Daughter in crisis. Don’t know what to do

[BasketWeavers]

Very long story short DD15 has struggled since around the age of 6, violence towards the family, struggling with MH, school refusal. I’m a lone parent as XH was abusive. We’ve had every service involved over the years. Most of these actually made things worse so she has a deep mistrust of ‘services’. She was diagnosed ASD at age 11.

The last year things have turned a corner for her when she started an early college placement, is doing really well and made friends. She also started her first relationship with a 16yo boy. He’s ASD too and it seems really volatile. She adores him but they argue a lot and she is very often in tears. A couple of weeks ago, she took a small overdose after they argued but luckily no damage was done afaik.

Around a month ago, her hair started falling out. At first I didn’t realise anything was seriously wrong but it quickly started accelerating and she has lost around 2/3rds of her hair at this point. You can see her scalp. I’ve taken her to doctors, hair loss specialists, researched hair loss etc. so we’re doing all the practical things but she is absolutely distraught and it’s severely impacting her MH. She doesn’t want to go out in public and has stopped attending college. Her resilience, which was low to start with, is now rock bottom and even small things going wrong is leading to meltdowns and severe distress.

She came home tonight from seeing her BF and fell asleep early. She woke up at 2am absolutely distraught, wailing, shouting and throwing things. She keeps saying she wants to die. She was also pulling at her hair and more has come out. It’s taken me an hour and a half to calm her down so hopefully she will go back to sleep now. She isn’t giving me the full story but it sounds like they’ve fallen out again.

I really don’t know what to do to help her. I have a lot going on too and with my younger DD, fairly sure I’m depressed at the moment and I’m only just about holding things together. I feel like I did all those years ago when she was younger and everything seemed so bleak and scary. I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can say to help but it’s helped to write it down.

I'm so sorry to read your update. You sounds like a wonderful mum. No sdvice except try to look after yourself and keep trying to expedite getting you all mental health support

The whole situation sounds impossibly difficult, and I don't have anything to add other than my heartfelt hope that you and your daughter get the support you both need. Keep going, I hope this is the bottom and that better times are ahead xx

It was his turn to visit her this weekend but he made excuses. She was again in hysterics and confessed a little while ago that she’d taken another overdose - this time 10 ibuprofen and 6 paracetamol. We’re at A&E now and I’m a mixture of disbelief, worry, sadness and anger at her for doing this. Only just holding it together.

@BasketWeavers

I'm so sorry to read your thread and latest update.

I have no advice but I just wanted to hold your hand from where I am and stand behind you.

Sometimes we go on autopilot when under extreme levels of stress and our adrenaline kicks in to get us through it but please be careful about your own mental health because it sometimes creeps upon us without even noticing until we cave.

Do you have any other family or friends for support?
Siblings?good friends?

Do reach out to them don't try to shoulder all of this on your own op.

🥰

I just want to give you an enormous hug and remind you that absolutely none of this is your fault. I have no experience of the hair loss, but I do have an autistic young person who completely fell apart at 16 - self-harm, full nervous breakdown, meltdowns constantly. It was terrifying and heartbreaking, you feel like it is your job as their mother to make everything better, and you just can't. What helped us was mostly time, tbh, some family therapy (though that was a mixed blessing), getting through the exam period and out of school (bullying and the general school regime were huge stressors for mine). We spent the summer doing very little and applying as little pressure as possible, and I found that "parallel play" scenarios like cooking together helped open up communication.

My young person is much, much better now, has accessed counselling at university and is slowly learning to manage their eating issues, anxiety and mood swings. It's been a long road, but I just wanted to let you know that it can be really, really bad - my dc was actively planning suicide - and still get better, even though when you're in the thick of it you feel like there's no hope.

I posted before I saw your update. I'm so sorry you're going through hell. You're doing everything you can for her.

Just someone else wanting to remind you it's not your fault. She's really lucky to have you. ASD can be awful at this age, absolutely awful. Things will get better in time.

I'm very very sorry to read your latest update, OP (I read your thread in one go).

You may have already tried this but have you contacted your local branch of the mental health charity Mind? Ours does lots of drop ins, courses etc. and works in sync with local NHS services - it's unfortunate that a charity has to step into the gap caused by lack of proper funding to NHS support but they actually do a good job of it. Perhaps there is a similar arrangement in your area?

A handhold for you.

oh my, you poor thing. another hug and handhold from an internet stranger. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it is so much for anyone to bear. For now, she is in the safest place she could possibly be, and being looked after.
You will get through this. One way or another, you will, you all will. Sending you strength and courage.
Parenting children with mental health issues is unimaginable until you are in it. It can feel so lonely and surreal. You are doing your best, there is nothing more that can be asked of you - don’t forget that.
I will be thinking of you and your DD’s.

how are you today @BasketWeavers? Hope you and DD’s doing ok. I’ve been thinking of you

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and virtual hugs. I read them at the time and they helped so much to make me feel less alone but this is the first chance I’ve had to update. I couldn’t have predicted the course of events this weekend.

When we arrived at A&E, they did the usual tests but also a finger prick which they didn’t do last time. They said her blood sugar was high and this was despite her only eating a yoghurt all day. Whilst I was mostly fretting about the OD, all the staff seemed more concerned about the blood sugar. She was admitted overnight and when I arrived the next morning, the consultant was there to tell us she has T1 diabetes which has probably been going on for a few months. They kept telling us how lucky we are to have caught it now before she got very ill with it.

She will have to stay in hospital until some time next week once she’s seen the diabetic nurses, dieticians etc and they’re satisfied that she can manage the condition at home. She will miss a GCSE exam on Monday which she’s upset about as she wanted to get it out of the way. Despite being pricked and poked all weekend, she’s handling it all so well. It’s come as a real shock to me as we don’t have any diabetics in the family and I instantly understood the ramifications of having to manage such a condition. I think it’s only just starting to sink in what this all means as she realises she will have to inject herself multiple times a day and plan and calculate all meals for the rest of her life.

It sounds like this could have been picked up last time she ODed but I’m glad it wasn’t as I don’t think she could have handled this on top of losing her hair. At least this way, she knows her hair is coming back and she has her wig. I’m absolutely convinced that the illness she had over Xmas has triggered all of this. It’s crazy to me that something seemingly so minor can cause so many problems. Such is life I suppose.

One thing that infuriated me was her dad’s response. He’s been ignoring them both lately despite being active on SM. DD called him and texted him to say she was in hospital but he ignored her. She ended up ranting to his sister about what an awful dad he is and she must have said something as he called her yesterday asking to see her today. DD did some digging and it looks like he’s just started seeing someone new which tracks with his lack of interest and he’s stopped paying CMS after just a couple of payments. I just feel absolute rage at him for being such an awful person and literally abandoning his own children.

I’ve been running on shock and adrenaline so far but feel ok for now, just very tired and tearful. I just can’t believe how much has happened this last year and I’m a little paranoid about what else might go wrong but trying to keep perspective and remember that things could always be worse.

If you haven’t already I would advise a gp visit. It could be asd or trauma. She needs help from the childrens mental health team asap. They can prescribe medication or maybe look into therapy.

that is shocking op, i imagine you have read up about diabetes. a big deal for her.
best wishes

I really feel for you, the situation sounds so difficult.

To reassure you on the diabetes side of things, my son’s friend has it and has an implant that communicates to his phone. It tells him exactly how to manage it. I know there’s tech out there that gives the right dose of insulin too, which takes any proper management out of the person’s hands. I recall a school friend pricking her finger and injecting, as this tech takes over that will be a thing of the past.

Diabetes is often triggered by a viral infection eg glandular fever triggered one friend and basically a heavy cold another. Both were first in family, it happens, they were both pretty ill before they got diagnosed so yes, it's fortunate they finger pricked her. I won't say it is an easy ride but there's really good tech these days to help manage diabetes plus the option of a pump, connect with the main diabetes charities for specific support and encourage her to attend their groups, really has helped my friends dd who also became diabetic (obviously not such a surprise) who was not wanting to comply as a teen, she's now a diabetes nurse!

wow, what a weekend you have had. Massive well done for getting through, you’ve got so many plates spinning and you’re managing it all (can guess how drained and tired you are though, hugs).

all obviously very very challenging, but on the positive side it IS progress, and thank goodness you have found out. I know another teen with a shock diabetes diagnosis, and he is managing really well all in all. huge learning curve, but very manageable once you know how.

you have made it through so much. feel proud of yourself for coping, and for guiding your DD’s through some very very difficult times. you are awesome, you’ve done your absolute best by them and they will remember that always. shitty dads are an ongoing nightmare, but you can keep on keeping on and just being the rock.

take care of yourself. sit in the sun if you’ve got some today, and just breathe. have something nice for supper, early night. tomorrow is another day and you will do just fine, no matter what comes.

What an awful time you and your daughter have had. I'm so sorry to read about her diagnosis but thank goodness you now know. Hairloss (which itself is so devastating) can be linked to diabetes too so I hope at least that improves now.
She's still young & I'm sure there are better times ahead - you're doing great.

My daughter was diagnosed with T1D as a teenager and had lost a lot of hair in the months before diagnosis. It started growing back v quickly. She had two levels of hair for quite a while!

My daughter coped well initially with her diagnosis, but has struggled with her mental health subsequently. She was however v ill on diagnosis (ICU with severe DKA) and it was during covid so she had 2 weeks in hospital with hardly any visitors allowed. Thinking of you and your daughter. It's a shock, and a huge adjustment for her. Really life changing.

@BasketWeavers

Hi there, just checking in to see how you are all doing. Been thinking of you and sending strength and good thoughts