The Ex won

[ShonesM]

I think I just need to rant really and get some perspective on this whole thing. Sorry it is a bit long.

I met a guy back in October 2023 (he had just split from a long term partner, no kids with her) but didn’t start dating him until January 2024. Things were very good straight away between us. I know things were very one sided as I only heard his side of things but she seemed very controlling and volatile. She was the one who ended things between them in the October. For context she stays with her husband still, she will not divorce him despite being "engaged" to the guy in this story.

We were out in a pub together a few months ago and as we were leaving we bumped into her. She was clearly upset and I did feel for her. She ended up liking things on his social media (which she had never normally done) but blocked him on just about everything after. There was no real contact from her for a few weeks but about 3 weeks ago we had a get together at his place with all the kids (all old kids of drinking age). We were all having a good time and she began ringing him. I saw her name come up on his phone and I have to say I was a bit annoyed. She kept ringing and ringing and eventually we all said just go answer it. He left the room and went upstairs to ring her but got no answer and when he turned around there she was stood in his bedroom doorway!

He had a conversation with her and got her out the house without any issue but I am not sure what was really said between them. We were all unaware of this as we were in a different part of the house.

After she left he told me what had happened and she continued to try and call him that night and wanted him to meet her. He switched his phone off. What annoyed me was he kept making excuses for her behaviour instead of acknowledging that was not on.

He left a few days later to go abroad and returned a last week. I went to see him and I felt a subtle change to him but things still seemed good between us and he’d been ringing and texting me while away.
So this weekend I see him on Friday and all is good then on Saturday he receives bad news about a mutual friend of his ex who died suddenly. He was understandable upset but I realised she must have been in touch to tell him the news so they were back in contact. He was meant to come to mine on Saturday night but didn’t come as he was “ill” and couldn’t make it. After zero contact from him on Sunday I thought I would go around to his to see if all was okay. I arrived at his house at the same time as him and he’d been out for a walk to “sort his head out”. He said he was really stressed with work, his ex and a few other things going on. But he looked me in the eye and said we were okay and he wasn’t going back to his ex.

Sunday night I am dumped! He said it wasn’t anything to do with his ex, it was stresses and needing to sort things out.

But on Monday morning I pass his house during a work call and see his ex’s car in the drive!
Gutted to say the least and feel like a complete fool!
Why would he want her when she clearly has some issues and not only me but his friends have tried to get him to see how manipulative she has been towards him over the years. He is basically a meal ticket for her and he just cannot see it. Not only that but his kids cannot stand her and will literally walk out of the room when she walks in. why would he chose her over his kids?

Is it me or is something just not right here?

IMO you do not know the whole story. Not even 10% of it.
Best well out of it. You were sadly used, I think.

Ex didn't win and you didn't lose, it's not how it works and that man isn't a prize, he's a human being with his own decision making abilities which should be respected no matter how questionable.

She sounds nuts. You shouldn't have that kind of baggage in a new relationship. I'd have actually left a man who came with that much drama, absolutely not worth it. Dust yourself off, and focus on yourself and moving on.

I suspect he's told you and he's friends a bunch of horseshit tbh and as pp said, there's much more to this than meets the eye.

If I were you I would block him. Before he does another uturn. I don't know about her, but he's a waste of space.

I think you've had a lucky escape.
Don't be surprised if he starts painting you out to be a crazy ex now too.

Sorry to say it, but he's been playing you both all along. Who knows why he 'chose' her? Who cares? Whatever the reason, you're well rid of him and his drama.

She won a prize off the bottom shelf op.. Aim higher for yourself...

All the bullshit he told people about her, he will now be saying about you. And he will be back to see if he can still have you. Don't go there ever again.

His ex hasn't won. You're the one that's won freedom from a total arsehole.

Doesn't seem like it now maybe but this is a lucky escape for you and a huge win. This is way too much drama. Block him, lick your wounds, and don't take him back when he comes crawling back with the latest sob story.

Aim higher than the ground for your next partner, and if he has a "crazy ex" I'd run for the hills if I were you.

She is still living with her husband, having a relationship with him, and he was having a relationship with you. Classy. Sounds like you are best off out of this one.

Delete, block and chalk this one up to experience.

One of my friends was in a similar position with a man a few years ago. This man was single and he really did not not know what he wanted. He had been dealing with some other issues as well. He kept coming back to my friend between his other lady friends. My friend arranged to meet him one day and of course he course he let her down at the last minute.
Shortly after this my friend found out that he had a new girlfriend. The same girlfriend was pregnant within a year.
Since then my friend has heard several things about him via someone they both know.

He contacted my friend a while ago and they met up. He wanted to get into a friend's with benefits situation with her. My friend told him that they could be friends only.
My friend won't get involved with him because of his current situation and nor is she interested in a fwb situation either. She is currently building up her own life and in time is due several inheritances that he is unaware of.

Some times things happen for a reason that we may be upset with at the time but down the line you realise that you had a lucky escape. The reality is that you can walk away from this man and learn to spot the red flags before your next relationship.
These men everything was there ex's fault or they were crazy, controlling, bossy ect when in a lot of cases he was the man's problem.
Block this man and move on with your life. Do the freedom program on-line as well to help you get into a better relationship going forward.

I swear this is the plot of a story from 1980s Dynasty. Involving Alexis, Krystal and Blake, and massive shoulder pads and a lot of hairspray.

Thank your lucky stars that this has happened. It was never going to be happy ever after with this guy. He clearly is a coward and still in love with his wife.

Move on.

You were used, it happens. Now, thank your lucky stars that you are free and go find some happiness.

He got dumped by his ex and was not over her, unfortunately you have probably been a rebound and a tool to make her jealous with, which appears to have worked. Any chance he didn't go abroad alone? It would fit with the change since.
Best to always steer clear of someone so recently out of a LTR, these are the risks, it's likely you will just be a fling.
Look back and put it down to a learning experience, it's only been 3 months, yet he's introduced you to his friends and family - that's quite enthusiastic. Was there any lovebombing going on maybe?

If some of the tales are true, he's got his work cut out, and much though you think she has won, undoubtedly he has lost. Once he realises he's been trauma bonded, she will find him less fun to be around. Don't do the 'pick me' dance, better to be out and away from their drama.

You dodged a bullet there. I agree that you’ve only been given half the story and it’s better that it happens now than years down the line.
He’ll now be telling her all the shit that he said about her to you so don’t fall into the trap of contacting him. That will be used as part of the “crazy” narrative and be an ego boost for him.
You deserve someone available and honest. block him and move on 💐

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. I 100% know I need to just move on and I know, in time, it will hurt less. It’s not my first rodeo in heartbreak unfortunately! I realise now he’s probably lied to me through the 3 months together, most certainly last week. Onwards and upwards!

Hahaha love this!

Classic drama triangle, both of them thrive off this and clearly the husband isn’t a good enough third wheel anymore not providing the drama this pair crave.

They will look for another third, now you’re out the picture so he may crawl back.

Seriously, this is a dynamic that won’t stop because they both appear to crave it.

You deserve better than this.