Guidance needed
Hello, everyone,
Trying to be composed, so I can write my experience in short, for adequate advice to be given…
I have a 10 months old baby with a man I am not married with. The relationship, pregnancy, moving together, having a baby for the first time happened so quickly and I now realise I was not prepared. Not talking about the baby, but about the person who became the nightmare of my life.
Although in the beginning he was portraying himself as one who is responsible, even with proofs, because he was married before and had children during the marriage, so he made me see and hear his involvement, past and present, in children’s life, supporting the woman, none of that happened in my relationship.
Since the moment my baby was born, he found reasons not to suport.
Because the baby was a few days old when he wanted to show me how to bath him, because I was clueless and he has this vast experience, since in my opinion he was being too brutal in how he was handling the baby and I made the mistake to voice my concern, by saying “you are hurting him”, that was the end of it. He withdrew his support, to quote him.
Financially, we are separate. We live in the same house and we split the bills. His part is slightly higher, but won’t go into that. I am a proud woman, and arrogant, again quoting, because even if I need support at times, financially speaking, I won’t ask. So there was a time when the household shopping was made together, he was paying, and I was contributing 50%. Part of the shopping were the essentials for the baby, too. Then I went on maternity leave and my income decreased. He said then that I should contribute less than 50% for the house shopping, because anyway, whenever I go out, I always buy necessary stuff for the house, and that would compensate. How nice! ;)
From there, we got to him not caring about baby’s food, nappies, clothing, literally anything.
When being called for it, his reply was that I am the one getting his child benefit, and that alone would cover his needs. What is your part, then, I asked? He has a roof over his head, was his reply. In 10 months, he bought for my baby TWO toys, of which one for Christmas, and TWO times clothing (once before being born, and he made a scandal out of it), the second and last time when the baby was around 3 months old, two tracksuits.
On the other hand, he never misses the opportunity to tell me how he was only buying designer clothes for his other children, how all his money was spent for the house and the wife was not contributing with anything, how they had 3 holidays/year, how they were eating out every week. Whilst we never went anywhere, and when we had to go abroad for my baby’s Christening, he paid for HIS ticket, I paid for mine and the baby’s (which cost is insignificant, it is the intention behind it). Not to mention that he requested of me half of the money received as Christening presents, and when being reluctant and saying that was the baby’s money, he argued that it’s not, as we spent money on the event. So I had to give him half, and as a conclusion, the baby and myself paid for his Christening reception and other expenses.
He even got to the point of reproaching me that “I am eating his food”, meaning he is buying it, although I went in debt to contribute equally in the house, for that.
I wanted to leave many times, I even packed a bag so many times. I am not well in this relationship. Unfulfilled, unhappy, always being told what he did for his family and experiencing what he does for me and my child. Bare minimum. It feels so many times that it is on purpose, just to show me how worthless I am… Because it is all my fault, as he says. I don’t know how to raise my child, I am spoiling him by not disciplining him, all I do is wrong.
But I developed some kind of survival instincts for my baby…thinking who am I to deprive him of the presence of a father? I should stay in it, so he can enjoy being with both parents… But then I think, what is the point if his father is not involved in any way. From 10 hours he is at home, 7-8 he will be on his phone/tv. From 3 hours, 2,5 on his phone. If the baby starts crying for various reasons, being a baby, shush, take him from here, or he goes into the bedroom and closes all the doors, because I am “unable to control him and spoiled him”.
Yesterday I told him that since he only gave instructions during these 10 months, I will be the one giving instructions and he will look after the baby, because it is his responsibility, too. Although I would not trust him to look after my baby. As I never did, I did not have 30 minutes for myself and away from my baby during these 10 months. Anyway, after having said that, he said that he will call social services, as I struggle and I need help.
To summarise, I raised my baby until now, all alone. Financially and all aspects. And I am wondering what’s his role in my baby’s life, why should I keep staying if there is no support? Is it worth it just for physical presence, although he is mainly absent?
And a bigger problem is that I want to leave and never hear of him in any way. No connection whatsoever. I would even go to the extent of changing the baby’s surname if that is possible (he bears the father’s surname). I know I don’t have the right to decide for my child, to take him away from his father and cut any ties, but that’s how I feel. I would not need any contribution either, for I have been told so many times I have his child benefit, so what to expect from such a being? How can I simply disappear from his life without complications and other authorities involved. And if I need to involve authorities, what proofs do I need that he is not being responsible for the child…?
I also know that this is not the right place to ask for such advice, but I don’t know where to begin…it seems it will all become messy, he already mentioned social services, as I stated earlier, and I KNOW he would do anything JUST TO HURT ME, not for caring for my child, I have never seen that.