Avoidant style partner

[Ellbella]

Hi there,

been with my partner for 4 years with a 1 year old little boy. My partner works extremely long hours up at 4am home at 8:30/9 every night. It’s had a toll on our relationship, sex life, connection everything. He is dedicated to work which I admire however it’s hard especially with his lack of emotion and desire to want to get close.

I would love to have emotional conversations and want to be able to talk about things. However he is so shut off and emotionless it’s impossible. I tried speaking to him about my not so good relationship with my mum, which since having my son has really affected me more than ever and he knows this. He basically replied saying if you’re looking for emotion you’re not going to get it from me. This hurt and made my assumptions a reality that he is incapable of having that type of conversation. A lot of our relationship is good, we get on we’ll most of the time and do truly love each other, but I’m just struggling to wonder how and why I should put up with little to no emotion with the person who I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Every time I bring this up to him it’s the same answers of I know I need to do better but seems to fall in the same trap literally a day later. He’s a generally quite a quiet and reserved person but has never been this severe. I feel like I don’t know anything about him and when I do try to ask it seems as though I’m asking too much/being nosey. Sorry if I’m rambling on it’s just a lot and in need of some advice or acknowledgment I guess x

Isn’t he just exhausted OP? I mean imagine getting up at 4am and getting home in the evening. I couldn’t do that!

Most probably! I’ve explained that of course working less hours would probably help the situation slightly however this isn’t an option for him in order to get where he needs to get to. <His words

A relationship is based on care, and being interested in your partner and letting your partner get to know you. Your partner seems to be putting efforts into doing the opposite. It is hard to see how you could have an actual relationship with him if he doesn't want to do any of these things.

This pattern of shutting down conversation between you is concerning and is a bit of a red flag of a controlling dynamic. Have a read of this article below, to understand how controlling conversations can lead to controlling the relationship.

https://www.talkingwise.com/coercive-control-information

You can also find you excellent tube videos by the author of this article.

Unfortunately it is very common for these patterns to show up clearly once a woman has fewer options to leave, eg. After having a child.

It is good you are writing your thoughts down and getting clear on what is going in.

I’m just struggling to wonder how and why I should put up with little to no emotion with the person who I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with

I'm struggling to understand how and why you think you're 'supposed' to spend your life with a person who doesn't show you the emotion you need and want.

Hey OP. Came across your thread and wanted to say I'm in a very similar situation . My partner is definitely an avoidant attachment style and since having our child his 'avoidant' traits escalated . Work and the gym was his priority and family came next. Whenever I tried to speak about my feelings he would shut down and say it felt like we were in a therapy session.
It got to the point where my emotions slowly switched off, after months of trying, I stopped loving him. We decided to separate and lo and behold he's decided he now wants to change and be better. We've been trying to work through things but deep down I feel like I know I deserve someone who can love me how I need to be loved, and give to me what I give to them - support love affection empathy kindness etc.

Hope your doing okay and just wanted to say your not alone :-) x

My DP didn’t do emotions (as he said). He was great at practical things when my mum died and would give hugs and be there. But the aftermath of talking about how I felt was lacking.

any discussion of how I was feeling in our relationship was shut down. Unless it was praise or love. I eventually shut down and we broke up. I couldn’t walk on eggshells. It was not like I wanted deep conversation, but for him to listen, understand and let me express. He didn’t want to do emotions as he thought it made him weak.

We have got back together and he said he needs to get better at emotions. He recognised it’s a pattern that ruined past relationships before. But meeting his family they are all like him, so I can see why it’s hard.

he is better and will chat about things now or listen. I am not asking to hear about his deepest thoughts or hours of emotional chat. But now he can be vulnerable in front of me and will support me emotionally if needed. It’s just the small things like him telling me he was stressed at work that helps us. I thought stress was weakness, but now knows it’s ok to say when he is not ok.

it can work if he wants to change.