Handhold needed

[Timetoheal4good]

NC for this.

I've made the decision to walk away from my ex who has been emotionally and at times physically abusive in the past. He was my first relationship after the breakdown of my marriage. I know this person is dangerous for my wellbeing and I can't speak to anyone IRL because my family and friends would wonder why I have been in contact again. For reasons I struggle to even make sense of myself, I am drawn back to this person again and again despite his behaviour never changing.

I just really need a handhold, someone to tell me that I will eventually feel better. I feel so isolated and i just honestly wish I could click my fingers and get to a place that I feel better. The coercive control with me while we were together was to such an extent that i still sometimes find myself trying to follow the rules he had for me out of habit but he had someone in the background the whole time we were together and I don't know why this is hurting me so much. He micromanaged my life but he had someone else the whole time. I know he will be with her now, she knew about me and I just feel so stupid that I would still want someone like this. I'm in therapy but I just want to break away from this person altogether because I always find myself back there. Even if I manage to stay free of it all for a month.

You WILL get through this. Remember that there was a time in your life when you didn't know this person existed. In a similar way, in the future, they'll be a memory that rarely comes back to you.

Have you deleted all his info (phone number, social media etc) to resist the temptation to reach out? This feels impossible, but it's ALWAYS for the best.

Next, look to fill up your calendar. Book some things to look forward to. This can be anything from taking a book to a new cafe to a holiday. This will help to distract your mind. Got jobs to do around the house? Get them done! I also can't espouse enough the benefits of a long walk and a good podcast.

Yes, you'll think of him constantly at first and have a million imaginary conversations with him. That's totally normal. But as the weeks slide by, you'll find yourself thinking about him less and less.

I also recommend listening to "I Forgot That You Existed" by Taylor Swift. Even if you hate her, just give it one listen.

@LisaVanderpump1 thank you for your post. I haven't deleted his phone number or anything, I don't know why I'm finding it so hard. It's as though it feels like I'm letting go of hope. This in itself sounds insane because I know without a doubt that I need to break away. So why I'm still feeling that pull astounds me.

I am having these imaginary conversations all the time because I feel like all I want is closure - why did you treat me this way, are you treating her better, all the why's I am never going to get an answer to. My heart is hurting so much and i just wish I could find my anger and my resolve.

The only way forward for you is to block him contacting you, delete all means of you contacting him, it will be hard for you if you don’t have other people to help give you support. Be strong, no one should feel they are being controlled by anyone.

@Flatbellyfella thank you for your response. Believe it or not, I actually feel scared to do this because I know how alone I'm going to be in trying to keep up my resolve. I confided in my best friends before and they think that I've been doing so well. They were a great source of support before but they would be so disappointed to know this is where I'm now at. It feels so daunting and it's like I'm not a strong enough person anymore. I honestly don't know what's happened to me. I know if I don't just find the strength and cut all communication then I'll just be doomed to repeat this cycle again and again and I can't take any more but my heart and my head just feels fragile.

I can understand you feeling scared to share the current situation with your friends, but if they're good mates, you've absolutely no reason to be. More than likely, they'll have been in a similar situation of hanging onto someone that's no good for them, and will understand how you've found yourself in that position too.

I would NEVER be disappointed in a friend for something like this, and I would hate the idea of them struggling alone because they were scared about my response. You've said they were a great source of support before, and I'm sure they'll be happy to offer that again.

While ever you have the means of contacting him and he has the means of contacting you, he still has a hold over you. Don't give him that power. Take back control. The temptation is to not block or delete his info incase he reaches out with answers/explanations. But he won't. And even if he does, can you believe anything he says, given he's a pathological liar? Every time you think of him, thing of all the crappy things he's done and the awful person he's shown himself to be. Hell, write those things down if it helps! And thank your lucky star's you've got away and an opportunity to start over.

I hear you @Timetoheal4good . Have you heard of trauma bonding?

I found that learning why my husband behaved the way he did helped me heal a lot. In that it was him and not me. I was so glad he moved on to the other woman because his behaviour towards me made me hate him by the end but that was the thing - the cheating, above all of the abuse, some of which was horrendous - that hurt me the most. It's fucked up, but abuse is meant to fuck you up.

It takes a huge amount of willpower and self control not to contact them or listen to news about them. I was desperate for news, hopefully bad, but it didn't take me long to realise that any thought or knowledge of him, or her, made me feel worse. So cutting off ALL potential sources of information is the way forward.

There is absolutely no point in telling him how you feel or looking for answers because (a) abusers only feel pleasure at your pain and (b) you will not get the answers you deserve. He will lie, twist it, it'll be your fault, you'll be crazy - you'll have heard it all before. There is no closure with an abuser.

He might be treating her well just now, just like he did with you in the beginning. There will come a time, many times, when she'll realise that the dream she had of being you is a nightmare in reality.

I agree with PPs, fill your life with as much as you can, even if it's two trips to the bin instead of one, even if it's cleaning a window that you don't want to clean, even if it's painting nails you don't want to paint, do things that improve your life in whatever way. That cushion that annoyed him on the chair so it sits on the sofa - put it on the chair then bounce up and down on it. Fuck him and his cushion rules.

I totally get wanting to click your fingers and fast forward. You will get there, it does take time but that time is worth taking. You'll probably realise one day that you didn't even think about X event when normally you would have and the progress will keep on coming and you'll continue to feel lighter and more like yourself again. Keep talking, there are so many of us who have been there, who understand, we'll see you through, we've got you

I had female work colleagues that were in your situation 13 years ago, not married just co habiting to very abusive partners & constant gambling , & other women , because they were not strong enough to leave, they are sadly still in the same situation .

@Humanunkind thank you for responding.

I have heard of trauma bonding but having read a lot about it since reading your post I feel like I can relate to so much of this. That feeling that someone can take you apart and then it feels like they are the only person that can fix it resonates so much with me. Sometimes it feels very much like an unhealthy addiction as opposed to anything else, it feels like it's physically painful to pull away permanently and I'm ashamed to admit that at times he would have probably left me alone entirely had I not been the one to go back to him. The shame I feel from that contributes a lot to why I feel reluctant in speaking to anyone. Weeks can go by where I don't hear from him and i seem to hit a brick wall. The cheating does hurt more and of all of the things he has picked me apart for, my ability to do anything right, it's the fact that he would rather have someone else all the time anyway that hurts the most.

What you said about getting no closure - this is exactly what happens and then I feel worse than what I did in the beginning. Anything he has done is my fault and there is no way of explaining that would ever let him see what he's done to me. I have done literally everything to keep this man happy and there was nothing that would have ever been enough. He told me he never actually wanted me but dictated every small detail of my life anyway. He made me think there was this big bright future for us and then that person disappeared and I don't know what happened and now he said it was never real.

Sorry to vent so much but I just need somewhere to get this all out because the level of stupidity I feel is breaking me. I feel like my life is a mess and he doesn't acknowledge any of it.

@LisaVanderpump1 I think that is it exactly, I hope that he'll reach out with something or that he'll eventually see what has really happened here. I know that this is delusional on my part because it has never happened. But I struggle looking at my life as it is now and the person he was at the beginning to understand how this can all have really happened. I feel like everything is a mess and I cut so many ties and changed so many things because I thought it would make things better and I've ended up hollow and empty and it's all been a lie. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel stupid.

I think I will try to take your advice and reach out to my best friend although I worry about her reaction. I just know I'm struggling to carry my own feelings just now. A few years ago, I would have never seen myself here.

He really has done a number on you @Timetoheal4good . At the beginning he saw you as what he wanted to be - strong/confident/everything you were that he isn't. He mirrored you and worked his charm then slowly and subtly he would test you to see if you would accept his abuse. You are a nice person so you didn't make a fuss when he bought you the wrong drink 'by mistake'.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID. I hear you though. I too feel stupid for putting up with and accepting the abuse my ex meted out. But in our defence it is so difficult to see it for what it is when we are going through it. They keep your head filled with them and their demands and their headfuckery that we don't have the clarity to see it for what it is. And to the outside world they are the best partner, doing so much for you, giving up this, that and the next fuck all for you. It's all a sham. They are a sham. They are empty shallow nobodies who will never be anything inside, that's why they have to try and bring you down to their level. And once they have, or usually during as we know, they are working on their next victim. It's a never ending cycle.

It sometimes takes a woman seven attempts to leave her abuser, so you see you are not alone. The whole thing is designed precisely to have you feel and behave the way you do. It is also designed to make you feel worse once you are out of it. The shame you feel is the part that he relies on so you don't tell anyone what he's done to you.

The next time you feel like contacting him, put it off for a wee while, re-read this thread, clean your skirting boards, remember that he's not worthy of the dust you're taking off them and talk to us, we'll get you through that cold turkey. But most of all repeat after me "It is not my shame to carry"

First things first, as PPs have said, go NC. Full NC. Delete and block in everything.

Secondly, I wonder if you could benefit from a visit to The Chump Lady's site. Get in touch with some of the anger that you haven't tapped into yet. When, in situations like yours, R&R is out if the question, you need to find a new focus!