New relationship/time together

[Namechange1990]

First off will say I know I'm being unreasonable probably and just want to vent a bit. Been seeing someone now since February, he works in agriculture and runs his own farm... Which is great absolutely love it up there BUT for first time this evening I am questioning a bit where this is going. He is about 45 mins away and we see each other a couple of times a week either he comes here or I go there but we are yet to be able to spend a night together... His house is about 3 weeks off finishing which isn't his fault at all but because of the job he also can't stay here, he's totally dedicated which I get and actually admire but another bit of me is starting to feel maybe this isn't going to work as he can't ever spend time away, I know logically it isn't that far off but I am almost wondering if I'm setting myself up for a let down. He's been here this evening for a good few hours but for first time this evening I really questioned where this is going if we can't spend more then a couple of hours together. Am I being totally ridiculous(hoping so tbh) and this is normal after this amount of time or should I accept maybe this isn't something that will work going forward

Oh and will say please be a little kind this is first real decent person after a very abusive overbearing relationship so naturally I am probably being silly

Definitely feels worth waiting to see what it is like when yoh are able to spend the night at his. Don’t finish it yet as you just don’t know how it might work out….

So 8 weeks ish? I'm not knowledgeable about farming but if he's an actual farmer rather than a guy in wellies with a big house and tweed jacket, I'm guessing he's quite busy with spring time farm stuff. So I think seeing him a couple of times a week is probably him trying v hard and then having to get up at 3am or something to do animal stuff. (I really don't know farming, but I do know it's hard.)

It's worth searching for previous threads on here with 'farmer' in the title to get an insight into what life is like as the partner of a farmer... its a very specific lifestyle and you will be better off for reading about the reality of it

The trouble? is that some people are committed to their careers/jobs. A farmer is obviously one of those people not necessarily by choice- it's just the way it is. The role is a priority and if you can't see yourself enjoying and embracing his way of life then he's really not for you.

Would you not be able to spend some nights with him, when his house is finished?
I'm sure it's a good life for some maybe not for you.

It's entirely down to you whether you're happy with that scenario. It does sound very much like there's no prospect of him staying over at yours in the short term. If you're happy to always stay at his place (when it's ready), then no bother. Medium term, maybe he'd be in a position to take on some extra help/cover for his farm? Does he never get sick or go on holiday? Long term, would you be happy moving to be with him, because it seems unlikely he'll be able to relocate without giving up his farm.

For context, I live 10 miles away from my dp, but we only really see each other a couple of times a month because we both have kids. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes, but it mainly works ok for us. No prospect of living together for a good 5 years or so. I nearly always go to DP's house, which again works for us (I'm more comfortable being a visitor than hosting, and dp seems to prefer the other way around).

Yeah he is very Def proper farming, I'm from agricultural background which is why I know I'm being daft as I even know how hard it is... Think it's just the whole not spending any real time together and yes this is probably worst time of year to be getting into a relationship with someone. I feel awful even considering saying I want to just end it cos he's so lovely when we are together and he is so much fun it's just the whole spending a few hours then not being able to spend more than that.

Thank you going to do that now x

Quickest way to ruin a relationship is the need to rush in and suffocate one another. When something becomes permanent it can also becomes lifeless. It's only been 8 weeks, l would run a mile if someone said this to me at this stage of a relationship.

Thank you for honesty am glad to see other perspectives I just meant more than a couple hours but yes maybe I am jumping the gun a bit

I would say it’s completely normal for a farmer at busy times of the year. You’re wedded to the land. If you want someone with more leisure, you need someone in a different job.

I get your frustration - totally understandable. I think you need to be honest with yourself and decide if he can meet your expectations and in the future is there any compromise in living together?

He's been here this evening for a good few hours but for first time this evening I really questioned where this is going if we can't spend more then a couple of hours together

Did you consider talking to him about how you're feeling? If not, what stopped you?

@Namechange1990 definitely look up the farmer lifestyle as I'm sure I've seen it here before.

I try and see my partner every fortnight (not a farmer) but we have only had one overnight in 2 months. I have kids, he's very busy with his life, elderly parents etc. I wish it were more but actually I've realised you're lucky if you can see someone more. I've also found those who have a ton of free time may not also be ideal for you. Sometimes things can be a slow burn

I think a Farmer would have too little time to sustain a satisfying relationship.

I wouldn't even go there with a farmer - I like to dart about the country on good weather weekend and holiday grabs, hillwalking, cycling and camping etc. A farmer couldn't accompany me on my pursuits so there would be no point taking up with one.
It's a lifestyle for someone else to live, not me.

Definitely worth considering now...before you become too attached...Does he ever go on holiday/travel?? Your seeing the consequences of the reality of his life...

What do you want to do with your time/future.. having come from an abusive relationship you obviously have real strength but are also vulnerable.....
Do you want to be tied down/waiting/2nd fiddle to a field 😁

I wouldn't so its not for me ... But others may not mind..
Have you done the freedom programme? Being clear on your needs and prioritising them is really important..

I am married to a farmer and thankfully although he does have periods during planting, spraying, harvesting etc where he does work late and during weekends it is balanced out by their quiet periods. We go away. I often help out and love joining him in the tractor. If he is a kind man give it time and try not to rush it. It is what it is but it is an amazing life and I wouldn't change it for the world xx