Ignored and excluded by Mum and Brother

[Hurtandupsetagain]

I feel so hurt by the way my family is behaving and I don’t know whether to maintain a dignified silence or let them know how much they hurt me. If I do the later I think that would mean I would probably never see them again.
My parents ( in their 80s) live 15 mins away. My brother (divorced) regularly comes to say with them in the school holidays with his kids (early teens). On a previous occasion he had come to visit and neither of them let me know. Despite asking I wasn’t told the next time either. It’s just happened again.
I just want to pop over for a cup of tea and a catch up. I would be happy for them all to come over for a meal or something but I feel like I’m being deliberately left out. I can’t think why they would be like this. Am I being precious?

But aren’t you in touch with your brother on a semi-regular basis?

Thanks for replying. Yes I am but his plans are always last minute because of his work so I’m told he’s not sure when he’s coming up. Then I find out he’s been and gone. I will admit that I just don’t want to ask any more as I feel I’m being fobbed off and it hurts.

Maybe he just wants some time with your parents? Do you live close so you can frequently visit them?

Sorry just saw your 15 mins from them. How often do you travel to him?

Yes I live close to my parents so I could visit them any time. Brother lives too far away to visit for the day and he has nowhere for me to stay at his so if I don’t see him when he’s up here then I don’t see him at all.

Have you actually asked him or your parents to let you know when he's coming over? That way, if they don't, then you have some basis to your suspicion that you're being left out.
I am I thinking that even though they're 15 mins away, you don't see your parents that often? It sounds like you're not that close a family if you don't know what plans are happening when? Is there something more to this OP?

I have asked in the past but neither of them let me know and Mum said he was too busy to come over. I’ve said I’m happy to just pop round for a cup of tea if that’s the case. So I guess I do know that I’m being left out but I can’t work out why.
My parents used to pop over and see me about once a week and I would pop over and see them. Those visits from them too me have dwindled. I don’t think they have been over here since Christmas. If I don’t get in touch with them then I wouldn’t hear from them at all. Mum seems to have this idea in her head that I’m always out doing something but it’s not true. I have one thing that I go to regularly which is on once a week.
When my brother is up they arrange to see my adult daughter and her partner. I don’t see her very often as she treated us very badly in the past (drug abuse, lying). So it makes it more confusing that they make time for her and not me.
I know it’s not possible for anyone reading this to work out what’s going on I other peoples heads fir me but thank you for reading. I know I probably just need to accept that there’s nothing I can do about this and live with it.

About knowing peoples plans. I think I share everything that’s going on in my life and with family. I’d always let them know who I’ve seen and how they were. I don’t get the same back unless I specifically ask - have you seen so and so?

Mum seems to have this idea in her head that I’m always out doing something but it’s not true. I have one thing that I go to regularly which is on once a week.
Are you still working or retired @Hurtandupsetagain it does seem you are ruminating on this if you're only doing 1 thing a week?

I’m retired and I’ve been stuck at home a lot as the weather has been so bad and I’ve had this cold that’s gone on and on. Maybe you’re right and I am ruminating on this too much. I couldn’t get to sleep last night for ages because of it.

I'm kind of in two minds about this just because we had the opposite situation.

Whenever we went up to see PIL they would invite SIL and family over.

At the time it was me, DH, and our twins.

SIL has had kids every two years and at the time we were going up to see them she had five kids.

I'll be honest, we did get overwhelmed. We'd go up to see PIL and suddenly there would be an extra five kids around the place and PIL would spend all of their time with SIL's kids.

We dropped hints politely at first that we were finding it a little overwhelming and would like to spend some time with just PILs. It didn't really work so we ended up inviting PILs to ours and going on day trips etc because we wanted to build the relationship between our kids and their grandparents.

Your brother might just want to spend some time with his parents.

If you want to catch up with him, how about inviting him up to yours? Or suggesting meeting up half way?

I can see that you feel left out but at the same time it's reasonable of him to want to see his parents on his own sometimes.

When my brother is up they arrange to see my adult daughter and her partner. I don’t see her very often as she treated us very badly in the past (drug abuse, lying). So it makes it more confusing that they make time for her and not me.

That makes it a lot less confusing.

They are prioritising a relationship with their granddaughter/niece. You have chosen to step back from that relationship. However justified that was, it has a knock on effect with all other family relationships.

I am sorry you are hurt, it’s painful to feel
left out by your family. Your brother and his family are travelling to see their parents/grandparents and aren’t as concerned about seeing their sister/aunt.

I admit I frequently see my father and not my brother in the same town. I love him, but I’m much closer to my dad. If DB is around, sure, it’s nice to have a chat over a coffee, but my main relationship is with my father. My brother has his own large extended family to be busy with.

Ah, I see you say that your brother has kids and they are early teens.

He is probably very busy, and working quite hard to keep a relationship going between his kids and his parents. Early teens tend to want to go out with their friends and do activities with peers not visit family.

He is probably also very busy if he has a family at that stage.

Can you offer anything that his young teens would want to do?

I'm just imagining that the teens probably find a catch up over coffee or a meal very boring, and you'll get better family engagement if you can keep them occupied/offer something they want.

I understand that and I know he’s really close to them. I was just hoping that they would be ok with a short visit while they were up.
I agree it’s very boring for his kids to visit as mine are grown up now although they all used to play together when they were younger.

I think I worry that I’m that boring old aunt that nobody really wants to spend time with.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It’s difficult for me to talk about these feelings in real life and I’ve found it very helpful.

Oh I hear you!

I am older and medically retired, I'm disabled and use a wheelchair.

I absolutely am the old person who is boring and people don't really want to spend time with. It's not fun!

Your brother might be more amenable to a catch up when he doesn't have his teens. As he's divorced he's probably trying hard to be a great dad.

Personally I try to meet up with family members and go to plays/cinema/shows etc as then I'm less boring and there is a focus.

I had something similar for ages op and it turned out db’s family would just hop in the car and off they’d go. I read into it, analysed it, told mum and brother to make sure to let me know and I got really paranoid, then one day they asked could they come over Because they hadn’t seen me in so long (it had actually been over a year and a half) and I realised how busy he was. Might not be the same but it could honestly be that they just didn’t think

Aww I don't think anyone is a boring old aunt. It'd be lovely in these circumstances if families were closer. But then you hear some horror stories on here and think, mm, maybe not! 💐

I think there might be something in your partial estrangement from your daughter that is colouring their behaviour. Obviously I don't know how or why, but I have a feeling this has a bearing on things. Not much help but maybe a different perspective.

Sorry to hear about your health problems @Octavia64. Good idea about suggesting an activity. I did try mentioning a Japanese restaurant as they were into that but I should have followed it up.
@stayathomer I think you are right. I know he must be very busy.
Thanks for cheering me up

I do wonder whether this is the case. There are two things going on here. Firstly the estrangement wasn’t of my making and it upset me greatly. I feel upset that the hurt done to me is ignored by the wider family but on top of that I think I’ve become rather sensitive to signs that other people may want to cut me off.

The other thing is that she may well have told some whopping lies about me to them. She unfortunately has form for this, though I only know of lies about other people not about me. She does it for sympathy particularly to deflect attention from her own behavior. It very sad.

@Hurtandupsetagain

"The other thing is that she may well have told some whopping lies about me to them."

Well, that's what I was diplomatically trying to say really. I think you already know some of the answers to your question unfortunately.

It seems to me, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation with your daughter, they're choosing to take her side.

I'm sorry, that must be really hurtful