Will SS take children?

[MadMadamMim10]

Hello, I am so worried and hope someone with knowledge can help!

I have recently split with my partner and father of my child. I asked him to leave after he made a verbal threat against my life following the break up which prompted me to stay in a hotel with my child for a couple of nights. On the advice of the police I changed the locks (it's my property) and he went to stay with his family though is continuing to send verbally abusive messages and to refuse that the relationship is over. SS rang me and I explained that I had no intention of getting back with my ex - this was their main concern.

Fast forward a few weeks and my child has been asking about their dad. I have spoken to a solicitor regarding child contact and they advised I push for supervised contact and meet up in public places to see DS. We are currently going through mediation and i have an appointment with women's aid. In the meantime I contacted ex to see if he wanted to meet in the park to see DS as DS he has been asking about him and hasn't seen him in a few weeks. I naively thought that if I sat in the cafe overlooking the park while he played with DS it would be safe.

So, to cut a long story short he threatened me again and refused to give my son back. I was distressed enough by his anger and refusal to return my son that I called the police and he was arressted. I have decided not to make a formal complaint but would like to pursue some kind of protection order to protect myself and DS. Police have informed me that they will refer to SS again and I am worried that they will blame me for contacting ex to meet up and potentially putting DS at risk. I really didn't think this would happen in a public place and I was trying to facilitate a relationship with him and DS as it breaks my heart hearing him ask for his 'daddy.' I realise it was a stupid mistake and I will never be making it again. I will be refusing all contact now until advised by SS and the courts. Will they consider taking DS away? I have and had no intention whatsoever of getting back with ex, this meeting was purely for my son who missed his daddy.

No very unlikely. You tried to safeguard your child and did the right thing and clearly thought through his safety. Many people have involvement with the police in similar situations and are referred to social services, counting myself. They just want to know your child is safe and you're safeguarding them as much as possible.
What was he actually arrested for? I hope your both ok

Nobody will take your children away.

People who say that use it as a scare tactic to try and control.

Please though no more contact, no more meet ups and absolutely start making your complaints to the police formal. It'll help you in the long run.

No chance they'll take your dc away in what you've written here.

Tbh you've probably helped build your case for supervised contact only. Not that you should repeat it however. Hope you're ok. When are you seeing Women's Aid?

I have decided not to make a formal complaint
Think carefully about what’s your line in the sand for making a formal complaint against him?

contact centre supervised contact would be my only option going forward. But i wouldnt be the one facilitating an angry violent man seeing my son.

What a bloody horrible experience. You have done everything right up to the point of trusting an evil man to behave in public . You were acting on behalf of the needs of your young child . Regretfully if didn't work out .
Be honest with SS , tell them you chose a public place to try to ensure it was a successful experience for your child but you now realise he can't be trusted and your son needs support to understand why he can't see his dad .
You called the police when you felt you and your son was at risk .
You have identified risk and mitigated so your son could see his dad .
This is all about you trying to protect your son while meeting his needs
You may get a bit of a slap on the wrists but you've learnt and you want their support in supporting your son who is missing his father.
You won't lose your son honey , you are a good mum who wants help and are accepting support and that's what they are there for .
I speak as mum who adopted a baby whose mum wouldn't accept help and didn't see risk of a dangerous man . That's not you x

No, they won't. And you should definitely get supervised access now.

But why aren't you pursuing the complaint with the police? Verbal threat to kill is a criminal offence. Your ex needs that explained to him in short sharp words from a court.

Good luck.

Thanks all, that helps to put my mind at ease! I was reading about social services taking children away from mum's who continue contact with abusive ex's and was worrying if this could be regarded as similar. I just want to do the best for my son and for him to have a relationship with their dad if at all possible. I see now I can't meet up with at all now and that any contact would have to be supervised by someone else.

@TickingKey46 he was arrested for common assault for pushing me when I tried to take son back.

@JanglyBeads my appointment with Women's Aid is tomorrow

follow up and make the complaint. How will a judge know to give supervised access if the records aren’t there.

make it formal and you will help yourself long term

You also acted on advice from solicitor , should be in the solicitors notes ?

Like others I would also be making it formal with police . He's a bully doing that to you and his son and you need all the support you can get .

@Temporaryname158 would the information that I gave to the police and the fact that he was arrested be enough to build a case without a formal statement? He took the information on his phone which I signed. I just didn't want to take things further as he is an aggressive bully but is also a desperate man with poor mental health and DS's father. But if I need to make it formal to protect DS then will do so. I hope to get some kind of protection order either way but it depends on outcome of his police interview and whether he has bail conditions the police said.

You really should be making a formal complaint.

Family courts love to give dangerous fathers unsupervised access/overnight to their children (even men who have been convicted of viewing child sexual abuse images/videos online) and men who have served time for DV.

So definitely get as much abuse documented and taken seriously so that when he applies for access you will be able to give the courts as much evidence as you can about this mans character and how risky he would be to be around your child - it's sadly not uncommon for men to hurt or worse their children to 'teach a lesson' to their ex's.

I'm an adoptive parent and so have some familiarity with SS. Believe me, keep doing what you're doing, you sound like a great mum, the SS have to follow their procedures because obviously there are lots of families which do need intervention, but you sound a million miles away from needing that, so the SS should be a source of support and advice for you.

Your ex having un-supervised access is a much greater danger to you and your child.

Hopefully this will change over time and I would hope your ex sorts himself out and could have a greater role in his child's life. But right now he's dangerous and you need to fight to keep your son safe from him rather than being worried about SS (which I understand, but this worry is not justified in your case imho)

I went through almost the exact same scenario social services told me that my daughters dad still has the right to contact with our child
they will not stop him from seeing your child, as long as there is no offending against the child or any offending toward you in front of the child
as long as they are satisfied that your child is safe, they will not do anything
you don’t have to have an assessment with them either although after the second Merlin report from the police, they may ask you to

social services will not dictate to you as to how often he should see the child and a Court will not put a protection order or restraining order to stop him from seeing his child as they would need evidence that he is a danger to your child however, they can give a restraining order, asking him not to contact you
in terms of your child, they would just advise that a 3rd party is present when child is handed over for contact or that he sees the child in a contact centre

Crossed post.
If he has mental health issues then he is much more likely to be offered support if you make formal complaints and press charges every-time he threatens (or worse) you.
He's using his free will to bully you - you as the victim aren't punishing him by pressing charges, you are protecting yourself against an angry violent man who is breaking the law.

I agree. I think you maybe under estiamting the threat from your ex. I’m not saying this to scare you but there is a podcast on BBC sounds called Femicide - 8 steps to stop a murderer. I’m not saying your ex will go that far but please have a listen (I think there maybe a book too if you prefer) and it sounds like he is going through some of the steps and it give good advice about how to deal with safety after a relationship has ended.

Id talk to women's aide and solicitor about reporting. In general terms the more they have officially recorded about him the better chance you have of getting something legal in place. DV can be hard to prove because most of the behaviour happens in private, so anything that is public and recorded makes your case stronger. I understand why you dont want to report though.

You're doing the right things, you've got him out and a safe house away from him now. You're listening and following advice. You tried facilitate your DS having time with his Dad in a safe way, what happened is not your fault. You can validly say you expected him to behave because you were in a public place and didn't anticipate his behaviour escalating.

Now you have a stronger argument for supervised contact. You're doing the right things, you're centring your child and protecting him, you're doing good.

So he was released last night with no further action and the police couldn't put in place a DVPN due to lack of evidence. Not sure where that leaves us now. If anything all of this will make him more furious and obsessive and I feel more vulnerable now as there doesn't seem to be anything the police can do. Will speak to women's aid this afternoon, hopefully they can help. Thanks so much for all of the advice so far it really does help to pit my mind at ease.

What a horrible experience for you. As others have said (and hopefully out your mind at ease a bit) but SS will not take your children. This extreme measure is only when a parent fails to install any safeguarding measures for their children. You have clearly tried to and your partner has messed it up. Work with them, they might be able to help.

Women’s Aid will be v familiar with the exact situation you’re in today OP. You have to act to protect your DS and his mum. But the courts are often unhelpful to say the least, as pps have said.

You mentioned he is a partner and not an ex-husband.

I would be less worried about visitation with this abusive monster and worried about protecting yourself and your child from him.

Let him take you to court for visitation.

Follow up on the complaint OP.

He is still controlling your life if you drop that and he will think he can do it again.

How old is your child? You need to inform any adults involved with him that he must not have access to his father outside a contact centre. Depending on age that might be school, nursery, grand parents.

You also need to tell your child he can only see Daddy with other people there.

Absolutely this. If he can threaten you in public and refuse to give your child back and you still won't make a formal complaint, what else are you prepared to let him get away with and not make a formal complaint about? Think very carefully about where your bar is on what behaviour you will tolerate because the fact you won't make a formal complaint about the above will already be forming his ideas on what else he can do to you without getting in trouble. Men who think they won't get in trouble because partners/exes will not make a formal complaint tend to be the ones we hear about in the headlines getting very long custodial sentences.

Pushing for o rose Union, which relies on you giving a statement and evidence, might just get your ex the help he needs.
And without it you and your dc are open to abuse or worse from him. He sounds very unstable.
Talk to WA and then the police again.

Make complaint to build case for supervised contact
Your ds can manage weeks or months without seeing dad in person if it is for his safety
How old?
ask and Let ss arrange contact centre or facetime.

From your post your child was there when he threatened you both and refused to give him back? If so he has absued your son and been abusive in front of him. Make sure this is clearly documented.

whebever there is an option to press charges or not, please do so. This was you are proving you protect your child but also a case is built against him

Assaulting a parent Infront of a child is abuse of the child!
Think if he was prepared to do that in public, what is he capable of behind closed doors!
Look into getting a non Molestation order, the police can sign post you to a charity that help you. They did this for me and I've got a non Molestation order for a year, I represent myself in court.
You may well not meet the criteria for SS. But you can still stop him having contact. Don't underestimate yourself, you have PR and have major safeguarding concerns. Stop contact and let him take you back to court, then if that happens say your happy for contact to happen but it needs to be safe! And suggest a contact centre.

My children don't see their father, as there is a no contact order in place, but he did see them in a contact centre for a bit.
You don't actually need social services and they are very unlikely to get involved if they believe you are protecting your child.
Get yourself a ring door bell and record all interact as evidence.