Is this narcissistic abuse?

[Rbcks124]

I need advice on whether this is narcissistic abuse? My partner of 1 and half years can be the most loving and caring person until his mood changes. I can sense the change coming, his whole personality shifts even his mannerisms change. He becomes angry at everything I say and I can’t say anything right without it triggering an argument. This is always on a weekend or approaching the weekend. After an argument, resulting from this he will go out drinking and taking drugs and message me a day or two after asking if we are still together. Usually blaming me for him going out and insulting and calling me names yet taking no accountability for his own actions. I love him a lot so always end up taking him back but I’m really at the end now as it’s affecting my mental health. We have broken up almost every two weeks since getting together for the same reason. I found out a few months ago that when we had split up he met someone else in a bar and had been texting her. I only found this out as she rang his phone when we were together, he lied saying it was someone from years ago. I messaged her myself and found the truth out which was far from what he told me. I have a gut feeling he is cheating on me everytime we argue and he goes out. Am I paranoid for thinking this or would anyone else be the same? The name calling and insults really get me down and he will always justify it by picking out things I have said or done to make him call me. He says he loves me and wants to settle down but I don’t think he would act this way if that was true, I feel totally unappreciated and disrespected when this happens. Currently he has messaged me today saying are we together and when I’ve expressed how he’s made me feel he has told me to leave him alone and it’s over.

he has told me to leave him alone and it’s over.

Leave him alone. Job done.

Your boyfriend is abusive and this will not change.
No need to try and understand if this is narcissistic abuse. It is abuse.
Do not waste your time and energy on him. He will not change.

Don't get drawn back into this. Think carefully about whether this is the kind of relationship you want for life and whether you would want a bring a child into this chaos (if you want children at some point).

You are part of this dynamic too. If you want something better than this you need to actively step away from it.

Text him back agreeing that it's over.

Have you not realized that he's deliberately causing an argument so that he CAN just swan off out at the weekend ?

He's an asshole. You need to raise your bar where it comes to what behaviour you are willing to put up with just to hang onto a truly horrible 'relationship'.

"I have a gut feeling he is cheating on me everytime we argue and he goes out. Am I paranoid for thinking this or would anyone else be the same?"

This is exactly what he is doing. He is deliberately causing the arguments so that he gets a "free pass" to behave how he wants when he goes out, knowing full well you'll take him back on the Monday.

Why would you put up with this???

I don’t know the bloke, so don’t know whether his behaviour stems from narcissism or something else. However, whichever way you label it, he clearly is treating you extremely poorly, it is a pattern and it sounds like he gets a kick out of it.

I think the chances of him changing are vanishingly small and he will continue to treat you poorly until and beyond you losing any self esteem you have left.

I understand you feel bonded to him for whatever reason and it’s difficult to break the bond, but for your sake, you need to end whatever this ‘relationship’ is

I don’t think you need to be concerned with giving his behaviour a label. Dump him, block him. Job done. He sounds like such hard work — imagine 5/10/15 years of this 🤢

Think about yourself and what you want. Do you actually like this person ? How does he make you feel? Do you approve of his behavior ? The answers to these questions will tell you all you need to know.

He's not worth the suffering. He will not change.

Thank you so much for your replies, i don't love this side to him at all but when he's nice he's such a lovely person. But the behaviour when it’s bad is unbearable to deal with. He has messaged me today saying I have made no attempt to sort things out between us and that it is all about how I feel, yet there has been no apology for how he’s acted or acknowledgment that it’s wrong. I feel like I’m expected to just accept it and continue like nothing is wrong and take the blame which I am sick of doing. He has said he won’t be contacting me again to which I have decided to block his number and finally move on with healing from this.

Good decision to block him OP. Now stay strong and start concentrating on yourself, to make you feel good on your own. Spoil yourself with a nice walk, good food, a lovely bath , comfy clothes and a relaxing & funny comedy to watch. Call your friends, plan some outings. See your family. Go shopping.

Take care of you !

No. It is a shitty boyfriend. You do not need a label.

NPD is serious and absolutely awful/dreadful/dangerous/insideous.Takes years.

Please stay strong and focused on yourself OP. He will try and get through to you and get you to engage again. But it would just be a start of another cycle that would lead to the same old painful place.
It might be worth checking out Dr Ramani on YouTube as she has so much helpful content on what you are going through.

It may or may not be narcissistic abuse - there are some indicators there, most notably the lack of accountability.

But I think whether it is or isn't is irrelevant because what it definitely IS, is abuse and also extremely poor behaviour. He is forcing arguments, most likely so that he can go out without you. He may or may not be cheating. He says and does things that are cruel and unnecessary. He accuses you of things you have not done. He blames you for any and all problems.

This is not a healthy relationship and NOTHING you say or do will change how he behaves so end it while you still can.

He said it’s over? Great news OP. You are finally free and can move on. Block, don’t look back, whenever you feel responsible/guilty for the outcome come back to this thread and read what everyone has been saying about him.

Well done @Rbcks124 for blocking him , I know that wasn’t easy.

Now please book yourself in for some counselling and look for a self help group . Because you need to work out why you have stayed with a man who treats you so badly and had broken up with you twice a month for 18 months.

please PLEASE don’t date again until you’ve had some help. And don’t get into a FWB situation either, or you will go from one type of abuse to another.

You can’t win any arguments with people like this so it is good to just stop and end the relationship. Up until now you have thought that when you fight with him there are some magic words or actions that will bring back “lovely boyfriend.” But there aren’t. You can fight, argue, beg, plead or fall silent and he will continue to do as he pleases—oscillating between abusive and nice—because that is what he likes. That is how he likes to be. Your only choice is to submit or run away. Good for you for cutting and running . Now stick to it!

What do you mean by it takes years?

You get married/have a baby/buy a house. Become trapped. It is horrendous.They lie/cheat/gaslight/steal anything from you they can/harm your children/ruin your reputation/isolate you. Kill you.
You are describing a horrible boyfriend. Get out now. He is abusive NOW.

Hi OP. My dad has always been like this. You’d feel the atmosphere change, he would pick a fight with my mother and then disappear for a weekend or extended number of days drinking heavily. The inbetween times he was a different person. They’re in their 70s now and my mother has endured an awful life with him. Her resentment grew and grew. We grew up in such a volatile environment and none of it was my Mother it was his weird mood shifts almost like he needed an excuse to go drinking. He’s given into the drink now and I suppose you’d describe him as an alcoholic as much as it pains me to use the word. Don’t my my lovely mother. Please do yourself a really big favour and let him where he is, small pain now, big gain later. Choose happiness and those that are good for you.

i don't love this side to him at all but when he's nice he's such a lovely person.

Imagine being with someone who is nice 99% of the time, rather than 50% of the time? Because that's what you deserve @Rbcks124 someone who treats you with kindness and respect all of the time. It doesn't matter how you label it, it's shitty behaviour and you can choose to say no and walk away.

You've acknowledged that he isn't good for you, make a list of all the things you don't like about him, all the ways he let's you down. It really helps to take him off the pedastool.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard after only 18 months. Call his bluff and leave him alone; block him on everything and move on.