I would love for a man to mind me, for once..

[jennybeele]

After years of minding everyone else , I'd love for a man to mind me for a change. I've been that people pleaser, care taker, nurse with a purse etc all of my life and now I've had extensive counselling and have realised that this is what I want. Someone to take away the heaviness of life through care and kindness and romantic love.
I have so much to give too but I don't know where to begin as to how to express my needs without coming across as an absolute needy , clingy woman .
I'm really not. I just need love from a man who is will ing to help me relieve life's heavy load.
Do these men even exist?

Yes , I'd say so.

When my dc were two and five my dh went away for work for six months and in that time I felt like this. That I was nobody's priority. I had friends ds, my family and my children. I was perfectly happy but I didn't have that one person who was the first person I wanted to tell something to. I didn't even know it was a 'thing' until then.

One of our son's is like that and he works, high ranking job brill pay and his OH is a housewife and he does most of the cooking, domestics, etc etc

Thanks for that response ..
I am terribly lonely and was all through my Married life with an emotionally constipated man.
Like you, I have my kids , great family, friends but I do miss that special person in my
Life , not even to live with but that special other ...
I am so tired and so drained being a single , full time working mother.
Then eight or nine o clock at night comes round and it's me and the tv and the wine sometimes , which I need to knock on the head as it's just a stupid habit.

Stop worrying how you'll 'come across'. This isn't about what sort of men are out there, or whether you're needy. It's about looking for compatibility. This means that you have to insist on 'coming across' as yourself, because if you don't, how will you know when you find someone who actually likes you, and who can and wants to give you what you want from the relationship?

You've been 'not yourself' for your whole marriage, but crucially, you chose this. Even if it wasn't evident from day one, you spent a lot of your married time silencing your feelings because of someone else's judgement of you. Are you really going to set off into the dating world hiding your feelings and needs? You'll make the same mistake again if you do. It's time to be you, and walk away from anybody who judges you negatively.

This is such astute advice.
Be yourself or how will you find someone to love you for you?

Same OP..single parent...I get it. I had this..putting everyone first whilst no one put me first.. including an emotionally unavailable partner. 25 years of that partner. Im out of it now. I felt i was getting emotionally unavailable because it was only way i could cope with not being touched. Im very tactile too. I numbed myself. Its sad.
There are men out there that are going to stand by your side but i feel majority are taken..the ones not? ... Not worth bothering with..theres reasons theyre single.
I do for me now and go to meetup groups etc.

Yes. That makes so much sense thanks .

I can totally understand why you feel lonely.

One of the things that made me fall in love with DH was the realisation that he was quite happy for me to be a strong, independent, competent woman - he wasn't threatened by that at all. BUT, at the same time, if I felt tired or weak or sad or was struggling he would 100% be there. That balance of his appreciation of my strength and willingness to also let me be weak was an incredible boon.

I would like ot think that lots of my friends have similar.

Yeah, hard agree with Watchkeys - if you're already worrying about being seen as "needy". you starting from the wrong place to get what you want from a relationship.

You want someone to share the load and not to do all the giving, but for it to be more like, well, an equal relationship?

So go in with that expectation, and don't lowball yourself.

I feel exactly the same the same way OP.

I've simply never had it.

I've been learning it's ok to have needs, to express them and to deserve them to be met by a partner.

What I actually want is a partner who doesn't live anywhere near me which sounds odd. I could not bear for our harmonious and easy set up to be dismantled again.
We are only coming into our rhythm as a little family after years of my exh being shouty and aggressive.
I don't want my kids involved .
I want something just for me . To meet weekly or fortnightly on our own but to have the daily chat and random message . Maybe when they've left home I would consider something more regular .
I can't imagine that that will be too easy to find !

It's not impossible to find at all OP

I'm disabled and a single parent and I find men who are more than up for looking after me... I actually find it the other way round, I don't want a carer, I want a partner and they often try to do far too much for me trying to be helpful that I feel a bit infantilised or fetishised... I guess they can't really win.

However, there's definitely a lot of men out there who actually want to take "care" of women... I just struggle with getting across where my balance and sweet spot is... yes, it might be easier for me if they do stuff but sometimes I just wanna do it myself slower anyway!

I feel for you. I felt the same up until 29 October 2017 when I met my now husband. He’s all as you describe and more. I know I’m lucky and thank my guardian angel (my mum) for bringing him to
me 💐

Lucky you ! I hope that happens for me one day .. maybe not husband but someone special .

Totally agree you have to be yourself and ask for what you need at the outset or you are setting yourself up to fail again.

You sound strong and capable and you deserve a partner who admires and appreciates that about you but is also there to care about you.

I was also married to a useless manchild who brought nothing to our relationship. Then a strong single full-time working mother.

Now I am in a relationship with a partner. He looks after me and I look after him.

That’s how it should be I think. I don't need to be looked after, I’ve proved over and over that I can look after myself but having someone who puts you first is lovely. From the little things like giving you the bigger bit of cake, or the unbroken yolk egg, to standing beside you and squeezing your hand as tightly as you need at a beloved colleague’s funeral.

There are good men out there and I’m sure you’ll find one x

Of course they exist.

However people that exploit try lower level stuff as a test consciously and subconsciously. A lot is to do with self esteem as well. My old hairdresser told me she dumped someone because she didn’t like the way he ate apples. I should have asked what it was he did but I didn’t. Whereas I have known women who will put up with increasing levels of crap for years.