Please come talk to me if you're a married woman who feels she's raising those kids alone....

[Janni]

I've been married 12 years and have three children, 11, 8 and 3. The youngest is adopted and has particular emotional and medical needs. There is a lot of squabbling between her and the 8 year old, so looking after them is not a particularly easy task.

DH is a lawyer who is extremely successful at what he does, but is increasingly tired of it and would like to stop and do something different. He thinks he might be financially secure enough in a year's time to change direction, but also wavers because he could never hope to earn as much as he does in any other field. He is not a workaholic, but is keen to ensure we are financially stable before he changes direction.

I have never stood in his way, I have done practically all the childcare and housework.
I wouldn't even think of trying to do an evening class because his hours are so unpredictable. We moved to be within 10 minutes of his work but two or three times a year, plus before and after any holiday his work goes insane and he is in the office till the early hours. We're in one of those periods now. He had very little time at home over Easter, he has worked solidly for the past two weeks, including weekends, not getting home till very late. He is really stressed out.

I am completely and utterly sick of it. I am 42 and would like to be able to go back to work at some stage before I reach retirement age. Do you think I should INSIST he resigns
next year, as is his wish? He wavers because
if he stayed longer he could earn considerably more. I am quite a frugal person, I appreciate fincancial security but have no interest in money for its own sake, my tastes are very simple. We are quite mismatched there because he dreams of being able to retire and live a life of luxury!

I would appreciate your advice and opinions.

Its not only women who are married to high-flying achievers with huge salary who can't commit to the like of evening classes etc. What about single parents or parents in a relationship like mine: DH is freelance (tv sports journalist) and I literally never know from one week to the next where he's going to be or how long he's going to be away. Or if he's going to be working at all - so often he's at home under my feet all day when the dcs are at school/nursery, then working evenings and weekends.

I know this is not your situation, OP, but there are loads of Mumsnetters with little or no help in the home who do not even have financial security as a comforter when they feel they are doing it all. Just a thought.

8 months isnt very much time at all, especially as you say dc3 has quite significant emotional needs. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Give yourself and your family time to adjust to what has been a major life change - the adoption of your dd. Everyone needs time for things to settle. You've made a start on nursery which is great, and it will get easier as time goes by. I think it's more realistic to have a plan which isnt all or nothing - ie your dh doesnt have to give up work, or do anything drastic, but which will enable you to get a life of your own going. How about planning to return to work when dc3 starts school - which is only 18 months or so away? Have an interim plan for the meantime - maybe investigate retraining etc.

Alfiesbabe - that does sound realistic and I think I should be planning for that time when she starts school - Sept next year.

Eekamoose - you're absolutely right and I know we're much more fortunate than many families. That's why I like MN - it kicks you up the backside

ahundredtimes - you've hit the nail on the head. I am passive. Because I could never earn anything like what DH does I've not even bothered planning for a future career and I really should.

I have done a bit of part-time work eg teaching French, teaching piano, working in a playgroup, playing piano for dance classes, when the older children were in school and before our DD joined us. But because our family life has all centred around DHs work, I've lost sight of my life and me as a person.

Then I think it is slowly, slowly isn't it? Because all your responsibilities aren't going to disappear, but like afliesbabe says, you should start the ball rolling now by looking into possible training or re-training or even just reading the jobs pages.

I do think it is the answer.

and don't be frightened about thinking about addressing the childcare situation so that you can start doing stuff, if you want to. It's just starting to take the first steps that can be quite harrowing!

If you feel you've lost yourself, that's a different matter I think and there are prob small things you could do to help with that. But only you know what they are.

(I'm a finance manager, v boring, but I earn a lot more than dh and was sole earner for a while)

God MN is wonderful isn't it!

Here is my plan.

1. I will do all in my power to settle DD into her nursery - they're very good and are working with me to help her.

2. I will have a very serious talk with DH about how I am feeling and that I need him to come up with a realistic plan for downshifting, with a timescale, that he will stick to, so that I know where I stand.

3. I will make a concerted effort to work out what I want to do with the rest of my life and plan to return to work either full or part time when DD starts school next September

4. I will stop being so passive about my own life and my own needs.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond xx

Now come and help me get my older kids into bed!!! (only kidding ) They're trying to persuade me that it's not even nine o'clock yet.

I don't get why you getting on with your life is dependent on your dh stopping work?

i raise our kids alone (3 and 7) as dh works abroad for long periods but I manage a responsible job and a life of my own.

Not stopping work, Moondog, changing direction, downshifting.

I have been misguided to let everything revolve around his work.

Changes are afoot!

You can do that too.
I am

What dh does is important (and brings in lots of dosh) but so is what I do.

DH came home at 11p.m. last night and we talked for an hour before he went back to the office for the night..is now sleeping for 2 hours, then it all starts again until this bloody deal is complete.

He knows we can't carry on like this and that we're reaching some sort of crisis point - I didn't actually have to point that out. When this current bout of work slows down I will keep up the discussion about downshifting - he is making active plans about how he can do it.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom xx

It's very difficult in our line of employment to actually to be able to carry on with what we do when the children are young isn't it Janni.

Unless I did shifts at the weekends. I can't go back to nursing and if I did do weekend shifts we would never have a family life. In fact even at weekends it isn't guaranteed that DH will be at home. My family live too far away for me to ask for help from them as I could with DS1.

I am looking to change direction once DS3 starts school next year, but like you say, we need to do some kind of course to be able to do this.

I do have to agree with Soapbox though. When your DD does start to allow you a few hours respite, it does makes things so much better. DS3 thankfully loves nursery and I love the peace He is going to be at nursery 4 mornings a week after the holidays and I'm planning on using one of those mornings to do a computer course (if I can find one!)

Thanks Squirdle, yes our situation sounds very similar. Wouldn't you know it, DD bawled her eyes out and refused to stay at nursery today.
I wasn't expecting that and had neither the heart nor the energy to force her.

Will try again tomorrow!

It is very difficult when they are unhappy about being left. I know DS3 is fine because he had been taking DS2 for 2 yrs and was desperate to go. Just keep trying and hopefully one day she will realise how much fun it is.

I am now alone until Friday (well alone as in parenting alone - wouldn't mind if he took the boys with him )

Know what you mean - being TRULY alone is BLISS!!

I am going to be ready tomorrow when I take her to nursery, it caught me off guard today as she seemed happy to go. Tomorrow I will get out of there before she has a chance to react !!!!
Am already starting with the bribery tonight - there's a big treat tomorrow WHEN I pick her up!!

Janni you clearly desperately need to do something for you, even if it is not income-generating.

I can empathise absolutely with not being able to commit to evening classes, etc because of DH's hours. Until recently my DH was away a lot of the time (the adjustment to having him home a lot is not without issues either BTW ). Could you find a reliable babysitter so that you could do something when the DC are in/heading for bed, regardless of whether DH has made it home? You could regard it as a gentle introduction to what it would take for you to be able to go back to work, and possibly acquire some skills which would open up different job options?

You're right, stealthsquiggle. Had a friend round for a drink tonight as DH still working and it was great. I really need to do more nice stuff for me. We used to have DHs brother as babysitter, but he moved and we haven't found anyone else yet. Will make it a priority.

I have a friend whose DH took a sabbatical for a year and they have driven each other insane

Squirdle - DH's deal is finally complete and I'm getting HIM to take DD to nursery today - she's used to saying goodbye to him so that might work better

Janni a friend of mine got away with that (making her DH take DD to nursery so that she didn't cry when Mummy left her) for 3 years!

That's a good idea, Janni. These pesky children do know which buttons to press with their mums, so hopefully it'll work better with your DH. Eventually it will stop being an issue, when she realises it's lots of fun. DS2 (aged 5) says he likes being at home with me atm and although he goes to school very happily, he still likes to know what I am doing all day (not that he thinks about me all day I am sure!) so I tell him I have to do washing, hoovering, shopping all very boring things.

Janni - Sounds like we have been living very similiar lives. I too for the past 12 years have done almost all the childcare, hosework, family admin etc etc We can count on one hand the number of times DH has picked up/taken either child to school etc. It is really hard. I can never rely on him to be home if I want to go out, the mobile and Blackberry come to bed with us, on holiday with us etc I sympathise and we came to the conclusion that it did not matter what he was earning life was just needed to be lived a little.

An opportunity has presented itself to DH which he has taken. We move from London life to hundreds of miles away, for him a commute of 1/1.5 hours will be 15/20 mins down country lanes and the work/life balance is going to be better - even if he works "late" he'll be home by 7 . The money isn't quite as good but you know, I married the man because I like hanging out with him not his wallet.

I hope you can find a way forward.

claricebean - that sounds great. I really hope it works out for you! We moved back INTO London from the country to avoid his commute but his job has got worse and worse. He does know now that we can't go on like this. I am feeling much more hopeful today

Squirdle - fingers crossed. She knows there's some lovely icecream in the freezer for her if she does it today. Bad bad mummy!!

See I'm getting confused here between what you want and what you say your DP wants (both now and in a year's time).

Partnership level in a big law firm is a leasehold - he is right to work while he can - you can't climb up that particular greasy pole twice - although of course he could find another greasy pole...

People who get to partnership have drive and push and strategic vision - it's innate - he may change his job but he will still be the same man.

Why don't you do some stuff that you want to do? Is it identifying what you want to do that's the problem?

And I love the man he is, that's not the issue.
The issue, really, is that we're both dissatisfied with what's happened in that the more successful he's become, the less enjoyment he is getting from his life outside work. He has tons of other stuff he would like to do but never does.

You're right that I have let my life slide because of putting everything into raising the kids etc.

The great news is, his current deal is over so we can spend some time together, DD has gone to nursery today and stayed without bawling the place down and my feeling of 'light at the end of the tunnel' is phenomenal!

I really have taken on board what everyone has said on here.