Honestly can’t tell if this is a ‘me’ issue?

[Scoottoop]

Background is my ex husband cheated on me and left me and the children a few years ago. I was totally devastated and blindsided by the whole thing and probably still processing it even though it’s been nearly 5 years, this is made more difficult by having to co parent with him as our children are still quite young.
I’ve dated since and have had 3 relationships that could have moved to be more serious but I’ve had doubts about every one. I worry about them meeting my children and how that will go, I worry if we would break up then and if it would impact on the kids and be more instability for them. I’ve been seeing a nice man now for around 8 months, he ticks a lot of boxes for me but the same doubts are creeping in, mostly my own worries but also some specific doubts about him (there’s an immaturity to him at times).
i guess what I’m wanting to figure out is- am I the issue and am I now just the type of person who will doubt things and I need to take the leap? Or should I listen to these doubts and that the ‘right person’ won’t make me feel them?

Why does it need to move to the next level, what is wrong with it just staying at the same level for a number of years?

Are you feeling pressure from them? I would say any pressure on a single parent was a red flag.

Also you have now had three (four?) relationships in just five years. Do you ever get time alone and is it possible that your worries are in part because you don't want a serious relationship - do you feel any internal pressure to be coupled up again?

I think I worry about them meeting my children and how that will go, I worry if we would break up then and if it would impact on the kids and be more instability for them is exactly the right worry to have. I would say that eight months is very early for meeting young children.

I guess it’s because I would like to build a life and a home with someone again and possibly have another child/children. But I’m very cautious about things moving too fast. I also was so sure my marriage was going to last for me and it didn’t so I can’t imagine ever feeling sure again

And no, no pressure from them

My ex also cheated and I agree it is really hard to get over all the insecurities and trauma that come from that.

On the other hand I think you’re right to be cautious about introducing a new partner and you need to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel quite right about your new DP then don’t introduce him, there’s no rush.

I dated a few people as a single parent before meeting DH and I didn’t introduce them. With DH it felt very different, but we were still very cautious and didn’t introduce them until almost a year. At each stage it felt like we waited until the point where the next stage just felt inevitable and easy ( though still scary!) So we moved in after 4 years, got married after 6 years.

Just take your time and trust your instincts. But you also do need to learn to trust again full stop, which is hard 💐

What is the longest period you have been alone? Did you have enough time to recover?

If you are still processing, as you said in your OP, maybe you need some time out before restarting. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on.

I’ve been alone for maybe 6 months at a time. I definitely jumped into something too quick after the marriage ended. And yeah I probably do have a fear of being alone

You are the issue. He hasn't done anything wrong, and is allowed to be immature.

So... given that the only problem here is your feelings... do you think you should respect the problem or dismiss it?

What do you mean by respect the problem or dismiss it?

Respect the problem = instigate some sort of change to fix it

Dismiss the problem = do nothing, because there isn't really 'a problem', it's just your feelings doing something daft

but also some specific doubts about him (there’s an immaturity to him at times)

How so? Immaturity is rarely attractive or conducive for a healthy relationship.

Makes silly jokes, still has ‘lads’ night outs/holidays, different sense of humour.

Well I’m trying to examine my feelings so surely that’s what I’m doing but thanks for the kind words 👍

I think you are right.

It sounds like you have a desire to finish the life you'd perhaps imagined by having another life partner and baby.

You probably need a lot of healing and self acceptance to get over the trauma of a sudden unexpected life change that came as a real shock.

Have you talked it through with friends?

I have spoke it through with friends. They’re probably sick to the back teeth hearing me go on.
it’s not that I desire to finish that old life with someone but I would like to find a nice partner to share my life with again and to grow together. Another child would be a bonus but I’m also frightened about having another child with someone and that relationship not work out.

my friends often say “when you know you know” or that il feel sure when it‘a the right one and that’s how il know. But I’m starting to think the uncertainty is what’s been left with me now and that I will never feel sure

I should probably add that for a long time I said to myself I would never live with another man, have any other children etc but when I’ve sat down and really thought about it, that is what I want, as scary as it is

I think this is the issue. You really want to settle down and find the ‘one’ again so you are rushing into things and trying too hard. 4 relationships in 5 years is a lot after a broken marriage.
best thing would be to have some time alone, to get over the break up properly, learn about who you are now, and what you really want rather than looking to find a new man to complete you.

Thank you. This is the 3rd relationship in over 5 years. The other two lasted around 5 months

Six months is so short a time, and then layering a new break up on top each time.

Have you considered some counselling to properly get over the break up?

It could be you want to replace the lost relationship to avoid the reality/fear/shame of being alone.

Thank you. I have had a lot of counselling, I feel like I have moved on a lot from my direct. The residual feelings left of the betrayal I honestly don’t feel will ever go

If you don't like the way he live then you're not suited for each other, and there's nothing wrong with that. Be smart enough to know that people rarely change and what you see is usually what you get. Draw a line under it and move on.

I think this is the issue. You really want to settle down and find the ‘one’ again so you are rushing into things and trying too hard. 4 relationships in 5 years is a lot after a broken marriage.

Well, it's actually three relationships and I honestly fail to see the big deal. The op hasn't moved them in, hasn't even introduced them to her kids, and she only dated them for around five months. That's what people do when they're single and they are hoping to find a lasting relationship.

I think you're doing just fine, op. You're testing the waters and throwing back the ones you weren't suited for. That's what you're supposed to do and it's the opposite of being desperate for a relationship.

Does your BF have his own DC's already too, or is he still living a parental responsibility free bachelor life? If its the latter, you may well be incompatible and at different life stages.
You've got a point with the risk of having more children in another relationship, can't think why you'd want to do it all again and risk it again. Are you not busy enough with being a single parent to the ones you have? I suppose if you see parenthood as a career choice, maybe there is time in life fore it, but that's an even bigger risk if a SAHM. Is your BF ready to settle down? Would he want marriage within a time frame of having more? You've got a lot of steps to get through before considering more DC's as until you introduce him to the ones you have, you won't gain insight into what he would be like as a parent - sexist comments dressed up as 'lads humour' is not an impressive start.

Surely what is what you're doing? Examining your feelings could result in you dismissing or respecting the problem, couldn't it?

If you're considering dismissing the problem because your feelings are being daft, ask yourself why you're willing to do that. Why you're willing to say 'My feelings? Oh, yeah, they're not really important in the grand scheme of things.'