1 year anniversary - should I stay or should I go?

[pawpawgingins]

My boyfriend and I will be celebrating 1 year soon. We have been exclusive from the start.

I’ve been doing some reflection in the past month because compared to my (many) other relationships from the past, this one is the best yet the weirdest…and the weird bits are making me feel weird.

• It is not as deep as I’m used to. In other relationships, things would get deeper very much sooner. But BF is very reserved and slow to let down walls. I liked at first as I enjoyed moving slowly. But now we nearly 1 year together it is feeling a bit superficial.
• He never asks me about personal things in my life. If I volunteer he listens and acknowledges but doesn’t follow up. I’ve had a interesting life, lived in different countries, had different careers and even my own business at some point, my upbringing was very very unusual. I was married twice. He NEVER asks any questions about my past. It feels like he has zero curiosity. He asks about the present: my day, my week, my projects etc
• He never asks about how I feel, what I think about world events etc. I’m the one asking him for his opinions and views but he doesn’t ask mine opinions and views back. If I share, fine, if I don’t fine. This is the same for the experiences / activities we do together for our dates.
• I’m a curious person and I ask a lot about him, his childhood, his family, his hobbies and interests etc as a way to get to know him, his values, his character, his personality better. I’m always waiting for him to do the same. He never does.
• For example, on our first date, we found out that I lived and worked for 2 years at the country he was born in (but family moved out when he was a toddler) - it is his parents home country. It is a very unique and mysterious country. Not many foreigners go there, especially to live and work. We both do love the food of that country and understand the language. He never asked how I ended up there, what I was doing while there, my job etc. I have not shared details yet on purpose waiting for him to ask. It baffles me.

Do you think he is just not a curious person or he is not interested in me really, he doesn’t care to get to know me better?

Or is it fear of getting deep and an unconcious attempt to not get too emotionally involved?

I feel like I’ve been patient but it is been nearly a year now and I need to to the ‘next level’ now. More intimacy.

BTW, there is no intention to get married, move in together, have children, from any of us. We like the areangement we have as it is, no changes needed, a part from me wanting something a bit more deep

Looking forward to hearing any opinions on this.

He does seem emotionally unavailable perhaps because there is no expectation of building a future together or just aloof of how to have conversation. I think you either click together or you don't, you've given it a good go, but you're missing out on someone that can offer you a feeling of a real relationship rather than superficial. I think a year is long enough to know.

Thank you and yes, this is a tough one.

Sometimes I think it lasted so long because of the lack of expectation of moving forward with entangling life plans.

I do wonder about emotional availability but on another hand is is pretty consistent and amazing at following through. His actions always match his words. Also he remembers all the details of what I tell him, even though he never asked to hear about it.

And his parents are still together, his sister in a long term happy marriage with adult children, it seems like all his friends are either married or have long term partners.

Yesterday I told him if he realised he is the only single person (as in not married / living together)in his circle of friends.

Once I asked him why he never get married and he said he never met someone he felt like getting married to.

The question now is - is it even possible to build a deep relationship without getting married / live together? I believe it is and if he can't do that I will have to move on.
I just don't know how to bring this up though.

I found this with men when I was online dating. I would ask them about their lives but they never asked questions about mine. How do you get to know someone if you aren't interested in their lives? Felt very one sided and I learnt to treat it as a red flag.

He could be emotionally unavailable / have an avoidant attachment style. You need to decide if it’s something you are able to live with, as it may never change.