How to switch off an interfering brain (when you can't get pissed)?

[cyteen]

OK, to explain properly so that you don't all think I'm a mad alky...

I'm in a bit of a mixed-up state at the moment and it's seriously affecting my sex life. Bit of background: I live with DP, he is wonderful and gorgeous and the perfect partner. I'm five months pregnant with our first child (much wanted). Last year my only brother, who I adored, died a horrible death from a rare cancer. The anniversary is coming up at the end of April. My mum committed suicide many years ago when I was a teenager, and the pregnancy and brother's death have stirred up all sorts of feelings about it that I thought were long dealt with. All of these things are conspiring against me ever getting in the mood - I feel confused about my body and how it's changing, I'm still grieving for my brother, but at the same time I'm so happy about the baby and about how brilliant things are with DP, and I still want DP as much as ever...

Basically my sex drive has gone into hiding while my mind is full of all these conflicting things. This has happened before, and normally the quickest way to sort it out is to get a bit drunk so that my brain shuts up and lets my body take over - once the deed is done my libido generally resets to normal. BUT obviously because of the baby I can't get pissed, and my inability to shut myself up is driving me mad. I want and need to have sex with my lovely partner, for the togetherness, the communication, the stress relief and the just plain fun of it. I just need to switch my brain off first!

So ladies, I was hoping you might have some useful tips for me. I realise this is hardly a serious problem compared to some of the things I read about on here, but your help will be much appreciated

Try reading a mucky book?

Think about whatever turns you on, and every time your mind strays to more serious stuff, stop it and make it go back to thinking those dirty thoughts that turn you on. I have a mind that doesn't always switch off, even with alcohol, and have to actively visualise sexy stuff to keep me in the mood until I'm turned on enough to stay like that..

Would watching some kind of porn help? What about discussing with your partner everytinhg you want to do to each other? Always a good turn-on!

Watch a good movie together

Something saucy if not exactly porno eg. Secretary, 9 and a half weeks, Last Tango in Paris etc

Candles, a massage, warm bath for two

Need I go on ?

Oh, and don't beat yourself up. You have had a fair share of trauma. Its natural to feel sad and stressed.

mucky film?!

But also: rather than just tackling the symptoms, have you considered going to talk to someone about everything you've been through and getting to the root of the problem? I had a fairly traumatic year last year and it brought up alllll sorts of things from the past, including my father's death. I'm now in counselling (not heavy Freudian stuff or anything, though, so don't let it put you off) and am feeling an awwwwwful lot better. Pregnancy can change all sorts of things as it gets you thinking about growing up, the new generation, going through what your parents went through when you were born, the fact that your mum isn't here to see all this (very, very for you) and all sorts of things like that - and it's much easier to deal with if you go and talk to someone about it all. AND of course keep up the sex!

Sorry to get so serious on you but your story sounds so very, very familiar Have a think about it!

Counselling sounds wise.

Or, if you want to experiment with your libido, it might be more safe to experiment on your own - see if you can manage a wank first. That way, if it goes wrong, you don't end up hurting your DP's feelings.

cbt

cbt could help with the libido but probably wouldn't help in the long run? Grief which is left un-"dealt with" (for want of a better word) will still keep coming back and popping up at unwelcome times (as it is now), even if you train your brain not to have certain responses, as cbt will.

(Let's hope cyteen is busy as-we-type and has found a way of overcoming the issue this evening!)