When your dreams are very different

[12345fallendragon]

Me and DH have been together a number of years and are just about to have our second DC.

We live in a 2 bed flat. When DS was born 3 years ago, this was fine as we had a spare room for them, but we've found out that DC2 will be a girl, so need a bigger place with a bedroomeach for them. We are mortgage free and have some savings, so can afford to move.

The only problem is, DH is adamant that he wants to do a self build- he thinks that we'll get more for our money doing this and can create the perfect home for us. He's thinking "forever home" with solar panels and eco friendly so that it's cost effective and future proof.

The thought of doing this fills me with dread. I really have no interest in a self build, even if it saves us money or we'll get a better house out of it at the end. I'd prefer to just move somewhere that is ready to move into, needs no work and I'll know exactly how much I'm paying for it, there'll be no hidden costs, unanticipated fees, and won't have to deal with a building site whilst the house is being erected.

DH will project manage and do what he can to save costs, and he says if I want I don't have to do anything for the build, he'll handle it all so that I don't have to deal with the stress of different trades, etc but I'm just not happy with the idea full stop, even without the stress being taken away from me.

There is no compromise here. We either build a house, or we buy a house to move into. Neither of us want to budge on what we want. He doesn't even want to buy a house now and do the self build later on in life. He thinks that now whilst we have funds and a mortgage free place to live is the perfect opportunity.

Where do we go from here? I don't want this to end our relationship, but it's seeming more and more likely as we both want completely different things.

How long would a self build take?

You don't need separate bedrooms until the children are older.

I think if you are ok in the flat, can afford the self build now that you should look at it again.

Once it's done it's done. Better now so kids can have the childhoods, think 5-11 years, in a perfect space

I wouldn't rule it out but I would want to go through the details with a fine tooth comb first.

Do not do self build unless you’re 100% committed.

We did a very major building project which DH was more enthusiastic about than me and it very nearly ended our relationship. It was so, so stressful (and cost lots more than expected), that I became resentful of having been dragged through the awful experience. DH resented me for not pulling my weight. Avoid!!

Show him that episode of grand designs down in Devon …. the kids grew up before it was finished and his wife left him

Is he an architect/builder? Does he have relevant experience that makes him think he will be able to do a self-build?

This sounds like a really hard situation. Having struggled in previous relationship just in a house renovation, I can't imagine what it would have been like doing a full build.

Where would you live when the build happened? Has he got a realistic budget? Does he know good builders?

I guess I'm wondering if this is a complete pipe dream and that's why you are worried- or if you'd be against the idea even if he was a professional builder/architect or something.

If you were very rich and could afford for it to take years and to live elsewhere comfortably while it happens, I'd agree with him it's a great idea. If you're not, I would be on your side. Particularly with two young children- is it really where he wants all his time and energy to be going?

I'd suggest buying a house that you can add value to, by extending/renovating - and say maybe you could do a self-build later if that goes well...

You miss out the most important thing… does your DH have the skills to do this? Or is he completely ignorant to how difficult it’s going to be.
I’d love to own a restaurant… it’s a dream …but it’s going to stay as a dream as I know I’d be absolutely useless at front of house and managing staff.

Just say no. No one needs a project like that when you're pregnant, have a toddler and are presumably both working. As a pp says consider a doer upper if you really have to, but not something where you have to start from scratch. Where would you live meanwhile?