Emotionally unavailable/not interested

[Tiredalways2024]

In your opinion, if a man was going through a hard time in his life and during this time he stopped reading your messages or started taking longer to reply does this always mean he's just not that into you?
I called him out (because I got fed up of trying to be supportive while he was essentially ignoring me) and his reply was...
I'm sorry for making you feel like that, I know you want to talk but sometimes when things get too much for me I just stop and try to focus on the things that are crap. It's a terrible trait and it annoys me.

I do know that things in his life aren't going well and that he's used to dealing with things on his own, he's quite emotionally unavailable.
It could just be a nice way of saying he's bored of me though couldn't it?

I think he's telling you he's having a hard time & can't meet your needs.

I would back away from someone who kept hassling me when I'm dealing with difficult things.

Does it matter? I’ve stopped worrying about why people behave in ways that make me feel bad/sad/mad and I focus on stopping them from doing it. In the case of long term family or friends I might talk to them and ask them to be less shit or cut back on contact if they can’t behave well. For new people in my life I just exit them from my life.

The guy sounds like he is making you sad and not once in a blue moon but consistently. Who cares why, just let him go!

Could be either, and other options also available.

I know plenty of people who go into a kind of shut down mode when feeling overwhelmed, and don't communicate because it's all too much, so that is perfectly plausible.

It could also mean that he isn't that interested in you.

It could also mean that although you're trying to be supportive, it isn't landing for him and he sees your interaction as a drain on his already depleted resources rather than a support, so avoids rather than leans on you.

One thing I do think you should probably bear in mind though, is that whatever it is, it's his issue, not yours. Don't take on burdens that aren't yours, nor judgements that you might perceive him to be making - stuff people do is nearly always about them, and not about the other person...

Was going to say the same as pp, does it matter?

essentially you have a grown ass man who cannot act like an adult when things get a little tough. And he told you this. So end it and move on and go for someone with more emotional maturity.

he stopped reading your messages
stopped reading them. Reading became too much!

sometimes when things get too much for me I just stop and try to focus on the things that are crap.
which makes sense to prioritisse things, but he stops dealing with anything other than the issues. Also how often are things getting too much for him? And what things? General life?

It's a terrible trait and it annoys me. but not enough not to do it. And he has told you now so do not complain about it later…

I do know that things in his life aren't going well
in what way? And how does this appeal to you in a new boyfriend?

he's quite emotionally unavailable.
and then this. Seriously????

Do you like a project in a man?
mare you having fun with him?
when was your last date and what did you do?

Depends what the "hard time" is. Sometimes people use it as an excuse to let someone down gently. But obviously people can also be going through a genuinely hard time for hundreds of reasons in which case they'll naturally have less bandwidth to give to someone they've just started dating, and in that case it's a bit self-absorbed to make their life difficulties all about you. Regardless, if the level of communication/attention isn't what you want, you get to walk away at any time.

I'd suggest taking a step back. Or lose him if he's still interested.

He doesn't want you to be supportive and help him. That may make you feel good but it's making him uncomfortable.

Instead tell him you'll be there for him if he needs anything ...
and to let you know when he's free and perhaps you could go for coffee or whatever and forget about all the crap that's going on in our lives for a while. (ie make it sound fun not your telling him how to do stuff, you're not his dad).

And do not under any circumstances ask about the things he's struggling with.
Even though he's perhaps making bad decisions, they are his to make. Step away.

If he needs you or wants you he will contact you. Do not keep in touch. You're not helping things. Go cold and wait.

If he doesn't get in touch you can leave it a week later with a text along the lines of I haven't heard from you in a while how you doing? Give me a shout if you fancy doing lunch next week. (Or whatever).

If he doesn't respond he's either too stressed and busy fixing his shit to have a relationship. Or he's not into you.

The hard bit is stepping away. But you need to let them go to see if they come back. As the saying goes.

My ex does this. We've stayed friends and until he had some bad news in the family at the end of last year, we'd speak most days. Now we hardly communicate and he ignores my messages. I know he's suffering but it's hurtful for me to feel so pushed out and ignored. I think it's a coping strategy that more men use than women but that doesn't make it any easier to be on the receiving end of.

Wow yes exactly this. I'm pretty sure it's his way of coping but it's so alien to me, I like to talk about my feelings when I'm down etc (probably too much).

Thanks for all the replies, I completely agree. I do feel hurt/sad but I need to move on. Whether it's his way of coping or not I'll leave him to it. Thanks again.

Hi @Tiredalways2024 , my ex did this for something big (and as a sideline, is on the spectrum). I tried to be supportive at the time but he faded me out. The paranoid me felt he just wasn't into me but like the other posters have said, I think life just got too much and our relationship was the first to go. He didn't date again, just tried to fix himself.

My advice is let it go (as you dont want to beg someone for breadcrumbs) and let him find his own way out of it. It was very hard for me but I took the approach of being nice but walked away.

If he's into he won't do this, no matter what's going on.

Raise the bar and stop excusing his shit behaviour. He's not into you. His loss.

Move your energy to finding someone who clearly is

It really upsets me to read threads like this, because I spent, sorry I mean wasted, huge amounts of my teen years, my Twenties, and my 30s try to figure out men like this, whilst they messed me about told me a load of bollocks, strung me along, kept me dangling on a string etc etc.

Please please I beg you do not waste your time on men like this. Not only is it a massive waste of your life, but you will never get anywhere with it because you're not a psychiatrist or a psychologist you won't be able to work him out, and you will drive yourself half crazy trying to do so!

Dating is supposed to be about fun and laughter and giggling and flirting. This man is not your husband, he's not your responsibility, he's told you to leave him alone and yet here you are focusing on him posting about him etc.

Please just forget about him and go off and find someone who make you feel wonderful, who wants to get in touch with you, wantsbto be with you, wants to show you a good time rather than being an enigma that you cannot solve.