how should I respond to an upsetting e-mail

[helenmc]

I'm totaaly useless at these kind of situations, and always end up making things worse by trying to make things better. A week ago I got an e-mail, , I feel extremely hurt (spent the night crying and couldn't sleep)and the accusations unfair and although I can see where the other person is coming from. ANyway started to write a reply and thought no be big and bold and talk to them...no answer. What would you do ? continue to avoid the person and let thing ssettle or thrash it out once and for all

depends on what it is really. Can you tell us more?

Is this a work email or a personal one? can you give us a bit more information?

If you are really upset it might be best to write everything down in an E-mail. You can be much more controlled and not let your emotions get the better of you.

But of course it depends upon context. Any more details you can give?

it's not work, but a charity committee, and its about using procedures and using the charity's name without representing the whole committe, and questioning my motives (which was the bit I found the most upsetting).

Helenmc, I've just had to deal with a similar situation with, um, a very well known National Charity. It involved whispering behind my back and talking about me at committee meetings I was not at, refusing to tell me what was said, calling friends who did tell me "spineless and dishonest" etc etc.

If it's not work, just walk away. I entered into email tag trying to sort my problem out as I was too upset to speak to anyone face to face and it just got worse. In the end I thought " them", transferred my membership to another branch and told them I'd terminated my membership. Even now, I still find myself thinking "And another thing...!" and want to start the whole debate up again but I decided to leave it behind me and try to forget about it. I've severed pretty much all my ties to the original branch with a few notable exceptions. It became clear that one person was responsible for it all and was above reproach and could say what they wanted whereas I was "expendable" I guess.

I've had the tears, the sleepness nights, the feeling of having been "stamped on" and I decided I was worth more than that; I deserved better. It has made me very wary about getting involved in anything like this again.

As I said, my advice is just to walk away if you can't sort it out. I sent a goodbye email together with the lyrics for Robbie Williams's "No Regrets" and blocked them from mailing me. Made me feel good anyway.

I sincerely hope you can get it sorted, you have my every sympathy.

(you can email me on sandersteadsoupdragon at yahoo . co . uk if you like.)

Did the mail come from the Chair of the Committee, or someone authorised to enact the charity's rules on this matter? Has this person just made up some "guidelines" on the hoof to catch you out and make you look small? Or can they produce a copy or other proof that it is not just their interpretation versus yours?
When you say you decided to speak to them about it (brave you) did they just blank you, or change the subject? We are all tempted to use e-mail instead of taking things up personally, and it could be that you threw them off balance by not playing the game right.
Poor you. The voluntary sector puts people through stresses and strains the like of which would be banned in the paid sector, and I think SoupDragon's wise words are excellent.

Personally I would email everyone asking them to please contact you in person if they are unhappy about anything, rather than using email. Leave it at that, if they have anything to say you have left the door open. Also keep receipts of everything you purchase, draft letters, all correspondance, everything. So that if anyone accuses you, you have a dossier of evidence backing you up.

And as Soupdragon says, if it continues then just walk away.

I'm involved in a charity too. I give up a lot of my spare time sending out newsletters, posting cards (sometimes I don't even claim my postage back), fundraising, trawling the internet for charities that might fund us, etc. Yet recently all the photos of all the members of staff for the charity were put in the newsletter, and yes I was not there. I am not included in any of the meetings, nor is my name mentioned anywhere. I think I know why, but that does not concern me because at the end of the day, I am not involved for myself, but for the children we are aiming to support. And because they haven't got me any further involved, if it gets too much, I won't feel bad about pulling out!

It was the chair. I rang her home number which was transferred to their mobile and her dh answered, he asked who it was and then said they were at a party, so I said I'd catch up later. I'm guessing she's probably as upset as me., which is why she e-mailed in the first place.

helenmc, I would try and be really brave and have a talk, email are great for some situations but for others it can become as ping pong situation and can go on for longer than need be.

Be brave, have the talk, and from there decide where you want to go next, as soon as you can, or it ends up being on your mind ALL THE TIME, and its that time of year when there are so many other things to think about, and nice things to enjoy.

Rhubarb; I received the newsletter you are talking about, and as I knew you were involved and I had seen your name on the website (Xmas cards etc) I did expect to see your little face!!

I think emailing things like this is cowardly. She is probably horrified that you want to talk to her in person because she is a coward. You can't force her to talk to you but you certainly don't have to avoid her if you haven't done anything wrong. I suspect that if you talk to her she'll back off instantly, so it might be worth persuing the matter.

OMG Ems! I had no idea! Here I am trashing the charity thinking no-one would know what I was talking about!!! Of course I totally forgot you got in contact with me! DOH! Feel really stoopid now!

Rhubarb, oh dont be silly!! It just goes to show that committees and charities are all so similar, and we are all so similar into what we take to heart!?

Good for you for doing what you do, you're doing a good thing. But as with anything, we do feel that it wouldnt hurt now and then to be appreciated, don't we.

I think you need to reply. Perhaps you should email her back, stating that, although you appreciate her point of view, you thought that email is an inappropriate method to discuss such serious matters and suggest that the points be taken up one by one in a full committee meeting, then copy the email to every member of the committee.

Don't let her separate you from the group and pick you off. Make sure yo have an answer for every one of the points in her initial email. This gives you time to calm yourself down and prepare your defense.

thansk for your help every-one - I bite the bullet and phoned. An yes she was worried about what she'd written being taken the wrong way - so we've kissed and made up

helenmc, what a hero you are! It is so difficult to face up to these situations - I have recently twice bottled out of a minor confrontation with a teacher at DS's school so I think for you to ring her is a very brave thing to do. I am glad that you have made up - hope it stays that way!

anh - no I wasn't a hero - I was quacking, but it helped that she answered the phone is such a friendly, genuinely pleased that I'd rung (she'd lost my number and to stop cold calls we're not in the phone book and semi -ex directory so she was really waiting for me to ring!)...which all makes me feel a bit of a over-sensitive cow!!! so you never know in these situations - perhaps they aren't as bad as they make out

I'm so glad you had a happy ending to this

helenmc - doing it when you are quacking (bless!) makes you more of a hero, not less. I quack too but don't follow through. So well done you!