Poor hygiene, BO and dirty clothes

[Blueberrysky1]

I posted a while ago about my child's friends mum having been taken into hospital over Christmas and although I didn't know them, the father was asking for his daughter to have sleep overs with us once a month. I thought it odd as she didn't know us really, and for us to take him to the hospital etc. Never a thank you or ever any offer of some money towards fuel.

Anyway turns out that he's found another women, probably was carrying on when his daughter was having sleep overs with us. And he's now walked out on them, leaving the child to care for herself and her paralysed mother who has a bed in the living room since her double stroke.

We recognise the child is in such a difficult situation and has a hard life now. They live about 25 mins drive from us, so not on the doorstep. She has no friends where she lives, so the mother has been asking us to take her daughter places, we've done it a few times but really struggling with their poor hygiene.

They house is mortifying, they have been hoarders for years. The problem is the strong smell of BO stinks the car out as soon as the child get in. It's embarrassing when we take her to the cinema, arcade, food places etc.

Her clothes are absolutely dirty degrained, and she's always in the some clothes. I've tried asking how they are coping but the mum says they are coping fine, she does online shopping for anything that's needed, and says they have a picknik in the house for food. So her daughter will get them crisps, cake, sausage rolls, pasties etc.

I don't want to upset but I don't understand how her mum hasn't smelt the BO or noticed how dirty her clothes are. I don't think they are short of money, so don't know why she doesn't get a cleaner in who can make them a meal for an hour or so a day and do some laundry etc.

How can I tell them about the BO and clothes. I did ask the mum how they were managing to do laundry and toiletries, food shopping etc. She said the carers do some washing, that they are managing OK with that and that she get shower gell, and deodorant for her child with her online food shop so they are fine with that too. Just don't how to approach the subject now.

How old is the child?

I have a (distant) relative like this. Personally, I’ve found that there is no point talking, just wash the clothes yourself when the child stays over.

I would propose school and /or social services involvement. The child, whatever age, is being neglected (possibly without malice, but owing to circumstances) and needs support. It's very kind of you to take her out on trips and perhaps you can continue to do that, but she needs greater support. Maybe try young carers organisations too.

You need to make a referral to social services. That child is a child in need and is a young career. They both need help and support. I’m surprised there is family support involved already.

Oh OP, this is awful all round. The first thing is to speak to the school safeguarding team and children’s social services direct (just in case the school don’t move quickly).

You also need to talk to social services about the family’s home care team who appear not to be doing their jobs.

You are very good to get involved, if you can possibly afford to, I would buy the child 2 outfits from somewhere cheap plus a wash bag with soap, shower gel and shampoo and tell the mum you are doing a bit of a routine change what with the girls ages and you’ll include her daughter in this. Make it a nice statement rather than a question.

But mainly they need urgent intervention.

Social services need to be contacted as soon as possible.

Social Services and maybe the child’s school. Kind of you to try and help but this needs more than you can do on your own.

@Blueberrysky1 did you last post under a different username?

It's pretty obvious that SS need to be involved.

You need to ring SS and ask for them to get involved as obviously they are not coping

Mum has her pride for sure, but seriously they need help

Firstly, @Blueberrysky1 - you are amazing for taking this on and clearly a deeply kind person. As a PP said, when the girl comes to stay is a good opportunity to wash her clothes and get her cleaned up. But you definitely need to involve social services because she is being neglected due to circumstances and is a young carer.

You could do an anonymous mash referral or speak to the school. I am sure the school will have raised concerns anyhow tbh.

I'd talk to the school and social services.

I would report to the school and social services as she is being neglected and I would have her to stay on a Friday or Saturday night and bath her and wash her clothes so she went home clean

Surely the school must notice. Poor bairn.

Literally everything @theduchessofspork said here. I think its a kind and tactful way of dealing with the problem. The mum might have lost her sense of smell after the stroke, BTW. I dont have a sense of smell, and I worry a lot about smelling.

Omg OP! This is so incredibly sad, such a tricky situation for all involved!
Well done for taking her out so she still has a friend to do fun things with. I'd reach out to her school and let them know exactly what you have said on here. She's technically a young carer like others have said, so she and mum should be getting a little more support. The school should be able to put some things in place to arrange this and get the ball rolling, without the little girl and her mum knowing it was you.

Maybe grab her a couple simple outfits (leggings, a hoodie, a couple of T-shirts) from primark or make a day out of it for the girls? (Only if you're able to of course!) Or ask her mum to send her with some spending money to do this? I managed to grab a nice outfit for each of my nieces for under £10 each in there last week.

Hopefully things will get a bit better for this little girl and her mummy, they sound super lucky to have you and your daughter as friends, OP!