How much going out partying is too much?

[Purpleflamingo9]

Ive been with my BF for almost 10 years. The one argument that we always come back to every few months is about him going out. He drinks at home regularly and has friends over every couple of months, he has hobbies that he goes out to do at least once per week sometimes it can be 2-3 times per week - I have no issue with any of this. The sticking point is going out at weekends drinking. He will stay out until 2,3,4 am with no communication at all, he’s then hungover and grumpy the next day. He doesn’t seem to see why this annoys/upsets me and then we argue anyway. The constant argument is that “he’s never allowed to do anything”. We had this fight this morning, I said but you have had friend over three times, you’ve been out to hobbies with friends probably three or four times, we’ve been away together twice and you’ve been out drinking on nights out probably three times all in the last 2-3 months and he said yes but some of that was over a month ago! I’ve said I’d be less bothered about the weekends drinking if he came home at a decent time like midnight but then he says he will and just disappears when he’s out with no communication.

The rest of our relationship works great, it’s just this that neither of us seem to be able to compromise on and it makes us both annoyed and falling out regularly, it’s always this. Is it just me!? Am I being unreasonable, is he!? I think I just want to know how much does everyone else thinks is too much and wwyd?

Do you have kids?
is he early 20’s?
Sounds like he isn’t ready or happy for a relationship tbh.

Do you have kids? And can you summarise exactly how much he's out? I've gathered 1-2 nights a week for hobbies, but how often is he on nights out for weekends? I can't make that out from your post?

I think there’s no set amount that’s right it’s whatever works for you.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone that went out all night, didn’t communicate at all and then was grumpy the next day, unless this was incredibly rare. But other people would be fine with it.

However, If he’s out at hobbies 2-3 times a week and out at the weekend until early hours of the morning and then grumpy the next day writing off the whole weekend, and he still feels like he doesn’t get to do anything he wants, he sounds quite immature and not like a partner at all. More like he wants to act like he’s single.
what quality time do you spend together, assuming you’re both in work through the week, and he’s out the house 3/4 evenings a week and hungover one weekend day.

you say the rest of your relationship is great, what would happen if you acted the same? Who facilitates meals and cooking and cleaning, couple time or anything else required of an adult partnership.

He’s in his 40’s. I have a son but he doesn’t have children, we’ve lived together for seven years.

When he’s out for hobbies in the weeks it’s usually on average I’d say about three to five hours for each activity, some of these he does alone some are with friends.

If he wants to go out at a weekend, that more like leaving between 6-8pm and I’m lucky if he’s home by 2am. He’ll often message about 11pm to say he’s having a last beer and heading home but then all contact stops and he just doesn’t appear for hours, or he’ll say I’ll set an alarm for 10.30 to remind me to come home but once he’s out he has fun and is gone till the early hours with no call message nothing. I am paranoid about what he ends up getting up to and have explained that but he tells me to grow up, he just doesn’t seem to see my side of it so I thought I’d see if it’s just me or what others think!

I’d say it’s fine until it interferes with holding down a job/ family life/ financially not viable. Sounds like it’s ruining your family life. I wouldn’t have children with him as he’ll be leaving it all to you.

Well, he hit the jackpot, didn't he? Sex on tap, a skivvy, and he can do whatever the fuck he wants and doesn't even have to pretend to put in an effort. For a selfish prick with a drinking problem, he's done quite well for himself.

Why do you care how late he is? If he’s grumpy the next day that’s the issue, not his lateness. I’d find someone telling me what time I have to be home very controlling. He’s an adult.

To add, your relationship and this man are appalling examples for your son.

How frequently are the weekend nights out? 1 a month? Every weekend? When you're saying you're worried about what he's getting up to, do you mean you worry about him being unfaithful? Doing drugs?

Of course it's an issue. It's part of the whole problem. He obviously doesn't care at all to spend time with the op.

It would piss me off becatse it means you don’t have weekend time

How has this gone on so long? It’s quite key and you sound quite different

Well you certainly can't control him if that's what he wants to do. You can only decide that this bum is not good enough for you. Accept it or walk away.

If he doesn’t have kids or responsibilities then I don’t understand the issue with a night out once every few weeks so I assume theirs more to this? Is he abusive, disrespectful or otherwise acting unreasonable when he comes home? Does he throw up or piss everywhere? Does he bring other people home? If he’s just coming home and going to bed it wouldn’t be an issue so what is the actual problem?

I agree with the poster who asked what exactly you get out of the relationship? I think if it was a casual relationship (early twenties) then fine - it is the time to work out who you are and have different experiences. i wouldn't want to be going out with someone in their forties who is doing the same thing unless we were together some of the time and I enjoyed going out till 4am too. Now I am older I prioritise different things and I find going out drinking very boring. A few drinks and/or a nice meal with friends for a few hours is great. Binge drinking till the early hours and ruining the next day is not so great especially if you have kids. I think I would be prioritising you and your wants and needs Op (is this the kind of life you want?) and also those of your child? The bf sounds like an aging manchild tbh.

Is she wanting to hang out between 12 and 2am? I doubt it.

Can't really work it out from your post - does it go out drinking once every few months?

Doesn't sound bad to me, but from experience someone who prioritises a hobby will struggle not to because s/he will resent the feeling of not being 'allowed'. Ultimately things like that come down to compatibility.

He not it! 😆

Sounds like you’ve got yourself a man-child and you sound fundamentally different as people.

I am in my 30s and my partying / heavy drinking days are behind me (and boy did I indulge in my 20s…) so I would not entertain a relationship with someone who still liked to go out till late drinking, taking drugs, clubbing etc. I’ve even drifted apart from old friends because I no longer want to socialise the way we used to socialise.

You need to think about what you want from a relationship and whether you’re getting that from your boyfriend. It might seem sad to break up a 10-year relationship over this, but to me it seems like a truly fundamental disagreement that you’re not going to reach a compromise on.

The rest of our relationship works great,

So what is the rest of your relationship if he’s constantly out of the house with friends and hobbies?

What do you do together as a couple/family?

Nah he'd be out. What was his living situation before he cocklodged moved in with you and DC?

It sounds like your preferred lifestyles just don't align.
I have friends who rarely go out partying and wouldn't want to be with anyone who goes out as often as your partner, and I have friends who go out most nights and wouldn't want to be with anyone who would want to restrict that. There's no "one size fits all" for these things.

But then OP has a son

And where is there family time in all this? Do they go out together?

It’s not clear from the OP how old the son is or how often he sees his Dad , but OP has been with her partner 10 years so likely the son from a previous relationship is a teenager, he may have no interest in days out with his mum and her BF. He might be at his dad’s on these evenings and weekends. It’s also not clear how often OPs partner is actually going out. OP says ‘you have had friend over three times, you’ve been out to hobbies with friends probably three or four times, we’ve been away together twice and you’ve been out drinking on nights out probably three times all in the last 2-3 months’ it sounds a lot when listed until she says this was all in the last 3 months.

So friend over 3 times in 3 months means he has a friend over roughly once a month.

Been out to hobbies 3-4 times with friends, so maybe once every 3 weeks.

Been out drinking 3 times, so again only doing it once a month.

That means it’s not even once a week that the OP’s partner is doing something with friends. That still leaves plenty of time for ‘family time.’ Is seeing friends once a week really that unreasonable if in a relationship? Unless there is more to this it doesn’t sound unreasonable to me.

If it was every weekend, I'd be unhappy, but it sounds more like once a month?

Do you socialise together?

You say you're OK with him having friends over and going out to hobbies etc, so you made a silly mistake bringing all that into it if the real issue to you is him getting rat-arsed at the weekend and being too hungover to be pleasant.

3-5 hours each activity and 2-3 activities a week? What on earth is he doing? Is he an equal partner at home regarding housework etc? Are you both working FT/PT? What’s his relationship like with your son? Do they spend a lot of time together, is he a good role model?