What shall I do?

[CM97]

I am heartbroken 💔

I’m 52 and have been with someone for almost a year… he ended it a week ago and I am slipping further and further into a hole. It is my fault it ended - I was on medication for anxiety and depression (he didn’t know) and came off it. I relapsed and became increasingly insecure and needy. It drove him away. He still loves me, he misses me and us but wants to be single. I unfriended him on Facebook which I deeply regret and he won’t add me even though I have begged him. It just feels like he as thrown me away.

I am back on my medication but want him so badly. He was my rock. He wants a clean break. I’ve asked him to support me until I’m better.

I think I should go no contact but I can’t, not whilst he says he still has feelings for me. I desperately want him back. We were so good together, we talked about moving in together. I am devastated and also unwell with my mental health.

What shall I do?

To me it is concerning that you never felt able to tell this man about your anxiety and depression, and the medication. And I don't mean it concerns me as in I think you were in the wrong. I mean there must have been things about him that made you fear he would not be understanding. As the vast majority of people would be understanding if a partner had a diagnosis of what is, after all, and extremely common mental illness.

So I think it may turn out that you are better off without this man. Plus I think he is being very unfair, dangling this carrot that he "still has feelings" while also saying he doesn't want to be with you any more etc.

What did you actually do that "caused" him to dump you? Was it something objectively bad? Or have you just decided it was bad because he has insisted that it was?

In the meantime, look after yourself. Go back on your meds, see a Dr for extra help if need be. Break-ups can be very triggering. And reach out to friends and family if you can for real life support. Don't let this man shame you into thinking you don't deserve it.

I am back on my medication but want him so badly. He was my rock. He wants a clean break. I’ve asked him to support me until I’m better.

Ok. I understand that you are hurting at the moment but this paragraph really jumped out at me.

You were together for less than a year and he had no idea about your anxiety and depression. There isn't really a problem with that if you're managing it but you also say you came off the medication. Why is that if you still needed it?

I wondering the relationship made you feel 'better' and so you decided that you no longer needed it because you had him?

Unfortunately, that is very intense and a huge pressure for someone you are still getting to know.

You say you became insecure and needy and pushed him away. I've dealt with the insecurity and neediness caused by unmanaged anxiety and depression both personally and from another person and it is horrendous for both parties.

He is actually doing the right thing for himself and for you in not refriending you on Facebook. You need to move on and he needs to protect himself and his own mental health. He is right to want a clean break.

It's a huge responsibility and incredibly draining to support someone else through anxiety and depression. He might not want to be someone else's 'rock' after such a short relationship and he is under no obligation to support an ex girlfriend until she is 'better'. That could become a lifelong commitment really couldn't it?

I'm sure you'll have plenty of people who tell you you've dodged a bullet, he's a dick and that if he loved you he would but life is not like that. He is a person in his own right who deserves to be in a relationship that he finds fulfilling and in which he is happy.

I don't think telling you he still has feelings is him dangling a carrot. I think he is trying to be kind. He's not telling you you are unloveable but that you're someone he can no longer be in a relationship with. He is being quite clear about that and that there are no mixed messages. That is why he is not adding you back on Fb and why he isn't offering to support you.

Go back to the GP and back on your meds. They are the reason you felt better and were able to function in a relationship, not him.

What did you actually do that "caused" him to dump you? Was it something objectively bad? Or have you just decided it was bad because he has insisted that it was?

Tbh, it doesn't really matter what she did and whether anyone else would consider it 'bad' enough.

He doesn't owe her a relationship. Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries and if he doesn't want to support someone with longterm, ongoing MH issues, he doesn't have to. Especially not after such a short relationship. If he knows he doesn't want to do that for the rest of his life, he was right to end it. And right to want a clean break.

Do you have friends and family? They're the ones who can support you, not him now.

Hi op. I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound so distraught. 💐

I’m sorry, the only thing you can do is go through this awful time, stop trying to contact him, try and understand where he is coming from, give him space and work towards accepting the decision. Do not try to contact him at all.

At the same time, return to gp and get help for yourself and work on yourself so that you are in a better place with your mh for your next relationship, It doesn’t seem like it now but he may have done you a favour as we need to be well in ourselves before we can be there for someone else in a relationship.

Lastly, try and keep in mind that he probably wasn’t a keeper anyway if he fled at the first sign of problems.

Lastly, try and keep in mind that he probably wasn’t a keeper anyway if he fled at the first sign of problems.

You have no idea what his history or background is.

Anxiety and depression aren't like supporting someone through a broken leg or a temporary glitch. It can be a lifelong commitment.

Within a relationship of less than a year, I think I would wonder about someone's personal motivation if they wanted to stick around. If the OP just stopped taking her medication, she will have been a completely different person by the end of it to she was at the start. She also doesn't say at what stage she stopped taking them nor how long it was between that and him ending the relationship. If he had started to be negatively impacted by her mental.health, then he did the right thing.

That's nothing to do with him being a keeper or not.

As much as we are told women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men, men are not that for women either.

I agree he doesn't owe her a relationship - anybody can break up with anybody at any time for any reason.

However, what does often happen, sadly, is that rather than owning that they just don't want to be in the relationship any more, people (often but not exclusively men) gaslight, convincing the partner they are leaving that it is somehow their "fault" due to their excessive neediness etc. which can be extremely damaging to self esteem etc. Sometimes, it can even be a ploy for the person leaving to come back later, and resume the relationship but pm different terns, because the person who was left feels "lucky" to get a "second chance".

At the end of the day, neither of us were there. I just want OP to assess her own actions and consider whether she truly believes they were excessively needy - if so, that is something she may need to work on before entering a new relationship.

Or is she being gaslit, and actually, the way she behaved was a valid expression of normal human need in a relationship?

I don't know, I wasn't there. I just don't want OP to assume it's true because this guy said.

I mean, for all I know she did indeed boil his pet bunny. But maybe she didn't.

I agree but someone coming off medication and anxiety when they are not ready to is a different ball game altogether.

The way she communicates in her op and the behaviours, feelings she describes are very intense (eg begging him; asking him to support her after splitting up). If those things were new behaviours once she'd stopped taking the medication, I can see why he would want to end it and want a clean break.

I've supported friends and an ex through serious, unmedicated MH issues and I wouldn't do it again. It takes a huge toll.

Is their a friend you can text or spend time with when you feel lonely?
Looking after your mental health and having a stable daily life with someone who supports you is what is important.
Perhaps with time, you can find a more accepting partner.
Some men are very selfish.
Do not let him use you, I would block him personally.
Depression and anxiety are manageable, so however long it takes with your gp.
Please do not rely on a half acceptable relationship we all deserve a decent fully supportive partner.
Why you never shared this with him is a concern or was he judgemental.
Sometimes breaking away is really difficult due to the familiar I habe recently found, then you become distracted with better opportunities ans people around you.

To be honest you sound self-absorbed and too intense to me. Some people can handle that and some can't.

You need to leave this man alone now. It's over.

Sorry you are struggling with the heartache. It will get better.

I am back on my medication but want him so badly. He was my rock. He wants a clean break. I’ve asked him to support me until I’m better.

This is a paragraph that really stood out for me. With the greatest of respect, this was a year long relationship not decades and he may have been ‘your rock’ but you actually never fully told him your situation and why you needed his support.

As hard as it might feel right now, you need to respect his wishes and let him go. He doesn’t owe you a relationship or to be there once you’ve split. Expecting more from someone than they can give isn’t a reasonable ask. He wants a clean break - you need to give him that.

Reach out to friends, family and professionals and let this man go. It’s over. Prolonging it will only hurt you more.

He doesn’t owe you a relationship, and if this was a man hounding a woman to support him I suspect the answers would be quite different.

You need to leave him alone if he’s made it clear he no longer wants a relationship.

I agree.

What is it that often gets touted on here?

Women are not emotional support humans? That we should protect our own mental health? That we shouldnt set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm? That we should have boundaries and stick to them? Those are not considered to be selfish or unreasonable. They're considered to he good common sense.

This applies to everyone.

In the interests of presenting an objective opinion, I feel that if you continue to try to contact this man, you will be making a pest of yourself.

I know that's harsh. I'm not trying to hurt you by saying it. I'm being candid with you.

Listen, if he really wanted to be with you he would make it happen - trust me. Do not continue to try and contact this man, as PP said you will end up making a pest of yourself.
You will find someone who will stick by your side through thick and thin, the good and the bad.
I have had bad mental health in the past and my fiance stuck by my side through it all and now we're better than ever.
He will come back to you if you're the one he wants.

That's nothing to do with him being a keeper or not

Greycarpet Did you read the rest of my post urging op to accept his decision, improve her mh for her next relationship and to leave her ex alone?

All I am saying is that having heard the explanation, that this was a “fixable” issue by going back on medication, some people would be willing to try again and see if it worked out, and this guy chose not to. Of course that is his right but it wouldn’t necessarily be everyone’s decision.

The OP is a woman who is suffering with mental health problems and a broken relationship. She is asking for kindness, understanding and support above all if you can read between thee lines.

Though there may be some good advice by a few people here there is little empathy and that is what the OP needs most. So bugger off all of you harsh truth tellers until you can respond to OP with kindness.

This is a good point, well made.

OP, it will get better. I do feel that sometimes shorter relationships are the ones that hurt most when they end, as the shine hasn't had the time to come off them and we are often still in the honeymoon phase.

I remember my friend telling me she was more hurt by the loss of one particular two week Tinder fling, than by the demise of her 8 year marriage. That's an extreme example, but I do kinda get it!

A year in is tough - you know them well enough to feel a deep connection, but perhaps not well enough to see they aren't as perfect as they first appear (nobody is).

You will get through it OP. It's not nice. But the chemicals in your brain are making it ten times worse. Try to hold on to that - the feelings aren't really real - or they are exaggerated versions of a rational response, if that makes sense.

I have been where you are. Quite a few times as I have had a varied relationship history. I have felt utterly awful when I was abandoned, truly wracked with sorrow, even suicidal, filled with despair. I have begged and begged someone to take me back....

And do you know what? I wouldn't touch any of those people who made me feel like that with a barge pole now. Not that they are awful people, they aren't - but they aren't the perfect gods I thought they were either. If any one of them turned up now at my door with a diamond solitaire and tickets to Paris, I would tell them to get lost.

Time is a great healer, but it's no anaesthetist sadly.