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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His lies are scaring me

27 replies

Sandcastles5 · 14/04/2024 20:22

Its taken a very long time, but ive finally realised my boyfriend is an extreme liar. He lies constantly. Its quite scary and to the point now where i think he probably has no genuine feelings of love for me.

I hate that hes living an almost double life. It scares me how little i know and im so upset with the things that have come about. Unfortunately he has hidden a cocaine addiction from me. I honestly had no clue. So much of my money has dissapeared. In recent months hes had several items in his home break, including a tele and expensive speaker. I know hes sold them. Hes blown thousands of pounds he gpt from a tax rebate.

Hes started turning his phone off when hes around me. I hate it. Because im now thinking is there a secret woman too.

Ive been away this weekend without him. His daughter has been messaging me and asking if hed contact her. Last night he promised he would. He went out to the shop and his phone was off all night. He called me from a phone box this morning. Claims hos phone wont charge. I lent him £15 for another. He came up to see me tonight when i got home. Hes switched off his phone and told me his bracelet i got him has broken.

I am laid in bed knowing ive had enough but cant seem to find the energy to tell him. I feel mentally exhausted.

I dont want to be put down for being weak. I need some advice on all this. If i leave cash around he steals it.

I wish i could tell him how little i trust him.

Please help

OP posts:

Greywitch2 · 14/04/2024 20:25

Do you live with him? I got the impression from your posting that you don't and that he has his own place.

If so, then I would wait until he was there and then simply text him to say 'This relationship is not doing it for me any longer and I'm ending it. I wish you well'.

And then block him.

ZekeZeke · 14/04/2024 20:27

What positives exactly is this lying thieving druggie bringing to your life?
You need to get rid of him.
I hope you don't live together or share children.
Dump and move on.

DrJoanAllenby · 14/04/2024 20:29

Addictions can spiral into other things. Stealing and selling items to pay for drugs.

It's a downward spiral and you need to get away from him asap.

AllEars112232 · 14/04/2024 20:30

From what you've written he won't be interested in hearing how little you trust him so I'd save your breathe on that.
You know you have to leave him, depending on how entwined your lives are you could just tell him you're out and be done.

Original poster

Sandcastles5 · 14/04/2024 20:32

We dont live together. It seems like he always needs me for something. Ihave found out so much stuff in recent weeks. Ive seen drug related stuff in his house. Found a random second phone in his kitchen drawer.

Hes fallen asleep on my sofa and im laid in bed thinking how i dont feel at all close to him. I just need to find the strength to tell him i dont want him as i dont trust him.

OP posts:

Hibye23289 · 14/04/2024 20:32

You need to leave, he will drain you financially and mentally. Do not have kids with him

WishesPromised · 14/04/2024 20:35

He sounds like a total loser.

Just tell him it's over and block him.

Life is too short for this nonsense and if you don't live together or tied by children, then why put up with it?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/04/2024 20:36

Don't worry about telling him how little you trust him. You don't owe him an explanation, and any attempt to give one will have him explaining everything and making it harder for you to end it. Just tell him it's over. Don't entertain any discussion on the subject whatsoever. Don't be drawn into feeling guilty over his daughter either. It's a shame for her to have such a shitty dad, but you are not responsible for her and you need to get away from him completely. I'm hoping you don't live together.

EvenStillIWantTo · 14/04/2024 20:36

What on earth?

One good reason you're with this guy....I'll wait.

cerisepanther73 · 14/04/2024 20:39

@Sandcastles5

You only live once that's it,

Do yourself a massive favour

ditch him this so called boyfriend as soon as possible,

You deserve better and you know it really,

Don't rush into a new relationship after this until you have explored reflected on the factors reasons you fell hook line and sinker for this one,
and have good robust strong boundaries in place,
such as what you will accept and definitely not put up with or tolerate under any circumstances whatsever,

Why waste 🗑 it on drug adled smack head loser as this
He sure will drag you down in depths of allmost insanity and beyond 🤪 with all the bullshit 💩 lies and secrey and whatever dramas come envitable with this self destructive lifestyle,

Andthereyougo · 14/04/2024 20:40

Never be with anyone who gives you cause to be scared. Ever.
You don’t have to say anything to him, you don’t have to give him a reason. Wait til he goes home then text you don’t want to be in a relationship with him any longer. Then block.
Make sure he hasn’t a key. If you’re unsure you might have to get the locks changed.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/04/2024 20:41

Just seen he's currently asleep on your sofa. Just calmly wait for him to leave in the morning. Then dump him by phone or text. I don't think he sounds very safe to be around so better to do it from. Distance. Don't let him try to talk you out of it. Hang up if you have to. Block him if you have to. If he's got stuff at yours drop it round, don't let him back in your home. And tell him if he tries to push his way back into your life you'll go to the police (and follow through with that if you have to). It's scary trying to break free, but you can do it and you will be so relieved once he's out of your life.

Motnight · 14/04/2024 20:44

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/04/2024 20:41

This is very good advice.

BirthdayRainbow · 14/04/2024 20:45

I only read your title and that is enough for me. You have to end it.

When he goes to his own place end it over the phone.

Dery · 14/04/2024 21:52

As PP have said, just wait till he’s gone and then end it. You could send a text or phone him but you need to make sure he doesn’t talk you round. So ending things by text may be best.

ivs · 14/04/2024 21:55

You can do this just think how much better your life will be, when he's gone and you're not on edge all the time

beatrix1234 · 14/04/2024 22:02

Steps to take:

You take him for lunch to a public place, gently and politely explain him this relationship is no longer working for you because of x,y and z. Tell him you want to break up and he’s no longer welcome at your place.
you change the locks in your house.
you block him on all
docial media.
you move on.

Elektra1 · 14/04/2024 22:03

The title of your thread is not the real issue. Lying is bad, but the issue is he's an addict. And his addiction sounds pretty deep. Only you can decide if you want to support him through trying to fix that - but it doesn't sound like he's remotely close to wanting to fix it himself, in which case you're playing a losing game anyway. You don't live with him, you're not tied to him, for God's sake don't make any decisions that will tie you to him. Just end it.

QueenBitch666 · 15/04/2024 14:20

Get rid. It really is that simple

takemeawayagain · 15/04/2024 14:45

OP don't tell him you don't trust him or give him any other concrete reason why you want to split up. He will want to stay in this relationship as you are very useful to him financially so he will likely do all he can to persuade you that he will change and/or that the problem is actually you. If you tell him you can't trust him he will start lying and gas lighting you until you don't know up from down - he could also turn angry and violent.

You would be better off telling him you've decided to end things because you don't want to be in a relationship, you want to just concentrate on yourself. Make it about you rather than him. Your priority is your safety, not trying to get him to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and untrustworthy - because he doesn't care. Be calm and breezy and reasonable......and stand very,very firm. Then have nothing more to do with him.

Ladyprehensile · 15/04/2024 14:53

I read this somewhere. Might have been on Mumsnet. It resonated with me at the time:

The problem of liars is that it becomes a way of life for them. Like all people, they sometimes want things that inconveniently don't fit with commitments they've already made, but they don't have the strength of character to accept that sometimes they have to choose one of two things. Instead, they want it all. And more than that, they feel entitled to have it all, because they think they are more special or important than other people.
^^
The solution? Just lie! It doesn't bother them to lie about what they've been up to, because they've decided they're special enough to have whatever they want, and they justify the lying to themselves with the reasoning that it will keep them 'out of trouble' with whoever they're fucking over. And them not being in trouble is the most important thing.

Ladyprehensile · 15/04/2024 14:56

See this too:

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2024 14:59

Just end it, by text, when he's not in your house.

Then block him. You do not deserve this stress in your life.

Opentooffers · 15/04/2024 15:12

The easiest way to do it if feeling weak, is not in person. Just a few words in a text is all it takes. No big long explanation required, just a "had enough, this is not for me anymore, bye". He already knows full well why most would dump him.
If he has a copy of your key, get the locks changed, put anything of value you have in a safe. I don't know how you can rest in bed knowing that he could wake up any moment, and go rifeling through your stuff, assessing its value to him.

isitbananatimealready · 15/04/2024 17:14

He is a drug addict. Even if he does love you, his need for cocaine is greater and he will do anything to get it.

You absolutely have to end this relationship as soon as possible. Thank God you don't live together.

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