Opinions please? Debating leaving after almost 10 years…

[Lucjay123]

I don’t know where to start really but feel like I need to vent. Been with my other half for almost 10 years… we have a 5 year old little boy.

I don’t know what I’m asking on here but I need to get it off my chest. He works away regularly and I’m starting to realise I’m just a nicer / better mum when he’s not around. When he’s home, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, on edge to make sure our little boy is quiet because just general noise of ‘playing’ just sends my OH over the edge.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep everyone happy. Chasing my tail etc. I feel like he has zero patience with our son, things that I just see as ‘playing’ etc when it’s just me and our son, he just gets stressed / angry over… is so short fused.

Has anybody been here?

LTB, both you and your son will be happier without him around sucking the energy out of everything.

Has he always been short fused, or has this developed over time? Make sure it's safe to leave before you do so.

@youuuin thank you- I think I just wanted to grasp some ‘strangers’ opinions because speaking to family / friends is difficult when they know too much if that makes sense. He’s always been like it - and I think I’ve just put up with it, but walking on these egg shells is making me so mentally unwell 😣
I just feel like his moods are so unpredictable. I’m such a stressy mum when he’s around because mentally I’m tired of trying to keep everybody happy / quiet

Turn it around and ask yourself why would you stay in this relationship.

Similar boat here OP. Have you had counselling / therapy?

what would happen if you were just yourself and let your son be himself. And stood up for yourself / stood your ground a bit more? Just curious. Absolutely not blaming you for being so accommodating to husbands moods etc

If you had a daughter would you want her to be in a similar relationship? If you wouldn't want it for her, you shouldn't put up with it for yourself.

Nobody knows what is going on in anyone else's marriage. Even friends and family. You need to do what you need to do for yourself. There's only you to look out for you and your boy.
best wishes.

Have you spoken to him about it?

My partner works away too and I realised that I was feeling similar and more relaxed when he wasn't around. For him it wasn't so much noise but mess that he would get worked up over. I think being away from home and not needing to tidy up after children made it hard for him to accept that kids come with some mess. I also found our routine would work really well but then when he came home, he didn't know the routine and things would go out the window which would have a knock on effect that usually led to an over-tired toddler or baby kicking off so it would be stressful. For a while I didn't say anything and felt like I was walking on eggshells. I got to the point where I felt like something needed to change or I would leave. I had a few deep heart-to-hearts with him about it, explaining how I felt and describing in detail what it was like for me. It seems to have made a huge difference for us. The mess still bothers him sometimes (btw this is very normal child mess- like when your house is spotless and then in the space of 2 minutes your toddler has emptied out a drawer or box of something, not dirt or anything) but he seems much more relaxed about it and I'm also far less apologetic so I don't feel so uptight about it now. If the mess bothers him then that's his issue.

I think on mumsnet people can be very quick to tell you to leave but I think that when there is a child involved, unless there is abuse or you are so deeply unhappy that there is no other choice to leave, I think it's worth exhausting other solutions first if you can. Would he be open to counselling if you don't feel like he would talk about it 1 on 1?

I was EXACTLY in this situation 9 months ago. Literally to the letter. i ended my marriags and whilst its been hard at times, its the BEST thing i ever did. I'm happier and my children are much happier too.

@Shoemadlady do you mind if I private message you? ☺️

Ultimately nobody knows your situation as you know it yourself. But with a 5 year old i wouldn't go live on a smaller income. That's my devil's advocate take. Does he participate in childcare? Does he take care of his children? Maybe he should be left with the kid a bit more, so that he can toughen up and understand he has needs and it's not your responsibility to make him happy around a child. If he is unwilling, then you won't be free from the people pleasing role until you leave.

Not at all x