Looking for a reality check

[Bathyspheres]

Hello, I need a reality check on my DP, been together 6 years. No ties together (because he wants it that way) I just need a reality check as I’ve just cried over this and feel pathetic.

We both have full on jobs, no kids, and I just feel like he never wants to be around me, he goes on separate holidays and will come back and say he needs time alone again that evening of the next day. Fair enough but I’m finding it so hard to keep an emotional connection going, I actually feel really ground down.

I have my own friends and hobbies but it feels like there’s no joy of point to us being together, I just went into the living room after not seeing him all day and was saying how beautiful it had been, and good news about work and ge started shouting at me that he needed to get something done. I need an outsider as I’m too embarrassed to open up to anyone else as I’m always happy go lucky.

Anyone else been in this situation, the thing is when he’s happy he’ll expect me to jump up like a doll waiting in a box! I’m bored of it.

Why are you with him? It sounds utterly miserable and, as you say, you have no ties.

I do care about him, I don’t know any more, I feel like a different person to who I was a few years ago, like really lost. But tonight has been the last straw for me getting shouted at

It doesn't sound like a good situation for you.

Just leave. He's a twat. Unless that's how you want to spend your entire life?

No it isn’t, just wanted some perspective

Been there done.
I gave him 12 years of my life. Of him stringing me along, throwing me a bone every now and then to keep me happy.

Get out now and you'll have a chance at finding someone who wants you, all of you.

Seems like it's a fork in the road time .
if you want to give him a chance and you love him you need to address this with him .
if he is willing to see it as it is , perhaps especially if the distance has grown over time and he wants to re connect you can work on it together

if not - then your relationship has run its course - but sometimes you can re grow together . It just takes effort from both it can't be just you

Thank you

Don't waste any longer on him. He won't ever provide what you want. Get out and either be happy alone, or find someone else.

This is NOT the man for you.

@ToBeOrNotToBee Im glad you are out of it, miserable isn’t it, I’m not even miserable now I’m just emotionless all the time like I’ve adapted to it. I know I sound pathetic typing this out!

I did speak to him about this and was very logical about it not really working and he gets so upset which I find confusing, like a kid with a toy, doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to go. I know it’s down to me isn’t it, I think sometimes you lose perspective.

You’ve been with him 6 years, so I guess this is who he is.

Have a good think about everything and try to imagine your life with him in 5 years, 10 years in the future.

Id also suggest you read up on what a good relationship looks like.

I know from personal experience things like this don’t improve.

Being with another person should complete you, not diminish you.

That is exactly it. I adapted to the relationship he was willing to give me. Despite it being nothing like the one I wanted.
Eventually I just became numb to it all. The disappointment, the broken promises, and the faked future.

Now I'm dating and the difference in how other men treat me and how my ex did is light and day.

I'm sad for the woman who spent 12 years and most of my fertile years with a man who couldn't even commit to getting a dog.

I can so relate to this, definitely the emotionless bit and feeling so different to how you were years ago. It really isn’t easy to leave especially when his words say he doesn’t agree (but continues to act this way).

I decided to leave. I’m 2 years down the line, we were married with 3 DC so it hasn’t been easy and I still feel some sadness that it ended but ultimately he wasn’t the person I wanted or needed him to be.

I hope you find the courage to leave and find someone who will treat you as you deserve.

What's the point?

Are you afraid of being on your own?

You're on your own emotionally already and denying yourself the opportunity of finding better.

He is horrible. He dosent care for you. When you become numb then you know its time to end things. I dated someone, many years ago, who loved to make me cry. One day I ended it with him. His response was 'I knew that was coming because you stopped crying.' Relationships aren't supposed to make you 'feel numb.'

@category12 no i love being on my own, I’ve felt cruel when I tried to end it and felt like I was being dramatic and then I suppose I got used to it.

He sounds like an absolute piece of shit. Cruel and selfish. The worst type of person to choose for a relationship. You’re just grasping a razor blade @Bathyspheres Holding on so tight and the pain just gets worse. Drop it.

Sounds like you're being manipulated.

Look at it another way:

You feel cruel when you tried to end it but he was never with you in the first place, he sees you as a convenience and nothing more. People in loving relationships don't treat their partners like yours does with you.

Be grateful you have no ties and can extricate yourself from this waste of space easily.

@Bathyspheres - it feels cruel to end it, so you’d rather be cruel to yourself by staying? It’s hard when you know a relationship has run its course but the other person feels differently. But you don’t owe him a relationship. Life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot. Do you want to spend it in a loveless relationship?

This is not the man for you, please don't waste any more time on him. I've been with my husband over thirty years, he is still the person I most want to spend time with and we enjoy each others company more than anyone else. I would be gutted if he treated me the way your boyfriend is treating you, you deserve a lot better.

He gets upset about you leaving because he doesn't want his life to change. You've realised it yourself - you're a toy in a box to him. A toy he likes playing with when it suits him, and a toy he tries to put away when he wants to do something else. What you want or need isn't important to him.

You shouldn't feel bad about ending this. You aren't a toy. Your life matters too. Your needs are just as important. This relationship does not meet your needs anymore.

I’ve felt cruel when I tried to end it

You can't keep being with someone out of pity, love.

If you're going to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry enough for yourself to end it and enjoy being by yourself or looking for someone who is nicer to you.