DP doesn't want to move house

[BG2015]

Met my DP 10 years ago just as I was about to move house after splitting with my ex 12 months previously.

After a year he moved in with me and my 2 teenage boys. Great 9 years in this house. DP has given me decent rent, done things in the house, put in a new fence, re-designed garden, decorating etc.

My eldest DS moved out a few years ago and I had breast cancer in 2021 and then developed on going health issues as a result. My DP has supported me throughout my cancer treatment and subsequent health condition.

So, I find myself struggling at work & having a great deal of time off sick. Meanwhile 3 of us are living in 4 bedroomed house, with 2 bedrooms and one bathroom never used. And although very happy here, the house is just too big now.

So last year I decided that downsizing and paying off my mortgage would be the way forward. Then I could think about retiring sooner rather than later. I began looking at houses and in January I put the house up for sale.

My DP (& my DS who's 20) were both a bit shocked that I was actually going ahead with it.

So now the house is now sold I'm buying another but my DP is dead against it. He knows it's ultimately my choice as it's my house but he's constantly making comments about what a bad decision it is.

To make matters worse we're going from a newish house to a 50's semi. Smaller, older etc.

He's not being nasty or anything like that but knowing that he doesn't want to move is making me so sad and anxious. I'm doubting myself and my decision.

What reasons does he give?

Did you discuss it with him and your DS first? Since they also live there

Yes discussed at length, particularly after my ongoing health issues continued to be an issue. We're moving 1.2 miles away.

We have got the house just how we want it. It's lovely. New kitchen, carpets, en-suite. New fitted wardrobes. It's just fab and if I'm totally honest I don't want to move either.

But, it's 3 storey house and as a result of radiotherapy my asthma has become very severe. I struggle with the stairs.

I want to retire from teaching and I can't do that if we continue to live here. I have another 9 years on my mortgage.

His argument is that we will need to do loads to the new house, but when we first moved here back in 2015 it wasn't great, I think he's forgotten that.

We've sat and written a list of pro's and cons today and he admits it's for the best, he's just not happy.

Well unless he's going to pay off the mortgage so you can retire and pay for a stairlift or lift then he needs to accept that moving isn't optional.

I think you need to say to him bluntly, 'I know you want to stay here - but my health is fucked and I'm desperate to give up teaching and retire. So sadly, much as you might not like it, that's what is happening'.

And then ignore any other comments.

Unfortunately for him and the 20 yo it's your house. You pay the mortgage. You get to decide that you are going to pay it off and downsize.

I think I'm finding it so hard because deep down I love it here too and I want everybody to be happy. But the house is just too big now and the draw of being mortgage free is too great.

The house I'm buying isn't perfect, but what house is. You always have to compromise don't you.

Plus the 20 (soon to be 21) year old will have left home in the next 5 years.

In 2 years time when we've made our mark on it, I know he will agree it was the right thing to do.

@BG2015 Stay strong! You obviously have built good memories and had happy times in your current home, but honestly - (as an ex teacher) the joy of being able to retire/pay off the mortgage can't be overestimated.

You've had enough health worries on your plate, and teaching is tough now.

Can you offer a small olive branch in if there is any money pay for trades to do some work on new place to get it how you want it quicker without DP doing the work?

I can see both sides, sounds like you both have done loads to this house, it's just as you want then you sell up. I would be a bit miffed if I had worked on DP house and then it was up for sale.

But to be mortgage free instead of extra space in house you don't need is also huge. You can retire early which you would clearly benefit from and just because why shouldn't you?

I guess there might be some feelings from DP that the decisions about housing are really all yours.

But if he is paying less as well as you you can pay for more trades to do the work on new house.

I would keep talking like I said it probably just feels a bit imbalanced right now.

Is there a reason why you're not getting a mortgage together and having equal responsibility for the roof over your heads?

Your house, your money, your choice. Trust me he will come around as you have left him no choice.

I'm fully in favour of your early retirement plans good on you

60's and eary 70's houses easier to heat and look after and most towards end of 70's and newr are cardboard boxes and on very tightght eastes - make sure your move to 52 property has new eltrics and plumbings and roof/gutters and fences as once you are in, its hard to have everything torn up

Good luck at your new place

I'm 55. I earn more than my DP.

One failed marriage. Two children from this and a decent ex-husband who split our equity 70/30.

One failed relationship where he was a money grabbing tw*t. Thank god I protected my input into the property we bought together.

Will never buy a property with another man again. My current DP totally understands this.

My children will benefit from my hard work when I die. I've left a sum to my DP if I die before him.

One of the advantages of downsizing, if the new house needs attention anyway, is that you can install minor modifications to make life easier before they become vital as you go along.
If you simply stay put in what sounds like a lovely house, you may be putting things off until there is a crisis, when you will be forced to make a less considered choice.
My friend's elderly father was given a brutal choice by his doctor, who could see that his (slightly younger) wife was being run ragged, "you can have a three-storey house, or a wife, but not both!"
Clearing out and moving was quite the undertaking, even with three adult children weighing in, but he did concede that he made the right choice, and the new home was much more manageable.

Well then if it's your house, and you're paying, it's your choice. He can live elsewhere if he chooses.

Mortgage free wins hands down, let alone adding in health issues.

Your house; your money; your choice. 50s semis are great; best house I’ve ever lived in.

Thanks everyone.

I just need to be stronger and stand my ground.

Too much of a bloomin' people please pleaser.Youd think at 55 I'd have learnt 🥴

Does your DP have a property that is being rented out or enough money to get a separate property? If you predecease him, where will he live? Will he have a lifetime interest in the property or do you expect him to move out promptly? I think it is slightly unfair if he is expected to do a lot of DIY on the new property but I understand why you don’t want to give up your security.

Have you totally exhausted medical help to improve your asthma so you can remain in your property and at work, perhaps reducing your hours to part time?

Who is going to be doing the work on the new house? If you are expecting him to, especially when he is not on the deeds, then I can see why he isn't keen to move.

I admire you so much. I know I need to do the same . House bigger than I need, health not great , good time to sell . BUT I don't want to . Don't want to pack anything, do work on another house , new neighbourhood. Wish it was an easier transition. Maybe your DP feels the same . It is a long time in your current property and most people find change difficult.

I effectively forced a house move to be mortgage free 4 years ago. My Dh and late teen DC were dead against it, we downsized massively and have no mortgage. Between the cost of living crisis and my DH declining health everyone now agrees it was the right thing to do but god did I feel a huge amount of pressure at the time and guilt for uprooting everyone.

You are an admirable woman and you're doing the right thing. Carry on. Where will your DP live when you eventually (after a long and happy life) die? Might be worth thinking about that. Maybe he's upset at moving because he'll lose his evidence of how much he's put into the house when he tries to make a claim to stay there.

You can start responding

"Neither do I but I can't afford to stay here and retire to enjoy whatever good health I have left"