Is it normal for your marriage to go stale?

[bell1989]

Is it normal for the fire to burn out once you have children? Momentarily at least? I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and the spark between me and my husband has gone. I know that I still love him and he does me but I feel like we're passing ships. The romance has gone and we haven't been intimate in 5 months.

I'd say the problem is that you're passing ships and you need to try to make more time for each other - but also accept that that can be tricky when you've got two young children.

Well like anything that gets neglected goes stale. Obvs.

with that age kids it is really really hard. You both need to really really focus and plan things to do together. No on with two toddlers is having a lovely romance without a shit tonne of work going into it.

plan time alone
plan sex
plan date nights
plan watching the same stuff on tv so you have something to talk about.
Plan nice dinners at home.

Oh obvs you BOTH plan it !!! Not just you.

this is a quote from here that I re-read all the time, it is so true

Some advice I was given in marriage counselling was: make sure your most enjoyable moments (the moments that you’re happiest) are spent together, not apart. Otherwise, your whole relationship is based around the drudgery and mundane aspects of life, and conversations revolve around the kids and the house.

You have less time for each when kids come along but that doesn't mean the spark has to go.

If you take separate roles you are more likely to lose interest in each other but if the childcare is shared equally you both get down time and have more energy and interest in the other person and are more likely to have fun together, not just sex but actual fun, laughter, good cemented family time too.

It is ready to slide into this situation almost see noticing... But what counts is what you do next when you realise what has happened.
If you had passion, and life has got in the way it is possible to reignite the spark, but you have to make some changes. Luckily the changes needed aren't necessarily very difficult... When my DH and I were in this situation I found the most amazing book which got us through...
I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship https://amzn.eu/d/a4YqCfW

Can't recommend it enough. It isn't full of therapy speak or naval gazing, it's just totally on the money good solid advice that any couple could act on if they wanted to. Do yourself a huge favour and get it.

DH and I are ten years past this point now and I'd say we're stronger than ever, partly cos we came through this as a team.

Same. Though I don't think we ever went more than 3 weeks without sex, which definitely helped. Even if at times it was literally scheduled in for a set day/time because otherwise it wouldn't happen.

I think this is really good advice.

I didn't do any of this, myself and my then partner grew apart - we each had new roles, separate lives when the children came along.

I've no regrets now, I'm glad we are apart but if I was to do it all again I would remember this advice.

I have a seven year old and a one year old and I definitely feel this. We've also had a really difficult couple of years due to serious illness and so to say that our relationship has been put on the back burner is putting it lightly. However I'm hopeful things will improve in time, when we're not so ground down by the day to day drudgery (and joy of course!) of life with small children.

We did date night when ours were this age.

Pick one feasible night of the week. Ring fence it for couple time. Put the kids to bed, enjoy a nice meal together (order in, dine in for £10 etc). Plan a movie or something. Worked for us. Sometimes we'd just sit there in silence but we needed it.

It's not "stale". It's just weathering reality. Try and keep appreciating each other, be kind to each other. This too will pass.

@Geebray 👌

No way could we do date night once a week. But trying to watch a bit of TV together, cook a meal together once in a while - we could do that. "Date night once a week" is a pressure as well.

Date night once a month? Yes!

OP I could have written your post I’m in exactly the same situation. We do spend time together but I have no interest is sex, my body doesn’t feel my own somehow. I really hope we will get through this, I think it’s rather normal.

It's normal. Every couple with young children goes through it.

Don't feel pressure - just don't take life out on each other, and try to spend even a few minutes a day just having a hug or sitting close. Keeps the intimacy without pressure of sex.

You'll come out the other side.

Yeah this is how I see it as well. I have a low sex drive normally anyway though so tbh I don't really miss physical intimacy during these periods, although my DH really does. But I do miss just being able to be relaxed and carefree together that is so hard when you have little ones. I reckon by the time your youngest is 2 things will start to feel much easier OP.

It’s normal to be quite like ships in the night for much of the time at this stage, but it’s best to maintain some intimacy and 5 months is a long time to go without it. As PP have said, if you feel happy to have sex (perhaps from a maintenance perspective rather than being hugely libidinous), it’s probably a good idea to facilitate that just to keep some level of connection. Be careful not to just let things drift.

@PoochiesPinkEars thank you

Thank you for all your comments.

I think part of it comes from me being mentally exhausted of always planning things for us to do. The romance side for me is the lack of initiating a date night from my husbands side. I have mentioned it countless times but he doesn't seem to listen and I'm too exhausted to keep on initiating it.

At @bell1989 that sounds annoying. Has he been ok at this before ? What did he used to before kids to make you feel special, can you ask him to start doing that again ?

and get the book mentioned and both read it !

tricky tho if he isn’t making an effort.

@hollyandivyknickers I'll be honest when we were dating he was spontaneous. This lessened when we got married and then when we had kids well.... the effort stopped. Even socially aside from me he will
only go out when he's asked and when he does go out he enjoys it. It's just making 'that' initial effort he doesn't do it. A new local steakhouse opened and on at least 3 separate occasions he has said 'we should do this' and my answer each time has been "okay book it" But he hasn't. I don't have the energy to mention it because for once i would like him to take the lead. I've ordered the book, thank you.

Yeah I think dads of small kids get all their ‘thinking about others’ used up by the children so there is none left over for their wives !

how about you book it and make the effort and get something you want in return so you feel don’t resentful.

you book the steakhouse and arrange babysitting and in return get two lies in, or dodge a PIL visit or don’t have to empty the bins for a month?

How are things? It sounds like you’re putting too much into it. Planning etc. just have sex whenever the moment arises.