The looks wind me up

[FaceAche2]

My DH is constantly moaning. When he's not moaning he does these arsehole facial expressions. It really winds me up. I do so much and feel like it's never enough. His face is so contemptuous.

Anyhow, today. I get the kids up. I get them breakfast, I unload and reload the dishwasher, I put a load of laundry on, get them dress for school, get their hairs done. He brushes their teeth and walks them round the corner to school. Anyway, he picks up their water bottles, rolls his eyes, does a fuck she can't even do the water bottle properly face, tightens the bottles and huffs it the door.

I am a SAHP, not by choice, and he work. I do 90+ % of everything child and house related. I honestly can't do anymore for anyone. The arsehole comments, noises and eye rolling really impact my MH.

If I raise anything he diverts and he deflects. He'll tell me what I did to piss him off a week ago that he didn't raise at the time. He will start telling me how I upset it ofend him.

Anyhow, I'm so fed up of it. I've suggested counselling over the last 5 years, previously he wasn't interested and now it's not financially viable.

Does anyone else have experience of the face like a smacked arse or cross between Kevin and Perry and Victor Meldrew husband?

Go back to work and split the house/children jobs.

Regain some equal footing it seems he thinks you are more his house elf than wife.

He will be getting all the credits for being a good dad taking the kids to school too

Yes, he'll be hurrying into school saying to anyone who listens what a nightmare it is to get the kids out of the house on time, implying he's done everything.

If the children are in school and he can take them, OP, then I'd go back to work. And look at my ducks, and line them up, too.

I can't go back to work. I have no childcare. I don't have anyone who can help more than the occasional hospital appointment. Once the youngest goes into reception it will be more viable. The school has good wrap around provisions but they are only available to reception onwards. Unfortunately, even then the expectation is that I'll cover all school holidays and sickness. I don't really understand the holiday club provision. I think it only becomes available in year 1. I'll also need to be available for drop off and pick ups. He often doesn't get in until after bedtime. He can do drop-off on occasion but there isn't any rhyme or reason to it because his calender is constantly changing.

I used to work in a school but I don't have the capacity to work with kids anymore. I haven't got the patience anymore. I do have a degree but will have to retrain.

Also, I imagine I'll still end up doing everything regardless of working full time. I don't imagine the distribution of labour will change hugely.

He definitely doesn't talk to anyone on the school run ever. He really isn't that sociable.

It’s because you don’t work. My DH was like this when I was on maternity leave. I work part time now and he’s better so I don’t think the respect is there.

Honestly, if you're with someone who treats you with contempt, there's little hope. I'm sorry, it's soul-destroying. Also not great for your children to grow up in an atmosphere of muted warfare.

It's probably past time to work out exactly what will happen if/when you split, then make a decision on whether to break free or resign yourself to a lifetime of ignoring your mean-minded husband.

Meanwhile - and this is a sticking-plaster suggestion - try bigging yourself up!
"I've done the X, Y, Z, doesn't the child/house/dinner look great?"
"I've been really busy with Activities A & B, Child C's done really well on their maths test! How was your day?"
Be your own cheerleader.

He is a gold digger. He gets to work and earn money because YOU are propping him up by doing the domestic labour for free.

He is treating you like a slave. Stop doing anything for him.

What do you get from this relationship?

If he only respects you when you do paid work as opposed to looking after his children, op isn't the only one with a problematic relationship. DH doesn't respect me less for doing full time childcare and most of the house stuff, he respects me the same as he did when I worked because I'm the same person he loves

This is so true.

What are your financial arrangements? Does he give you a good percentage of his wage for you to have your own money?

Does he pay into a pension for you?

What is the financial balance if you do all the child/house contributions?

Sometimes you find that while a couple decide to have children, there's only one who actually realises it involves parenting, while the other stops at procreation. Was he different after your first? The clues have probably been there a while.
Doesn't matter what his expectations are, it's up to you to give him some stark reality. It's good there's wrap around care, not all schools have it. If you don't know how it works, ask them and find out. You could start off PT, see how that goes, extend as they become older.
As far as his looks go, ignore, don't watch, or smile back in response.Maybe get practicing your best look of disdain yourself.

We are both equally skint. Everything comes out of one pot. We don't have much left over and it goes entirely on the kids.

Kids can do that, expensive things to have, probably why people tend to have one or 2 these days and the birthrate is going down in general. Next gen not leaving home till 30's as housing too expensive, probably means even less DC's for most.

This.

So what is the alternative?

You can’t afford to go back to work right now and even when you do you won’t be allowed to take your career seriously because you will be expected to still sort the wrap around care and do holidays, sickness etc?

Other than retraining as a child minder (but you’ve said you no longer want to work with kids) then I don’t know what option would allow you that level of flexibility.

the main thing that stands out is he needs complete flexibility regarding his job but he clearly isn’t a high earner because you’re skint, without childcare costs? So he gets all the flexibility and everything worked around him but even earn enough to even slightly warrant it?

You might be better off alone OP, at least when youngest gets into reception. You could work and get a UC top up plus maintenance, or if he didn’t want to pay maintenance you’d have him for childcare 50% of the time and could work?

It’s no way to live, build a thick skin, do some research on solid job choices with really flexible hours or remote opportunities and count down the days until you can leave.