how you are, what you've done today, be super positive and breezy

Do not ask him when he's free. If he wanted to, he would ask.

If he then asks, that's half of your second guessing anxiety out the window.

As to your fears he's possibly deceiving you or covering up: most men can't lie for shit. They honestly don't think two steps ahead. Let him do the chasing and then you'll KNOW if he's interested.

My issue is he said “hey would love to know if you’re free this week” then I tell him Tuesday or Thursday, then I just get the response that he could’ve done tonight but had no clothes. So I’m like ???? Well I have you an alternative right there

He could have easily pinned doen a date this week and he didn't.

Also he's doing that oh gosh I'm so busy and important I can't even look at my phone.

Sounds like hard work

That's no problem so now you don't say shit about when you're free or follow up about the Thursday. Just wait for him to ask you again. Act like you never said it in the first place

If he asks you tomorrow what you've been up to, then Tuesday night you had a great time doing XYZ

It’s the fuckwittery of it all that’s now starting to piss me off. Like I gave you options. Don’t fuck with me. I asked him if he was free but in hindsight I just think. Why did i do that.

So just don't invest in it any more

Don't message him. All you do is get on with your life, message back when you feel like it when he asks how you are etc

Give yourself your own timeline for him to ask you out/if you're free. If that end date comes and he's still fannying about, block and delete

Minimum energy expended

I get the being annoyed at yourself @Lilllypad11 but I completely agree with @FakeMiddleton - wait and see how he responds.

If he asks how you are tomorrow, just say you're tired as you ended up out last night with a friend instead. Let him attempt to arrange a date - also, I wouldnt necessarily make myself free for the first thing he suggests.

I dont usually agree with game playing but if he comes back tomorrow and suggests Thursday I'd say "oh sorry, I'm no longer free as I hadn't heard back. Maybe another time"

You don't want to give the impression you're going to sit around and accomodate his flakiness/disinterest

Text exactly how @highlo says

Why couldn’t he have gone home and got changed?? The no clothes thing seems a flaky excuse. Ultimately he’s not putting much effort in, despite saying he’d love to see you. His actions don’t match his words.

He lives an hour away from where he works. So he works in my area but lives way out. But yeah. It’s a flaky excuse. It’s just not good enough tbh

Just move on. You have a history of being cheated on which is meaning this man's communication style makes you feel on edge. It doenst mean he's doing anything wrong, he may just be very laid back and in no rush, but it is not compatible with your current needs. Both are fine, they just don't fit together comfortably. You do not need to change yourself, you need to keep looking until you find something that brings you joy and doesn't stress you out.

You've only had a few dates up to now, so shouldn't be too invested to leave it. Taking 22 hours to reply to reply to you should show you all you need to know. Some people are poor at replying maybe, but using his own excuse, it only works if he didn't even bother to spend a few seconds reading your text over those hours. You should be aiming for better attention and input than he's giving.