DH so emotionally guarded I barely know him

[Lolahola44]

Just to caveat this by saying that my husband is one of the good guys…kind, reliable, respectful.

And yet I’m getting increasingly fed up with never knowing how he feels about anything. He works in a job he neither loves nor hates (but never complains), he’s lost touch with all his friends from the past (but never comments on it or indeed talks about his younger life or his childhood), he sees his family once a year and gets on ok with them (but rarely mentions them apart from that). He seems to have no big feelings about anything. It’s impossible to have any kind of emotional intimacy with him.

His mother was pleasant enough but very emotionally unavailable and almost quite Victorian in a way..very stilted. He was upset when she died (about ten years ago) but has rarely mentioned her since. He doesn’t even know when her anniversary is (or at least, if he does, he’s never mentioned it to me).

He seems to exist perpetually in the present in this ‘ok’ state. Which I know isn’t the worst thing in the world..but it’s making me lonely. I didn’t feel it so much when we were younger, as he was great with all the practicalities of buying our first homes and pregnancy help.

I also feel that he’s slightly too dependent on me, in that he loves hearing my news about my family (I’m very close to them) and is often keen for me to arrange drinks with local friends. I struggle to see what he ‘brings to the party’ sometimes.

It’s not like I suddenly want him to be unhappy and pouring his heart out in distress, but he just seems to have no emotional vulnerability. He’s such a closed book in a lot of respects and I feel the gap is widening. I feel like I’ve emotionally outgrown him in some ways.

I know it's an obvious question but have you told him this?

What does he say?

The difficulty is that it's very difficult for someone who is closed off to open up. As much as it is for someone who is open to shut it down.

You say you're open emotionally and talk about people and things. I bet if you challenged yourself to go for an evening saying nothing, you'd be half way through your third conversation before you even realised!

That's not a criticism but something I've observed in myself. I'm not openly physical. My partner is the opposite. Very much so in fact. He has said it makes him feel like a pest or it's unwanted when he is physically affectionate but I'm not and he's asked me to give more. Eg i always ask him before i hug him, i dont just do it. Hes told me i dont ever need to ask. I've tried. And I can do it for a couple of days but then I'm back to my normal. I just don't notice that I'm doing it.

Unfortunately, this is his normal.

I can well understand how it makes you feel though.

That is so true @GreyCarpet I’ve actually done that with DH..tried saying nothing, but I quickly slip back into being my normal (chatty!) self!

I don’t think I’ve said anything directly although there have been a few times in the past when I’ve asked him how he feels about certain things (eg. stuff in his family that I’m curious about). He got a bit prickly (he’s normally very even tempered) so instinct told me not to go there…

I genuinely think some people - usually men - just don’t (allow themselves to) experience deep feelings. And can’t appreciate what it’s like to have those feelings. Like a world lived in black and white while we are in Technicolor glory.

Do you think he lacks empathy Op? You say he is kind, but does he understand your emotional highs and lows, does he support you through them and anticipate or understand your feelings?

I don’t think you will change him. I think you need to satisfy your need for emotional drama from your own friends and family.

Some people are like this because they've been discouraged from letting their feelings show in childhood. "Don't cry, pipe down, stiff upper lip" etc.

Read up on avoidant attachment. Diane Poole Heller's book The Power of Attachment is a good place to start.

I really, really don't know how you get all the way to marrying someone without realising such a fundamental aspect of their character that they've never hidden. Like... who did you think you were marrying? At the point of marrying him, how would you have described your husband's character?

It's who he is. He's not going to change. He shouldn't have to change this part of himself! Some people (not only men!) are just unemotional and that should be fine.

He sounds numb really which is negative

That's hard for you it sounds like trying to connect with a ghost, I understand. I've had my own experiences of feeling emotionally distant, so I can relate. Therapy helped me a lot, my therapist said it's basically when you're quite sensitive you successfully split off/disassociate the part that got hurt but it's unconscious.

Watching with interest. If I am quite mine asks if I am upset. There is just nothing forthcoming from him that’s evert meaningful- most times it’s just superficial news stuff or silence.

I don’t think he lacks empathy @UndecidedAboutEverything, but I think he is better suited to problems where there can be a solution. When I was looking for a new job, he was amazing. On the other hand, if I was to suddenly announce I was deeply depressed and didn’t know why, I suspect it would panic him inwardly..

He probably was similar when we married but life and circumstances were very different, I guess. The things that bother me in mid-life were barely a flicker in my mind in my mid-twenties. We were busy scraping together money for a mortgage and going to a whirlwind of weddings. The biggest thing I reflected on back then was whether I could justify another new dress from Coast!

He sounds like my DP and yes its very lonely. Have you considered he might be on the spectrum? Mine has recently discovered that he has Aspergers.

I think a lot of men prefer to deal with problems where there is an immediate solution. It seems to come easier to them.

I had the opposite issue with my last partner. I'm busy dealing with all the issues of running a dept, raising a teen, practical stuff where I run just to keep up. He complained that I never opened up to him.

He didn't seem to notice I had my hands full, didn't have time or the energy for deep emotional contemplation and I found it intrusive and exhausting.. I was perfectly happy to listen to his problems but couldn't understand why he wanted me to invent some of my own (or that was how it felt).
I was focused on getting through the month.
Maybe your dh is happy with the status quo and doesn't feel the need to go deeper. He's focused on getting through daily life without upset. It doesn't mean he's hiding anything, just he doesn't need to go there at the moment.

My DH is also like this OP. Very ‘just existing’ in demeanour and attitude.

It takes a fair bit of talking to open him up but he seems happy with how he is and he is kind, respectful and thoughtful.

He’s always been this way though and he knows exactly what he’s like. It’s never really bothered me though. If I’m struggling to read his emotions I tell him so and then we figure it out together

Why did you marry him?

Yes I would agree with this. He is probably completely unconscious of it, and in essence the work is his own to do. The difficulty is that often we don't realise these things until the rug is pulled from under us in some way. I wouldn't recommend you read up on his attachment style, I would recommend you speak to him and tell him you are finding an increasing distance with him and you both decide where you want to go from here.